Pmdd Is Destroying Me, And My New Relationship.

Yesterday was a repeat of the time when I first realized I had PMDD – about 5 months ago – and I sobbed uncontrollably for hours. So much that I threw up for most of the morning. I didn’t leave my bedroom. I had to call out sick from work (this wasn’t the first time). I curled up in my bed, pillow soaked with tears, and slept as much as I could to make the pain stop. I cried on the phone to my mother for hours while she tried to talk me into reality, and not the panicked world I had created in my head.

When it’s not these fateful ten days of the month, I am cheerful, romantic, outgoing and motivated, and a relatively fun and “normal” twenty-seven year-old woman.

I don’t become suicidal, but I want to die. I want to sleep forever. I want to let my head rest, turn off the stream of negative thoughts and anxiety burning through my brain. To turn off the pounding in my chest, the shakes and the chills, the panic.

I went to a doctor almost immediately, who switched me from Lexapro (which I had been on for 5 years for general anxiety and was only keeping me constant until the PMDD began this year) to Cymbalta, which helps sometimes, but we’re still playing around with doses to see what works. I don’t have insurance, so there weren’t many other options.

The worst part of this is that I am in a new, blossoming relationship of about 6 months with a man I absolutely adore. He is the kind of person I have hoped to meet my entire life, and I hope for a long future with him, which I can actually picture and get excited about – something I’ve not been able to do with men before him.

At six months, you’re still at the point where you’re trying to impress and enthrall the other person enough to keep them around, with the hopes that the relationship will become less and less conditional. And the fact that my PMDD began to creep up on me about a month into this new relationship has been completely devastating.

When my PMDD kicks in, I start to analyze everything. I analyze every move, word, statement my boyfriend makes. I become paranoid and fearful, of losing the things I care about most, and losing the relationship that I’ve already become so invested in.
Who would want to BE with someone like this? Who wants to be with someone who has such an issue, and an issue that inflicts pain upon the other? Every time this happens, I feel closer and closer to losing him. Closer to making him realize that he can do better than this; or that he doesn’t deserve this. I find myself unwittingly sabatoging the relationship sometimes with PMDD-fueled statements, to almost try to “save” him from me…to give him the opportunity to get away.

I feel like I am grappling onto a relationship that already has one person becoming (not purposely) tentative and a bit scared, despite his efforts to support and love. Because how can that NOT be a human reaction? I don’t blame him.
When he’s caught in the throes of my PMDD whirlwind, he becomes angry, and confused, and frustrated, and doubtful of me. We fight about small things that I say that become big things. He feels attacked, and analyzed.

And I feel helpless, and alone, and abnormal. I feel: why would this amazing, intelligent, talented, handsome, loving and loyal man want to be with…this?

I hope I can fix the damage I’ve done to this relationship. I hope I can I fix the way he thinks of me, and make it positive again. I hope I can prove to him that this won’t be the way it is forever. I hope I can stop from losing him.

After a discussion with him post-PMDD-nightmare-birthday weekend that was supposed to have been wonderful….he has made it clear that the only way the relationship can be saved is that I take the initiative to really get help – which I know is more of a way to get me to do this, vs. being a threat. He wants me to see a therapist, get control and consistency of my diet and exercise, which really does help my moods, and to make the changes that I need to make to be responsible about this disorder I’m dealing with. For ME. And for our relationship.

I feel that there is hope…but that already so much damage has been done. I am trying to take a leap of faith, and do the best I can to start to heal myself, and to heal this relationship, so that we may have a bright, healthy, stable future together.
leapoffaith leapoffaith
26-30, F
4 Responses Jul 20, 2010

An SSRI drug and Yaz birth control can keep your symptoms under control.

I have a blog, Living on a Prayer, Living With PMDD, that may provide some answers. In it I share my research on the subject for the past three years. I hope those reading this will find it of some benefit. In particular, I discuss having a relationship with a PMDD woman. It's not easy, by any means, but there is hope!

I am exactly as you have described and I have been in my relationship for 8yrs however I dont know how it has made it through this..I experince the same feelings and its good to know im not alone ! I think the reason we have managed to make it is because he understands its truely not my fault ..I cant control it no matter how hard I try no matter what medicine I try it never works... Its a hopeless feeling to know that I am only myself 2 weeks out of a month.. and those 2 weeks I am so outgoing happy and fun but then I become a hot mess ... I feel I am another person at times when my pmdd comes around.. Sometimes Its only a week but other times its 2 and I fear of loosing the him and also I feel im not good enough for anyone when this goes on... I analize get paranoid and feel alone in a dark place... Scared of life... Wish they would find a way to fix me... If you learn any ways let me know! I just want this to leave me alone...

