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I Just Want Happiness

Looking back, I can see that PMDD has affected my life since puberty. I just turned 40. It continues on and on, month after month. For ten years I have been talking to different Doctors and I have been on a couple of different medications. Nothing seems to work.

I am just coming out of my latest episode. It always begins with me having a meltdown of anger, always toward my husband. I say horrible things. I wish I could say that I don't mean them, but they are things that I feel much of the time and can usually cover up or push aside. When it hits I explode. It could be the smallest thing that triggers it, this time we were playing a card game. Despite us being married for almost 18 years, it always seems new and unchartered territory. For a very long time he would say things like, "happiness is a choice" or just calls me crazy. After the explosion happens I become "the victim". This is so hard to admit because I know it is irrational, but he picks up the pieces of my self-loathing for the next two to three days. I usually feel like my family will be better off without me. However, he and I usually end up closer at the end of the episode, but I know the damage I continue to do takes a toll and hidden resentments build inside of him. And what kind of terrible things am I teaching my (not so little anymore) children?

I have calendared for years now. I exercise regularly and try to eat right. It is so hard feeling out of control, alone, guilty and depressed to the point of staying away from anyone for two to three days. I often feel like I am two different people. Mostly happy, even positive, until "those days" hit. I am so worried about Menopause since both of my pregnancies were emotional and needy ones also.

I joined this group looking for a community who knows what I am talking about. A place where I can support you and you can support me. Together, maybe we can get through these unbearable episodes together!
monthlymaniac monthlymaniac 36-40, F Jan 22, 2013

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