as you could imagine i was miserable. more so now than before. up until this point i had coped with it all.
the time for our local fair was coming my daughter loves this every year. i was like i cant find it in me to drive her and go with her. this is something we have done since she was 4. i asked Friend to take us. more guilt for not doing it myself.
i was hurt angry with myself riddled with guilt. guilt about even having the darn attacks. guilt of letting ppl down that counted on me. still i had not really talked to anybody about it. but it had made a major jump this time. i had no self trust. no confidence. it was debilitating this time. i had developed agoraphobia with it this time.
i watched the clock and counted down to the time when hubby and daughter would be home. i live in rural town not many relatives near here. most Friends have moved on or we disassociated with them for some reasons. i couldn't just" be" when i was at home alone. my mind would spin out of control all day until one was home. i couldn't shut down my thoughts just for a few minutes. and always thinking worst thoughts.
those nasty big what if thoughts. while we are here i will state this now.
the WHAT IF game is by the far the worst part of this whole ordeal. its also the game that zaps of you of any good feelings. its your brain staying in control of the situation. it wants to be in control all the time. the big est way to do this is for it to feed you emotional crap. it sucks any joy out of a situation.
mostly negative... oh well you had this attack and it was bad.. what if you have it again? better not go to the park just in case.
or even worse .. well yeah that went OK for you today.. but what if it backfires next week? better start worrying now.
its a vicious endless cycle. anxiety/panic feed off our fears. the more fear it creates the better.i have finally learned this. if we can find a way to stop feeding into the fear and the emotions
we can have our freedom and lives back. but the trick is how? the cycle stops and starves if we can break it.
i bought self help books thinking to myself it would help i found nothing useful that i could apply to my life or my situations. yeah eat this drink that... you got to be kidding that was a lot of professionals answers along with getting on pills. not for me.
i actually had begun to talk to hubby and a friend about it. hubby admitted to having them as well. so did my Friend. seemed like they finally understood what was going on with me. wrong again.
i decided i didn't want to feel like a victim anymore i wanted my joy freedom happiness life back. i searched even harder on line for hours a day sometimes all day.
i found a lot of advice by accident..lots of sites on this subject.
the one that got me started was a guy on you tube who is a mental practitioner named DAVE CARBON DALE. he has a few videos on you tube that i found most helpful of all that i had seen to that point. he had some Good helpful applicable tips for battling anxiety i think is worth checking out. he understands exactly what is happening his descriptions are to the point.
i began applying his tips and suggestions and they actually worked. but i wanted to get to a better spot than that with my healing. i had had enough i was ready to move on. but he has had scheduling problems with his videos and getting them done and suspended them until another time as yet unknown.
i looked some more i discovered a web site called EFT emotional free tapping. that is name of website as well there are a few more but all revert back to the EFT site run by a Gary guy who is not a medical person in any way.
so if you decide to go there take it with a grain of salt. there are a lot of testimonials on there but we all know if you pay someone enough they will say anything you want.
the whole concept here is to use pressure points like in acupressure/acupuncture using only the tips of your fingers. i didn't find a whole lot that i wanted to attempt and this Gary guy is also pumping the sale of his self help see it in action DVD sets and they are a small fortune.
this site leads me to believe that this method is supposed to be done with a practitioner. not as an individual. there is a find a practitioner in your area search button on the site i actually looked .
there was only one near me it was 3 hours away but these ppl do exists. its a form of holistic medicine. heck they can even hold their sessions over the phone with you but you pay in advance on line. some offer 3 free sessions to figure out if this the right thing for you.
the site has a free download pdf file ebooklet that describes the tapping method and how to use it it shows you the pressure points to tap on. they have different levels of usage one for professionals one for beginners and one for advanced users. its all free. but this wasn't for me.
i found another site by accident run by a fellow named JOE BARY called panic away. if you sign up for his mini course its free. he emails you a page a day. most ppl get exactly the kind of help they need just with his free mini course! i got his ebook its not free. it comes in a pdf file or http.
just type in Joe Bary panic away in your search bar it should go right to site sign up for his free mini course.
i just started applying his tips and methods from his mini course and it has done wonders for me. his ebook goes into more details about the condition. and testimonials of course.
he has 2 audible pieces that are worth the money if nothing else. you get his ebook download you get his two mp3 audible downloads one is for driving. i haven't listened to them yet but there are 2 of them. and a free consult with him if you choose to use it. all his products can be downloaded to your computer for use at your convenience. his package was less than 80 bucks. after having used it i say its well worth the money. can refer back to it when needed. i will talk about his methods again in a few minutes.
while i was applying doctor carbondales methods i was still having anxiety about going to stores without an adult with me. i had also begun challenging myself to go outside of my house and walk i used to love to walk but i had stopped with all this lack of confidence. over active negative feelings.
my hubby had a job interview across street from walmart . we also had a item to return after purchasing it. so without even consulting me he pulls up to walmart and tells me hell be right back and for us to start shopping without him. he saw my face he then gently reminded me of what doctor carbondale said in his videos. my fear was only a feeling and it would pass. i had begun telling myself this just before he said it.
i got out with my daughter in tow and walked into walmart thinking its only a feeling i can do this it will pass. i need to get this done i can do it. i stood in customer service with daughter waited patiently amazed with myself. calm and collected. did our business. took my daughter to restroom. got shopping cart and began. i was so elated!! i was in a situation where what needed to be done was important and i did it!! it was also a situation i was not in control of that could of gone any number of ways.
but i didn't play the WHAT IF GAME. i refused i told myself i wasn't doing it. my husband had given me my jump start. i was pushed off that cliff i had been looking at for so long.i couldn't help but just flow with it. nothing happened!!
i was empowered now with my small win. i knew there were more hurdles.but after this i was eager to do more for myself and the situation i had let get out control. it was wreaking my life.
i actually began contemplating the possibility of driving again.but fear kept at me. i let it.
i began to extend my walks farther from home. this took time i had to convince myself it was good and healthy and control those WHAT IF thoughts. i refused to entertain those thoughts. i had carried my cell phone with me and a bottle of water everywhere i went for past 3 years.