I am so glad to have stumbled across your post. And honey, I hear ya! I started seeing my boyfriend 11 months ago and I've been struggling with myself since about a month into it! I had started using Nuvaring again (I had used it in the past) but it wasn't agreeing with me so i went off of it hoping things would then get better. They didn't and now I sit here, nearly a year later, realizing it wasn't the birth control. Something else is wrong. My moods we just crazy. I felt like the closer I got to my bf, the more anxious and paranoid I would get that he didn't want to truly be with me, but then again, why would he be here if he didn't want to be, right? I don't know about you, but logic has not worked for me. I feel like my hormones control my body and even my mind starting about ten to twelve days before my period. Right after ovulation is ending is usually when it kicks in. I get sad.. about pretty much everything. Truthfully I've never had issues with trusting anyone else i've dated. I'm pretty trusting until you give me a reason not to. And it's ironic that most of the men I dated before him... were the last people I shouldve been trusting. Now the current bf.. is the best thing that has ever happened to me (and my two children from a previous marriage). We are one big happy family, until the last third-half of my cycle. Then it's like a switch is flipped overnight. My sex drive goes away pretty much completely. I get headaches a lot, which is a real pain for me since before this period in my life, I got maybe three a year. The first half of my cycle I want to be productive, energetic, in the gym, cleaning the house, motivated in my school work (still in college). Then it all changes post-ovulation. I get bitter and angry for no apparant reason. I twist and turn practically every word that comes out of my bf's mouth until I can turn it into an argument. I get relentless too. I end up spinning my wheels about nothing and he knows it but I just keep going. Yelling. Which then turns into crying about how unhappy i am. Which I shouldn't be. i hae everything anyone could want in life and more at the age of twenty five. Things are running pretty darn smoothly most of the time. I will sob and go to bed early most of these nights and awake the next day with the same attitude. Sometimes no one even has to say antyhing, I'll go as far as to pick out something they are doing to flip out about. I never ever used to get cramps but now I do pretty much monthly, more frequent and loose bm's as well (tmi). Lower backache isnt terrible but it's consistent. Also, boobs hurt every cycle about 5 days before AF comes and continue to until she's here. I'm unbelievably tired during this bad spurt of my cycle too. No matter what time I go to bed, I could always sleep in til noon if allowed, and I find myself having to quit schoolwork often during the bad days to nap.. usually two to three hours. I'm lethargic. I don't want to have to do so much as to go grocery shopping. I put it off as long as possible. Now, about ten months into it, I've been charting my symptoms for the past few months and the same things generally tend to happen on the same cycle days every month. Up until three months ago, my periods were erratic too, when they'd always been every 28 days exactly.. as soon as the mood changes came, so did the crazy periods.. that went from every 28 days to sometimes 23 or 24, sometime 31, and they lasted longer than the normal 4 or 5 days.. stretching out into 7 or 8! Now the past couple months, they are back to every 28 days, and they only last 3 or 4, but it's weird, about every other month after my period ends, it will go away but then come back again for another day and then be gone. Not sure what that is about. I've also found myself craving one thing in particular. Chips. Tositios to be exact. Also, I'm not a big eater, btu I can totally binge on these! And.. lately i find myself feeling very hungry late at night which isn't like me at all either. Some nights i can't wait to sleep.. others I'm up til 3am wasting time.. doing nothing.. unable to keep my eyes shut. More frequently though, I'm just plain tired. I'm not sure where the intermittent insomnia comes from. Now over the past week or two my face is breaking out terribly. Some of the pimples are actually painful. I've avoiding having to go anywhere, haven't even went to the gym this week, which I don't feel so great about. But I don't feel like being around everyone with my face a wreck. And wearing makeup to the gym so isn't going to help my skin. I've tried proactiv, I've tried otc stuff like neutrogena. I've tried using toners, not using toners, toothpaste, face masks, tee tree oil... nothing is helping. Mainly all on my cheeks too, where I never tend to get more than like, one pimple. Something has to be done. I'm about 98% sure I have PMDD. I have researched everything I could possibly think of and most other things like hormonal imbalance, while I thought they were probable ten months ago, do not suit my symptoms now. The way that they only appear right after ovulation until right after my period. This is ruining half my month every month essentially, and my kids, and my bf's.. who have to live with me. It's ruining our relationship. I'm in school and don't work right now. I don't have insurance. So I don't know what to do. I can't imagine seeing a doctor for this and paying for it out of pocket would be at all affordable!