Destroyed- Again. Pmdd The Cause?

i just found this forum tonight, and am so thankful for it. i just want you to know you are not alone. i've pretty much just destroyed my life at this point. i had oh-yet-another nuclear meltdown. the next day, i started bleeding. the meltdowns happen every two to three months. but usually, every two weeks, i just feel extremely hopeless, angry and sad. i know i shouldn't. i know i should count my many blessings, and i usually do. i'm normally very reasonable, compassionate and loving. and then i get my period and proceed to alienate everyone i love. i get so angry i see red. i shake. it really increased with my pregnancy, which was 9 months of sheer hell (and, oh boy! do i have some psychobitch from hell pregnancy stories!) but i first began having intense, often suicidal thoughts, when i began my period at age 13. i've done a lot of personal work (yoga, meditation, reiki) but i still always end up ******* everything-the-****-up every two months. i apologize, i make amends, i promise to never do it again, but then i end up being absolutely vitriolic to my husband. as if i WANT to see him cry. i take it to the edge, and i'm SO SICK OF THE HURTING. why, why, why????  

on this last bender, i threatened someone with physical violence, kicked a whole in the wall, made my beautiful, sweet, loving husband cry when i requested the wedding ring back so "i could sell it," (WTF? WHO THE **** IS THIS PERSON? WHY DO I GET THE MEANEST AND ANGRIEST I EVER GET?), scared my precious child, (what sort of mother DOES THIS? who am I!!!!?) and am sleeping on a friend's couch with my 3-year-old daughter. i've completely destroyed friendships and am ashamed to leave my house because of how i've acted toward people i love. how did this nightmare happen?! is this for real?! i feel guilty for saying i have ppmd. like it's not a valid excuse for all of the INSANE devastation i have left in my wake. how can anyone forgive me? how can i ever forgive myself?   anyway, yes. i just wanted to say i am glad i am not alone. 
megamad megamad
1 Response Jul 25, 2010

and now it's a week later, and i'm fine. and my sweet, dear, loving husband is the most reasonable man in the world. and it's muthercluckin' prozac time. again. because, even though i'm a hippie-dippie health nut, i just don't trust myself. but, oh-my-goodness... now i'm completely sane, reasonable and rational. (ie- no longer homicidal.) and all i can say is...<br />
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it's a TRUE disorder, ladies. please don't be ashamed. like i have been. for years. find an ob-gyn you trust and can talk to. it helps. it also tremendously helps that you are NOT alone. sure, other womenfolk may experience pms... but also please know that there are others who experience severe depressive symptoms. one week out of every month... and i am psychotic. <br />
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it's not an excuse for the damage that i've done, but it's a cause. trying to make amends now with everyone i have hurt. it's hard. but i've done it. and so can you.<br />
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please remember: part of the healing process is recognizing you have a physiological imbalance. you are not crazy and you are not alone. seek professional help. and do NOT be ashamed. be strong and seek the help you need. no more SHAME! part of my healing process has been to recognize that, make amends and seek out the help i need.<br />
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and the most important thing we sufferers of pmdd can do: FORGIVE YOURSELF! <br />
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(you are not alone, m'ladies, you are soooooo not alone.)