Pmdd Is Still Ruining My Relationship

 

i've been on and off with the same girl for about 5 years. so i've been to a lot of these sites but rarely write out my story, usually i just need to read everyone elses so i can get grounded enough and feel like we're not alone in dealing with this and i'm not the horrible person my gf has made me out as the last few days but now when things are this bad i feel the need to share. I wanna point out, although i might say 'she did this or that' but i don't usually think of it as 'her' the girl i know and love, but this other evil person who takes over and i hate. my gf is the most amazing person i know, i couldn't be more in love with her and i'd love to make her my wife someday if i was sure we could make it work forever, but right now it's hard to see that day.

i think it was about a yr into the relationship that we started having problems, we were living together at the time and we'd get into these huge fights over nothing serious that would last for days and days and end up breaking up and she'd tell me to move out. The very first one i remember, we were supposed to be going to a costume party at one of her co-workers/boss's place and a little while before the party my brother who lives across the country from me came online and i asked her if she minded if i stayed on a while longer to chat with him. she said sure, but later when she thought we were gonna be 5 minutes late to the party, it was the most selfish thing ever and she didn't agree to letting me be late and i never care about what she wants.... anyways, But every time before i could find a new place, we'd make up, back then was usually because i'd come crawling back, but what i know now it's mostly because after Day 1 or 2 she'd finally at least listen to my apologies, at the time i just thought it was because i was finally desperate enough to beg, or finally got my point across.. was such a mind twist back then..

after a few months tho, things were getting progressively worse, the fights, the faith in the relationship everything, but the funny thing that caught my attention was that each time the fights were right before the 1st of the month cuz she would say, "don't bother paying rent, i want you out" after three months i think i googled something like, 'why does my gf kick me out every month' and totally randomly there was a link to a PMDD site and it all made sense. of course she wouldnt hear of it until she 'came back down' as i like to think of it, because it really is like jeckle and hyde, there's no getting thru to her sometimes and it's like a completely different person from the sweet person i know, who if anything is TOO NICE most of the time, which i love honestly because it balances out my rougher side :)

But after we agreed that's what was happening we tried a lotta stuff. we tried the yaz, which made everything great for about 3 months... i think then the side effects, weight gain and cramps i think were the worst part so she wanted to get off, but we were noobies and thought, ok we got this thing beat now anyways and sure enough that next month we broke up. I think we tried another BC or two and then eventually tried no BC and some diet changes, no coffee, less sugar stuff like that but eventually the break up stuck and i did move out and down to the caribbean, i figured i'd earned it. right before i left we made up, but i was scared not to take the oppurtunity to go, so instead of leaving forever i left for 6 months. while i was away we spoke almsot every day and she came to visit and everything for the most part was dreamy.. i came home... two weeks later BAM, she moved out and we didn't see each other for over a year.

But eventually she called me outta the blue and although i was hesitant and honestly still a little bitter, i agreed to see her. but not surprisingly we hit it off and i couldn't stay away from her. after a month or two we were officially back together and except for a few hiccups, well maybe a few big ones, but nothing as bad as it used to we've done alright for about a year. Now this is the part where i admit that i'm not perfect and i say and do the wrong thing all the time. I wish i was more patient and understanding in the moment, but it's hard for me to back down from an argument. I have ADD that's stuck with me to adulthood and more than anything in my relationships even those with my family or strangers it causes me to have a very short fuse. What i learned as a kid was to walk away, and for everyone else that works just fine, when the fire is lit, i know to just back away and not do anything supremely stupid, but with her there are problems that need to be solved she needs support and she particularly hates when i leave. i just don't know how else to calm down enough to deal, but when things get hectic i feel the need run, even if it's only for 5 minutes.

Anyways FINALLY.. what our big issue is now and the one i'd like the most feedback on is this; For the most part she's got her pmdd under pretty good wraps, she has bad days, but a lotta times she'll recognize it and kinda keep her distance or won't mind if i do, which isn't so bad since we don't live together now, but until last week we were planning on moving in together in today. but she's been under the impression, i think, that her PMDD is only for 2-3 days during ovulation around days 15-17 and then is gone or under control i'm not sure. but back before it definetely lasted the whole two weeks with maybe an island of sanity at day 18-19. This month on D 17 i apparently was getting on her nerves and she was definetly showing it with her snippy comebacks and accusations, but in her mind PMDD days are over and she's totally justified in being upset. So i swallow my pride and let it go, but it goes on for several more hours and it's slowly getting worse. finally we get home from running errands and she pulls me aside and tells me i've been unacceptably rude to her today and when i try and say she might be overly sensitive today (and i know you girls hate being told, your behaviour is PMDD related :( ) but i never know what else to say.. she was in total denial that it was possiible and i was ridiculous for implying that she might be PMDD for the whole 2 weeks.. so instead she accused me of Gaslighting her, which i apparently do all the time. For those that don't know Gaslighting is a term from an old movie where a guy basically tries to control his wife by making her think she's insane. He does this by telling her she's wrong about everything (feelings/arguements/what was said) and messing with her mind. I try to explain i'm not mad she's got PMDD i don't blame her for it but i'm not trying to control her, but i dunno what to do if she's in denial that it's affecting her and in result me too. I ended up leaving and she sent me a long email detailing how my behavior was exactly that, and a list of websites i should read, because it's a serious problem and we can't work on it if i don't admit to it... so now we've gone from dealing with her PMDD to me being some manipulative slimeball. I tried to be firm about it, but i don't think i said the right thing, i want to be supportive and caring but i dunno if indulging in her bashing me is at all helpful ?? But now it's been two weeks, we haven't spoken a word to each other, we missed the holidays, our move in date has passed.. i was hoping a day or two after her period she would shoot me a message, some peace offering but so far nothing.. and she's started posting kind of questionable stuff on her FB page.. i'm just at a loss on what to do from here... a part of me honestly wants to throw in the towel.. the last big break up was pretty hard on me and i don't wanna go through that again.

