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A 3 Year Old Mind In A 85 Year Old Body!

I'm shaking. I'm tired. I don't have the energy to think. I'm truly a gifted writer; because, this is all I have the energy to do. My life is slipping away. I don't even have the time or energy to go get my hair professionally cut. I do that about once a year. I can't cut the back by myself. My neck is so stiff. I wish I could go get a professional message. I'd spend my savings so I could tilt my head to the left or right without pain. I have a severe sinus headache. I keep on taking pills, though it doesn't last long enough. I wish I could just sleep my life away and NEVER wake up.

I suppose your wondering what does this have to do with MSA? Well when you care for someone with MSA this is what its like. You suffer so they don't feel institutionalized. My life is over. Mentally and Physically I'm done. I exist just to care for him. As you may have read in my other story, he won't go to assisted living or have an aide come to his home to help. So its all up to me. Today I had to lift him off the floor by myself. He weighs 175 lbs. Oh, the pain in my back and fatigue I felt while I was in the middle was beyond excruciating. After I finally got him to standing I had to cry for 15 minutes due to the mental and physical stress. Of course he doesn't respond. He acts like its any other day. Get me my pills, he says. Make my protein drink. Get my slippers. Do this, do that. I'm not a person, I'm a slave. I guess this is the price of being a daughter.

He complains that I can't lift him better. Pull me this way... no no that hurts. Great. I'm using all my physical strength and because I can't dead weight him I'm insufficient. Fabulous. I told him well if I had it my way I'd have the strength of Hercules. The good looks of Sandra Bullock. The thiness of my 14yr old cousin, AND THE MONEY OF OPRAH. Heck I'd be willing to work 14-20 hour days to make THAT SALARY. I wouldn't be fond of becoming famous, I guess I'd have to give up something. If I had her money then I could hire someone to be MY PERSONAL AIDE. Which in turn would help me care for him. He just stares at me like I never said anything.

So here I am again, sitting at the computer, feeding my EPA, feeling guilty about not doing something more productive with my life, not enjoying the 86 degree weather outside my window. I guess its better than committing suicide.

4vrUnique 4vrUnique 46-50 11 Responses Apr 6, 2010

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No, no, don't feel bad. I could've added an update on the story, though I chose not to because that is how I felt the day I wrote it and I still feel that way a lot, especially about the stress I still have upon me. Like I said I may not physically care for him any longer, though I do everything else. Its extremely overwhelming.<br />
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You're right AndrewPenney it is a thankless and lonely task. Thank you for your support {{{HUGS}}}.

Oops, that will teach me to comment on stories without looking at the date!<br />
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Sounds like you did pull of a magnificent job of getting your father the care he needed. Well done!<br />
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(((((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))<br />
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:)<br />
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It must be very hard doing this all alone, but just think -- my brother and I are only grandchildren, and we had/ have to work over the ob<x>jections of his own daughters and even our own mother (who is a daughter-in-law). Either way, it's a thankless and lonely task. Sometimes it feels -- to me -- as if every small thing has to be pushed through a thick wall of stupidity and stubbornness. Aaarghhhh!<br />
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:D<br />
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Take care --<br />
<br />
Andrew

LOL - I like the part about remembering to eat, I do, skip meals to get it all in. <br />
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I wrote this story right before his last at home experience that sent him again to the hospital. I think if I hadn't convinced him to go, he would have died. I'm not a nurse and I didn't think to check his temperature. All I know is that he was hyperventilating and I couldn't get him to calm down. His stubborn self climbed into bed without me (I was temporarily out of his bedroom). It was all down hill from there. He again was sent to rehab and after his stay was up he wanted again to return home. I told him (in a very loud way) that there was absolutely NO WAY I could continue to care for him. I'm obviously not skilled enough to catch every little thing that may risk his health. So I eventually convinced him to stay in the nursing home till I could find better accommodations. I did find an assisted living facility where he could live and now he does.<br />
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Even though I don't have to do his daily living care, my life is still hard. I must do everything else. All his financial dealings, doctor appointments, keep track of his daily medications (make sure he has enough at all times) etc... I must admit though, it has given me some extra time in the day. I don't have to do all these things at night while he slept. I can now do it in the middle of the day.<br />
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Thank you for your support AndrewPenney.

((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))<br />
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You have my TOTAL sympathy. If you read my blogs, you will know what happened when my family was too dense/ ignorant/ stubborn/ reckless to hire the professional care my grandfather (aged 90) needed. In our case we were really fortunate to be able to just learn a lesson from that, because he has access to incredible levels of medical care in the hospital.<br />
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You are about my age; I am 42. You cannot do this alone. It is only a matter of time before your father has a very fall. Please do not stop looking for help. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when you write about just having to go away and cry.<br />
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Do NOT exclude any avenues of help just because of social embarrassment or because of assumptions about what family members will think. Even though my grandfather is a millionaire and was already spending upwards of USD$10,000 a MONTH on private home nursing, I knew that it wasn't enough and that he would die if we didn't change the way he was being cared for.<br />
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I called the Home Nursing Foundation, expecting to be scolded for asking for help even though the family was obviously rich, but instead I got a sympathetic ear, and some amazingly useful info. They referred me to a charity named SAGE, which advocates for the elderly in Singapore. A lovely lady at SAGE counselled me patiently on the phone for 45 minutes; she really knew her stuff. We discussed various solutions. She was intuitive and resourceful, and experienced in dealing with difficult Asian families who have too much money and too little brains and -- above all -- don't want to involve any outside help. Thanks to her encouragement, my brother and I had our grandfather admitted. Three days later she called me to follow-up and find out how we were doing. If necessary, she would have been willing and able to send a social worker to my family house to try and mediate between me and my mother, who was opposed to sending him to the hospital.<br />
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Take care, okay? Hang in there. Don't forget to eat.<br />
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Love,<br />
<br />
Andrew

You're welcome johnnybliss. I know YOU know exactly what its like.

I can empathize with you 100%. I know exactly what you mean. Thanks for sharing.

I can't afford to hire anyone destiney24. An aid costs $40,000 per year. I don't have that kind of money. Unless he pays for it, it ain't happening. Thanks for your comment.

Thanks for your comment Robert. I see you haven't read my other story. It explains why I haven't.

Don't you let him make you a Slave. It does not mean you stopped loving him by putting him in a care home. Get him in one right now. Sure go visit every day if you feel you have too but do not destroy yourself for some outdated sense of loyalty and love for your father.<br />
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Oh and before you even type it. Yes I know it is difficult but the other option is far worse.<br />
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Huge Hugs robert XX

Thank you HappySailor.

Sorry Sweetie.... :(