How does one begin to write the horrors that is experienced when feeling this way. I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 2,PTSD and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). All these problems came to be after I married in 2011. I will try to explain my story the best I can.

My wife and I grew up poor kids, we never had money to rely on growing up and it's also affected us in adult hood. I was living in Michigan working a crummy job that only gave me 16-20 hours a week to live with. My wife was on disability due to some abuse she was given as a child by her father..To be more elaborate Her father made her lift,push and pull things as a young child because The jerk was too lazy to do it his damn self. To make a long story short in that aspect, Her spine is on the verge of collapsing and is taking a large percentage of narcotics just to cope with the pain. My heart truly goes to her on this matter.

Money was hard to come by but we finally had a way to be together and get married. I was to move down to Oklahoma and live with the wife and mother in law. I agreed to it not knowing what kind of hell I was to witness beforehand. We married march 25 of 2011 and started headed from MI to OK. Left my family,friends and everything I knew and loved for 29 years.

2 days passed since the road trip and finally made it to our destination. After unpacking my belongings and getting settled in is when things started getting ugly. First off I had to find work so I could pay my part of the bills. I had no problem with that but it wasn't until I started getting paid did I notice what the problem would be. Her mom wanted us to pay "half" of the living expenses. After tallying it up we were paying 3/4 of the living expenses!

After questioning my wife about it she said "You miscalculated our expenses,my mother's is correct". So we fought over that along with me fighting with her mom about this BULL. At that point nothing but frustration and anger filled my heart to the point that I was ready to leave and go back to MI. Problem was BOTH parties took money from me and had NONE to my name at all. Her mom payed $750 on bills and expensive while I payed $875.. that's right it wasn't my house and payed a entire house payment each month and had no say in the matter because my wife sided with her mother (Even though she states otherwise.)

Eventually my wife noticed something wasn't right about my share of the bills along with her mother attitude towards me even though I am paying every red cent at the jobs I currently had at the time. My mother in law hated me to the point of wanting me dead. All I was worth to her was a pay check. During my stay at her mom's house,Felt no happiness,no peace,nothing to live for so I thought about killing myself as I had NO way out of this horrible life.

Told my wife that I am going to leave this world that her and her mother can **** off. Wife drove me to work (so we can talk about "this") and before leaving the car I felt blank and according to the wife I was "talking to myself" as in having a conversation with myself. Don't recall it but my wife took me to a hospital and stated what I was currently doing and the plan to rid my existence from this Earth. They put me in an isolated room with my wife. A room with nothing but a hospital bed. The doctor stated that I needed to inpatient in a mental facility right away.

My wife was upset and crying (My sick mind was happy to see her cry given what her mom and herself put me through at this point) Doctor explained that I needed clothes and whatever else,so my wife left to do that while the OKC police came,slapped cuffs on me (for my own safety) and off to the crisis I went. Upon arriving there I was released of my cuffs,taken in,photographed and given a small interview in why I was feeling the way I did. Stated that my life sucked (it did and still does),I loathed my job but was stuck there, was living in a situation that was the worst ever.

One of the problems I had other than the living situation was the sleep. It was a struggle nearly every night to get a good night sleep. Took melatonin and a boat load of it and would fall asleep but only get 3-5 hrs on a good day. My days off work I would actually get my 8-10 hrs if I could get relaxed enough.

After the evaluation at the Crisis Center. Found myself in a surreal situation. This wasn't the first time in a mental home, no,no. I tried commited suicide 4 times during my adolescent years. However I never thought I would feel low enough again to experience this bullshit of our mental health system....again. Couldn't all.

The following morning they gave meds and I was given Effexor XR and a "sleep' inducer. Now I wasn't told what it was but they stated it will knock me out so that my brain can get rested for when the doctor comes to talk with patients later. Took the pill and within an hour there was no waking me from that coma (Ha Ha!). The doctor had to use some of that wake up stuff they put under your nose render me conscious. Talked to the doctor about my problems and stated about being put on effexor XR and will need to follow up with a place called "NorthCare" for outpatient treatment. Had to deal with two more days of solitary confinement and was released.

Had to go back to work the following day at Wal-mart. Was working maintenance there (worst job ever at a ghetto store such as wal-mart). The jobs I had down here were non-satisfactory in terms of happiness with an overall job. The first job I worked with I actually enjoyed. Was a valve company called "Cameron" and the job was easy. Build and test valves. Indeed a awesome first job....then my wife had to have emergency surgery on her spine. So I was fired for choosing to be with my wife during her surgery..yeah fine. The following job was indeed the worst of the bunch, was a call center for U.S. Cellular. Through a company called "ACS". Had to go through training to be a "customer service rep". Worked there for almost a year but was bullied,ridiculed and got a slew of health issues while working there. Got fired for "Not following guidelines when authenticating accounts". The next week I got the job at walmart.

This is when the worst of the whole debacle came to fruition. I used to vape on a E-cig and during my breaks it was all I did. During this time I thought "Let me die, I don't care anymore" nearly everyday because I was so unhappy. No peace at home,work or anywhere, Felt like life was a prison instead of good times. The following year I started getting mild panic attacks where I would sit there and feel like I was fading away and got scared but I was able to hold them off from becoming severe...but only for a little while.