Sorry for such a crazy long post. hope it either helps or you can help me.

***Dec 3rd*** well little bit of a follow up. we finally talked last night and she officially broke up with me.. again.  she cut all of her hair off, she had beautiful long curly hair down to her chest and now it's like 4 inches long. she claims that i'm subconsciously manipulating her and that she doesn't have PMDD and didn't when we were broken up and that i basically made it up, when i confronted her with some evidence to contrary she admitted to maybe having PMS symptoms but every girl does. The problem is that people like me cause their significant others to feel anxious and depressed and suicidal because i make her feel bad about her 'crazy PMDD' behavior.  and because i didn't agree with her 2 weeks ago when i assumed she was in the depths of a PMDD outburst i'm this horrible guy who will never be able to give her what she wants.. and of course she still loves me and wants me to be happy but we can't be happy together.. if i had a dollar for every time she said that and then recanted and told me how glad she was i never gave up on her.  The thing that gets me is this time i didn't even really fight with her. she accused me of gaslighting her and i told her that didn't make any sense and then we just didn't talk for 2 weeks. i dunno what else i could have reasonably done. it seems like she's going off the deep end, but i really don't want to lose her because usually she comes back and i still love her.

bobbobbo1 bobbobbo1
31-35, M
4 Responses Dec 1, 2012

i suffer pmdd and you two are the same as me and my partner. I accuse him of the same treat him the same and at times have been in deniel. I too once chopped off my hair, |I dont really belive hes a gaslighter. I know he loves me really , he wouldnt forgive me all he does if he didnt but you have to understand how hard it is not to know your own mind a lot of the time. every time your angry having to try to logically thinkif your justifed in getting angry and throw in a lot of paranoia and you sometimes can think people are trying to manipulate you. I know there are times ....and this is only something for you to consider it doesnt mean its the case. but there are times i want him to be free . this is my condition he doesnt have to live with it and he can have someone normal. thats why i chopped off my hair ...it was what attracted him to me in the first place.

I wish you both luck......

I Just read your whole story. It breaks my heart. It's not easy loving someone with such a delicate situation. I feel like I'm pushing my bf away. I have the worse case of pmdd. Well I think anyways. A week before my period, I get in the worse mood. I'm uncontrollably sensitive. Vulnerable, irritable, mean, hungry, not hungry. Sleepy but can't sleep. Horny but not horny. Everything seems wrong. I can watch a commercial that has nothing to do with anything and start crying hysterical. I been with my bf almost 5 years and believe me We gone through everything you and your gf have.. I kick him out every five mins . Say nasty mean things that I know I don't mean. But can't help my emotions.literally can't hold back the rage and tears. After Years of him dealing with my recurring incidents, he learned how to deal with me. Which is pretty much letting me cry it out. Or scream it out. Or reminding me It's Just my emotions. Some times it works, other times there Nothing you can do but Just hug or kiss her. Hey sometimes leave her to deal with it alone. It sounds harsh but 99% were Just exaggerated. LoVE is real but so is pmdd all you need to do is balance them out. If you have any questions on how We deal with it email me. I feel for you. Don't Let this ruin your relationship he didn't give up on me yet. Don't give up on her either. Gabriellavallecillo@gmail.com

From a girl that has PMDD I will say that it is extreamly hard and each case is a bit different. I don't want to say that there is no hope becasue where there is a will there is a way. From my own experience it takes a lot of patience to put up with someone that has PMDD. It is not just a few days of the month that it is in effect but for me almost the whole month. What my ex would is nod and just agree with everything I said and then apologize for it later. I would freak out over the smallist things, I cannot say an exact plan of attack for you to try but walking away is not good either. Take deep breaths and if she is too unreasonable then walk away but do not give up on her if you love her as much as you say you do, because PMDD is no easy thing and she is probably really scared of the person she is when it is taking so much control of her life.

Sorry to hear your story. I've been reading things on here and you make the most sense. My heart goes to you