The RecoveryIt all started last year. I had just entered my first year in sciences at cegep. I was very joyful and glad to have switched to the quebec system after having been in the french system all my life., Sadly for me, i didnt adapt very well and i flunked my three sciences courses the first session. By the end of the session, i was in depressed mode. i cried practiclyy evryday , i didnt socialize anymore and i lost all of my concentration when it came to studying. The winter vacatrions arrived and i decided to pull myself together and get better. I went out with friends, i partied and did some oil painting.I was ok.Big deal i flunked 3 courses i ll do better next time.( plus i had had a few physical medical problems and stayed a lot of time at the hospital which didnt help either)
The begining of the second session arrived. It went ok at first. But then my first big tests arrived. I started crying in class for no reason when i received my chemistry WHICH I HAD PASSED!! evryone was looking at me like wtf is wrong with her .From that point on my crying got bigger and bigger evry week. One week later , i got my grade for physics, i had flunked. The psychosis i think kicked in at that time. My 2 only friends at that time were my lab partner (who never did **** in the labs) and my other friend. Both bimbos didnt stop critizing me saying omg why are you soo irritating and annoying - why do u cry all the time - seriously u re doing this on purpose to get attention from people--- OK LIKE WTF i wasnt in control of my body anymore i couldnt believe what they had said. Even when i couldnt take it anymore , and starting skipping classes because of the anxiety , the headaches and the crying , they still thought that i was ACTING OUT. Most of my teachers didnt help either. They all saw me as a delinquant because i had flunked my first session and i was flunking it again and skipping. Ok its understandible for teachers but when u explain to a teacher that ure feeling sad all the time they should at least feel some compassion for you .I mean never did i funken even flunk a course in my life before that year ! Im not as delinquant and it killed me to see them see me as one.The psychosis i guess kicked in at the worst moment ever - i had a crush on a guy- somewhat charming i guess - ok aws i started getting disillusions that he was interested in me ( also other guys) !!!!!!!!!!! how screwed up is that. I mean yeah it happens to make a mistake but what i did is much more horrid then that . never in my sane mind whod i had done what i did. I knew i was goin under- my parents thought it was just a phase(they left me alone in the country with my older brother who had aspergers, and my sister who was practicly never there) my sister left one weekend and i managed to lock myself out of the house ! what a smart *** i was - thankfully i stayed my my grandma for a week -- i was scared and i couldnt be alone - i hated beig alone - but i couldnt do much too change that- people wouldnt be my friend at that time-- i was always irritated and tired and lonerish.
the idea of having a boyfriend was to make me feel better ! it went really wrong- PSYCHOTIC me sent a message to the guy- i told him something stupid like you MAY interest me but i cant be with you right now - WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!for those few words sent i will feel ashamed and regret it for the rest of my life-- the guy had a girlfriend- he freaked out and left the cegep the next session- and since he was somewhat popular and knew evrone - well lets just say i have a tough time readapting after the depression..
Thw week that i left school , he told his friends and in chemistry class -- PSYCHOSIS MOMENT- some guys put themself behing me and called me a a MUTATED FREAK. ( my doctor says that i invented it but hearing something like that is it far fetched considering what i did) my whole life i was bullied what i meean you think 17 years olds r all mature------------------------------------------i started crying and i decided to leave school to ashamed to face anyone or myself- I wanted it to end... The next morning in fear of killing myself with medications i had in my room i convinced my dad to bring me to the hospital- who still at that point didnt believe i was as sick as i was- I blurred evrything out and may have even exaggerated my symptoms to get into the hospital. I stayed there for 16 days(but during the time period of a month) and after that i told the doc i was ok and he let me leave- just like that- of course they gave me meds but after just a month no even i didnt need my antipsychotics anymore-- i was back to normal-- of the doctor wasnt aware that i had stopped the antipsychotics-- its only after 2 sessions of revisiting him that he knew i had stopped but i was ok soo he didnt make such a big deal about it-- i had took stop the antipsychotics(zeprexa) i gained 40 pounds in very little time)
evr since the depression my parents dont treat me the same anymore-they still love and all but it just isnt the same. I hAte myself evryday for what i was -- im scared that im going to have to pay for it for the rest of my life and that imight go back to being that------ Im soo sorry for what i did- it wasnt me! but it was me.
during summer, i decided to take summer courses to make me feel better. It helped.i even joined a gym . I m back at cegep now- few know about my depression evn fewer know about the type of depression.
I built up courage to go back to cegep and face evryone. Im doing much better now, im passing all my courses and im getting good grades. Never do i miss a class (but i do sometimes arrive 5 mins late lol ) i like school it cheers me up--ok and i managed to lose about 20pds since begining of year so im glad. But the friends that i made this session dont know about anything - they think i started the same time as them-im scared theyre going to find out and they wont talk to me anymore.( plus one of the knows the people who where in ma classes at that time)Ever since the experience with the guy , i dont try anything anymore- i dont get close to boys and i dont develop interests in them. I m too ashamed of what i did and if one guy that i may date in the future may find out what i did in the past (if i evr do)- itll be the end of me-- for me what i did is like what tobby mcguire does in the movie Brothers , its like killing a feiend to survive. I cant even listen to any love songs anymore beacause they all remind of what i did and i feel soo ashamed. the worst part is my mom has cancer and i'm not there as much as i could be because i need to think of myself before her.I dont get how my life derailed in so little time- if i wouldnt have gone in sciences would i have had a normal life...
i forgave my friends for thinking the things they did - i didn't hallucinate that-.We re back to being close friends now. Im different and i hope that people can forgive me for what i did .