Laying It Out On the Table . . .

All I can say is, what happened to me?!  I was so astonished at the change that came over me a little over a year ago.  I have had little bouts with depression for many years now, but they had never been anything to really worry about.  They'd last a couple weeks and then I'd be fine for quite a while. 

It wasn't until last December when my family and I moved to another town AND I had a baby during the middle of our move that I started noticing something different.  I wondered if I maybe had post-partum depression, or if the move and having a baby all at the same time was causing too much stress and I had simply gotten to the breaking point.

I remember being in hysterical tears most days by the time my husband came home and I often felt the need to just get away -- away from my house, my kids, my husband, EVERYONE.  I would take the car key and tell him I'd be back in a little while.  So many times I just wanted to keep driving and never go back.  Looking back on it now I guess maybe I was trying to run away from the turmoil I felt inside, even though it was impossible.

I was suffering, but what was even worse for me was the pain I was putting on my two children and husband.  I was shutting them out.  In order to stay sane, I'd have to put my kids in their rooms and I would end up on my bed crying and feeling like a terrible mom and yet not have the motivation to try to do better.  There were times I literally scared myself because I would handle my children too roughly.  It felt like rage just built up inside of me so quickly and I would feel so out of control, like I wasn't even me anymore.

Then, I would have a week or two when I felt so much better and more like myself and I'd realize everything was okay.  I felt love for my husband and children and life was beautiful.  I would wonder why in the world I had felt and acted the awful way I had only days before and be so glad it was over. 

Of course we all know that's not the way it goes.  I would repeat the cycle and I seemed to get worse with every one.  After many hysterical phone calls to my mom throughout many months, she finally did some research on my behalf and suggested that I might have PMDD.  I didn't want to believe it.  It always seemed that things like PMDD were just some women's cop-out for being ornery.  Yes, I was one of those skeptics -- shame on me.  

I finally scheduled an appointment with a counselor who had focused a lot on PMDD.  He prescribed fluoxetine (generic for Prozac) and after a little trial and error I found the dosage that works for me.  The difference has been incredible.  I still have "grey-cloud" days, but they are managable now.  I never would have understood how much PMDD affected a person's life.  My own marriage was threatened by it, which was proof enough for me of how serious this can be.  My heart goes out to all who are affected by PMDD and I sincerely hope we can all find something that works and helps us manage it.

nomorecry nomorecry
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Pleased you were diagnosed and did something about it before you destroyed your relationships. Good work!

I completely understand how you feel... I'm still quite young but this is one of the things that makes me scared to marry my boyfriend or to ever have kids. I'm terrified I'd ruin it all for myself. My own mother has gotten rough with her younger children and has since been put on medication for PMDD. I'm scared I'll be the same as her since I too have severe PMS/PMDD every month...<br />
<br />
I am truly glad that you found something to help you and saved your marriage! Best wishes for you all in the future!