Was with Wal-Mart one month away from a full year until I had the first mental break down in my entire life. Started screaming at people,throwing **** and nearly breaking everything in my path. Decided that I couldn't take no more and decided to quit. I was the only maintenance available all week,all day and was completely overworked.

The months to follow was filled with fighting with MIL Wife fighting with her mom and me. Things go SO uncomfortable that I started to sleep all day until her mom went to bed so I wouldn't have to be around her when getting up and "enjoying" my "life". July of 2013 (2 months after I left walmart) A friend pass away from complications of surgery in the stomach. this devastated me immensely to the point that after we returned from the funeral. I started feeling as though I was dying,my time was drawing nigh and was finished. This is when my mental grid broke and hell was unleashed.

Now I will describe my first severe panic attack since I been here. I was meditating one night before bed, Deep breathing,clearing my mind of all that eats away at my fulfillment of life. After approx 30 mins of doing this I took a couple vapes off my e-cig,took my night meds and was to go to bed. This was not meant to be as once I took a drag off my E-cig. My heart started beating real heart and fast. There wasn't pain though just a flutter or two. When the adrenaline reached my brain....I couldn't stand still anymore went outside plugged my ears and just walked.. I knew what it was because I had these back when smoking actual cigarettes at age 16 difference this time was that no matter how much moving and breathing was going on the symptoms weren't passing. I got to a point where there was no where I felt safe, my wife run after me and at that point is when it really felt like I was at the end. My head felt like it was on fire and everything was about to go black.I held my head and started screaming "No!" and cried Wife told me to breathe and just focus on that and walk with her back to the house while breathing. I begged her to take me to the E.R. because I felt numbness and pain in my arms,legs and feet and showed NO signs of letting up. Having me sit in the entrance of the breeze way and offered to make some chamomile tea which I approved of. Let me tell you, that stuff is made from the gods as it calmed me down rather quickly. Explained to the wife what happened and she said that from now on to drink some tea when feeling like that again.

Finally a year later (again right) we finally got into a position where we could move out of that hell hole and into a place of our own. I am happy with our current state of residence but one problem still remains. I still suffer debilitating anxiety and panic. My brain forces me to think of death and what lies beyond,sometimes I daydream about the day I pass away or when misery was all that was known living with the MIL. Somedays I get sensations in my head that mock a stroke or a burning sensation on the sides of my head while my BP goes up significantly. I let myself go healthwise ever since the whole ordeal. I weight at 445 and trying to better my health by doing as much walking as my body will allow and eating less calories while taking supplements.

My marriage isn't as well as one would hope. My wife and I don't engage in much "bedroom activity". I asked if it was me and she says no, I believe her given the narcotics she's currently using but Still convinced that my wife does desire me like do her. My weight might have something to do with it too but as I said I am working on that.

Now that the MIL situation is done there is another situation with my marriage. There is barely any joy. My wife doesn't enjoy what I like and vice versa. I am in our computer room while she's in the living room and it's as we are just glorified room mates. I am now taking Lamictal and ativan for my mental issues. The lamictal sucks as it doesn't help and makes me feel like crap but the ativan while addictive does calm my brain when it starts being stupid. I've tried marriage counseling and other forms of therapy with the Mrs but my wife is far too oblivious to know that our marriage has problems that needs fixing but doesn't seem to feel the need to make changes WITH ME! Does she love living in denial.

I am starting to see why her previous marriages were left in misery and ruin. the term "not sexy enough" comes to mind. I got tired of initiating sex because I feel it should be a mutual thing and speaking and doing sexy things to get the mood going, she doesn't believe in. During the dating phase though,there was ALL those things and more. Now I just stopped caring and beat off to **** and she doesn't seem to care. I often questioned her about the libido issue and of course she takes it as an attack on her which isn't the case. I mentioned that she should see someone who can help with it and states that she doesn't need it. How in the blue hell can someone live in such denial? This is something we fight about too. as I said earlier. I gave up being happy, as with all my relationships in which I've been cheated a way she is robbing me of happiness by not being the loving partner she claims to be.Don't get me wrong, she DOES take care of me when something strikes but there is a problem with the bedroom. I do my part and take care of her when sick,do the house chores and when I worked I'd come home and still do all those things even though all I felt was pain and soreness from the job. All i ask is for a little love,devotion and passion. Tough Break on my part. I've exhausted all ways to bring the good things back and there isn't any way to make it a great and worthwhile marriage like it was intended to be. Just want her to want me like I always have.

I know this is a long, drawn out story. There are parts I shortened in order for it not be super long. Maybe somewhere here can relate to my story and can at peace knowing someone out there is suffering too. I am now on disability as I can no longer be around people and deal with authority,panic and anxiety attacks happen every day but are contained rather well. I see my doctor and follows his advice as much as possible.

That is my story, it maybe a long one and have no idea what to do from here. I adore and love my wife even with all the problems that are within the marriage and want to see it get better. There is a chance it could but it's something that she has to want too. There are days though that I just wish I had the money to grab all my **** and go back home to MI with my family and friends. I don't have ANYTHING down here. No friends or anyone to go to for fun or just to talk. I have my wife and that's all well and good but there are things that one does not to talk to with the wife about. For those who read up to this point I want to thank you for letting me get this out and There is a tiny part of me that hopes everything will turn out ok in the end. It better be enough but it's all I got.
Observer2014 Observer2014
31-35, M
Aug 16, 2014