What If was making me carry his crap!! what a straw boss he is he makes you do things you don't really want to do. everywhere i went.
hubby here again we were working on his car together. when we were done i was still outside he came back out and asked if i wanted to go with him to gas station.
i had left phone and water in house testing myself. when asked i said yeah considered gong back in to get those items. then said screw it. i just got in the van and went with him. i thought i can do this . i am doing this. i did it. went somewhere without them i then began leaving them at house when i took my walks. i would walk for 30-60 mins without the phone was a big circut around a field by my house but i was doing it without those items. i only stopped to get a drink of water when i needed it.
after a week of this i decided to actually walk down to the corner of the street that was closest. it was scary. but i went short way turned around came back farther each time until i reached that corner. without phone or water in my pockets.
i wanted more of those good feelings. they gave me hope and peace of mind. my search found EFT. but it wasn't for me. i continued on.
then i stumbled on to Joe Bary and his panic away one move method. i was eager to try i signed up for his mini course. but i still employed Dr carbon dales methods too i have not mentioned them because they are so close with the panic away method. he provided the actual basis for me but Joe helped to expand that teaching. since Dr carbonadale was having video production issues i needed continual help with healing. pieces of me are still missing. you lose your identity with this crap. your ideas of self.
Joe Bary's panic away method works but you have to get to a point where you are saying no more of this panic/anxiety for me! i have had my fill of it! i want my life back. panic/anxiety sucks the life right out of you.
i am fulfilling my personal promise to Joe by telling others about him and his panic away one move method. he asked me personally through email that if his method helped me to please tell others. and i am. i cant say enough. and i wasn't paid to do this.
but it wasn't just him it was a combination of me my husband and these 2 men. and a open receptive mind. help comes from the strangest situations and from ppl you never expected.
in the past 2 weeks since i have begun to actively apply the panic away method i have gotten into my car with daughter and drove to gas station .put in gas. drove around town that day for almost an hour just driving no destination out in traffic. just driving. my daughter has become my cheerleader shes only 10 and with autism doesn't understand whats been going on with mommy but she cheered me on. we went home because the brakes started to burn. hubby had to repair the lines they collapsed. i knew they were messed up but i didn't panic i remained calm until we got home hubby wasn't even home he was at work!!
this past Saturday while he was working on brakes i was outside for my walk. i decided to walk another way i walked 5 blocks from my house around the neighborhood alone without my phone without the water without my kid it was all me. the thought entered my head when hubby began working on brakes he said i couldn't help i thought wow this is nice day for a walk.. i should go. and i did just that. i didn't second guess it. i just went. while i was out i saw neighbors spoke to ppl i hadn't seen in long time i realized just how much i had given over to anxiety. i used to walk all over town but i stopped .
i used Jose method call the fear to you invite it in give it a 20 second time window count backwards to 0 all the while telling it you aren't scared of it dress it funny clown shoes something absurd make fun of it but invite it in all the time you are counting down. then say well i waited for you you didn't show up well i really do have stuff i gotta get done i gave you your chance to show me the worst you could do to me. you dd int come. trust me it wont come no matter how much you call it out. you gave it time. so you say goodbye fear/anxiety i got stuff to do. got life to live and I'm taking it back from you. you not boss of me anymore.
inviting fear seems crazy its opposite of everything else everybody says Dr carbon dale says same thing. so does one other if you dint fear fear it has nothing to draw off of you it breaks the cycle
i can now sit alone in my house and be calm. i can just be. i dint have to fear those pink elephants unless i wish too. its nice to see the rest of the parade after so long!!
i set goals for me i went on walk Sunday with my daughter we went to 2 stores that day. set goals you ll get there. i am far from where i want to be but i will get there it didn't happen overnight this has been an on going condition for many years.
my final thoughts on this whole issue that anxiety is an over active imagination that wasn't reigned in . its allowed to run amok. we allow it to consume us . we play the WHAT IF GAME. a game that we are set to lose when its all negative feelings and emotions. i also believe anxiety/panic are predators. they attack you when you least expect it when your emotionally vulnerable they pounce on you. if you dint have a big stick when it starts you do best to find one. when you cant they win.
i am going into battle better armored now days but it takes skill and practice to use the weapons . the more i do it the beater i will become.
after all the what if game is just that a game your mind plays on you hoping you will give in and surrender.after the first time you give in it gets easier and easier for anxiety/panic to gain a foothold. once it does that anything is up for grabs even if its nailed down!
it may help some who have agonized over whether or not something is truly medically wrong. by all means go to doctor tell him your symptoms get it all checked out. no sense in worrying if you dint have to. once you get that clean bill of health and the doctors bill you have no more excuses. get yourself into the mind set you re gonna do it. it may be uncomfortable it usually is but it passes its only a feeling. its never as bad as your over active imagination deceived you into believing. its all unfounded fears that dd int get put back into check. perseverance will pay off in end
anxiety/panic rob you of a full filling life and you dint have to put up with it anymore. please look into these sites i mentioned
Dr Dave carbon dales channel on you tube he has a wellness page as well.
EFT emotional freedom through tapping
Joe Bary's panic away.com
it all really comes down to whats the best way of coping with it everybody has anxiety/panic/fear. some are dealing better than others. some just get run over from it and have a hard time getting back up. and the ones who dint get run over do get bumped and those are the ones we want to be the bumped ones.