My Story Of Abuse & Ptsd

I feel so strange, I don't why I keep feeling because I'm older I think I'm going through these things lone. I use to live with my mother up until the age of 11 then I went to live with my father who had another family & I saw him once in blue moon. I was neglected by my mom, so went to live with him. The verbal & physical abuse started, it was like he was a whole different person. My dad never told me he loved me or talked to me about anything I wanted to do. Everything was about what I could do for him. I was in the 9th grade & had to get up every morning t 3pm to go deliver newspapers with him to people's houses by the time we were done it was time to get ready for school. I had to do this everyday, I was so tired. I didn't even get paid for it. He was so mean to me, I felt like he hated me. I would get punched in the face if I did something or slapped. I was so afraid of my dad, to me he was evil. I had to come straight home from school everyday & would be timed. I didn't hang out with my friends or anything. I never opened up to him, because I was scared to. I remember I like a boy nd he kissed me I was 16 at the time, my brother came outside nd saw it ran back in the house & told my dad. He called me in the house told me to go upstairs, when he said that I knew I was going to get it. I went into my room he shut the door & punched me in my mouth, my lip stared bleeding. I began crying and he looked t me like he didnt even care. After this he called the boy in my house told me to come down stairs so he could see my busted lip. I was so embarrssed for him to see me that way.

Their is so much more stuff, but its to much to write, but now I'm dealing with ptsd nd Im married with kids. I feel so bad because I know Im stressing my husband out from me self inflicting. I tries to stop, but I have so much anger inside me, because I cant fce my dad, we tries to have relationship, but he keeps bringing up the pass & blaming it on me. He evens says he didn't buse me, it drives me crazy, because I feel like I cant move forward. We go back & forth not tlking I just shuts down and become angry, but I hate that I dont wnt to hurt him, but why. I even started doubting myself that it ever hppened, then I said I know Im not just mking things up in my head. when I bring up something he said to me, he says I need to stop mkingg up things. He just wont dmit any wrong, only says he know he was mean, but he hd to be like that. I feel like I never lerned how to build normal friendships with people. I dont go out with other females, I been like this so long to where it feels normal, but I hate it...
skyline37 skyline37
36-40, F
Sep 19, 2012