I love watching TV shows on Youtube like "I shouldn't be alive" because they're exciting and scary and make me cry from relief and happiness. I experience so many emotions which I crave because my life really is quite boring and has no drama. However I am trying to stop watching them because they are only worsening my phobia of death and dying.

Like most other humans I fear the unknown. What happens after death? What is it like to experience death? And being agnostic, I don't have a belief in any gods.

And if it were up to me, I'd want to be immortal, live with my immortal significant other, alone together with everything we will ever need, FOREVER. Because there is most likely nothing after death. And it makes me so scared to think about it. It can happen at anytime, it can be quick and sudden or slow and painful. What if one day I am diagnosed with a deadly illness? What if one day someone kidnaps me and kills me? What if I am in a car crash? I don't want to take risks.. I don't want to die.. just thinking about it makes me panic, makes me scared and stressed out. If I let myself delve too deeply into thought on this topic I become very depressed and sometimes cry. I hate thinking of it. I try to stop thinking of it. What if I keep thinking of it, will I soon enough become immune to these uncomfortable feelings?

I try and think "Just live your life while you're here, if you keep thinking about it then surely life will rush by, and soon enough you will just end up dying of old age."

I don't know how to stop worrying about it. :(
buddieangel buddieangel
18-21, F
Jan 19, 2013