My Panic Phantom

When I was about 6 years old, I came across a very strange sensation.  When I would be in a quiet place and wasn't doing anything or really thinking about anything, my mind would shift to focus on the fact that I was existing.  I'd think phrases like, "I am me," over and over again, and the sudden sense of being so real would become terrifying.  I felt like I was an observer hiding in this body, watching everything happen, and suddenly I'd realized it and didn't know who or what I really was.

The feelings subsided after a time, and I went for some years without any issues.  Then when I was about 12 it came around again.  Only, this time it would happen in the evening when I was tired.  I didn't have to think of anything in specific.  I could just be riding in the car and watching the road, and suddenly I'd get a new sensation.  It was like I was falling inside of my head, like my true self was falling backwards and I didn't know how to stop, while my body was perfectly still.  I would panic and run to my parents, not knowing what to do.  Then I stopped having issues again for a while.

At age 17, I was laying on the floor in the livingroom one night, and I looked over at the window on the other side of the room.  Somehow it looked especially crisp and clear, like it was extra real.  I thought that was interesting, and then suddenly I felt completely detatched.  There wasn't any falling sensation anymore.  It was like I jumped from one state of consciousness to another.  I could hardly feel my feet as I rushed into the kitchen where my parents were talking.  My dad gave me a hug, but I couldn't feel him there very much either.  He said my heart was beating so fast that he could hardly make out any spaces in between the beats.  I felt the blood rush back and my heart pounding in my chest again, and then I knew I would be alright.  That started happening more frequently, once or twice during school.  I spent a few weeks curled up next to a CD player listening to meditation music and sleeping as much as I could.  Even though I was having gruesome nightmares at the time, I felt safer while I was asleep because I didn't feel panicky and disconnected.  I was on anxiety medication for a litte while.

Three years later, I never really got out of that disconnected feeling.  I did learn how to avoid panicking about it though, which usually helps, although moments still come where I feel so confused and scared.  I don't take medication anymore because I want to find a natural solution for this.  I'm just not entirely sure how to go about doing that.

spiffy3 spiffy3
18-21, F
2 Responses May 4, 2007

i know that exact feeling, like you're in another state of consciousness, like another part of your mind is in a huge realization about you, and the things around you, and your life. now that's not what causes my panics though, i've learned to except that "extra" part of my mind and notice it as a beautiful thing. the mind's a terrible thing to waste right? haha

Detached is the main word...that's me. It's sort of numbing overall. I know how you feel!! It's such a strange feeling. It's hard to describe to others, because they have no idea what you are feeling because they have never experienced it, it can be very frustrating.