Three of 'em, None Serious

Although I’ve had two serious suicide attempts (only one placing my life in danger), most of my ‘attempts’ have been suicidal gestures, meaning I did not intend to die. I will say, though, that although I didn’t aim for death, I was rather apathetic about it. I didn’t care if I lived or died.  

I first messed around with suicide when I was about 12. My parents were at a party, and I’d been depressed lately. I found a bottle of Tylenol, and I took at least half the bottle. I wanted my parents to know how bad I was feeling, and I was curious to see what it was like to try and die. However, I panicked, and called my father. He and my mom rushed home, and after unsuccessfully trying to get me to vomit, they rushed me to the hospital. Because of my age, the doctors chose not to put me in a psychiatric hospital. They told my parents to lock up the meds, and sent us on our way.  

A few years passed, and an incident came up in which my school kicked me out because I was transgender. I was depressed and angry, and I took several of my psychiatric meds. Before they were able to do anything, I was able to pull myself together, and ask for help. I was rushed to the hospital, and locked up in a psychiatric ward for a day. When I got out, everyone was very concerned, though I tried to avoid the topic.  

 On my last ‘attempt’, I was staying with some friends at the time, and I took a bottle of Tylenol. Of course, my friend called the hospital on me, and later sent me 22 text messages explaining why I shouldn’t kill myself.  

So although I wasn’t really intending to die with these attempts, the only reason I really got help was because I was (and still am) afraid of death. I wouldn’t call these attempts; they were more cries for attention than anything else.

speculumvir speculumvir
18-21, T
3 Responses Sep 11, 2009

I am very, very sorry about your friend. I wish that he could find peace before he passed on. I hope you can find peace as well.<br />
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I don't really have any current plans to end my life. These were all mostly in the past. I am now very much connected to the gay community in my area, and I do have support that I need.<br />
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Usually, I only took one or two more pills above the recommended dose. The time I took a whole bottle, my friend noticed something was wrong, and he called the hospital. So in that incident, I was lucky. So it's been a bit of a mix.<br />
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Thank you for your concern though, I do appreciate it :)

This is so sad to read. Tylenol is a miracle drug when used to cure pain within the guidelines. However it can be deadly as you have pointed out. Have you looked into transgender groups in your area. have you figured out where the pain comes from that makes you want to reach out for help? I think that is the key rather than trying to "almost kill" yourself to get peoples' attention. Please don't get me wrong as I am not judging you because I have been depress enough in my lifetime to take my own life and it is something that you deal with always but why take the risk of becoming a vegetable for the rest of your life or possibly actually killing yourself? How do you know where to stop or have you just been lucky so far? I am sorry for all the questions but that is what is going through my mind at the moment.

It's odd to read this, because as I type my friend is sitting in ICU, waiting to die. He took a lethal dose of Tylenol, and there was nothing they could do. So, he was in excruciating pain for 18 hours, and now he is going to be perfectly awake for four days while his liver, and ultimately his other organs shut down. It is like seeing someone being forced to live amidst the grief their suicide has caused. It's killing his sister and mother - it is terrible to see. And he's sorry, and now he wants to live, and now there is no choice. I would steer clear of the Tylenol - terrible way to die, if nothing else.