Where To Reach?

I feel as if there is nowhere to turn.
I want help, but my last doctor referred me to the EMERGENCY ROOM to help me to find mental healthcare.
I have no idea what doctor to go to here.
I really need something to calm the panic attacks down, but if you ask for a medication, especially by name, you will be treated like a drug addict.
My old doctor is gone and not coming back. What in the hell do I do?
I have 2 choices right now. Pick up and go along with what everybody else wants while feeling sick, scared and suicidal or have someone get onto me for not doing it and end up feeling just as bad or worse if I try to take a break.
Nobody seems to get it. Or they get it until it's inconvenient.
I don't want everyone to think I'm psycho. I feel psycho, but I know I'm not. I know that I have held up well. I know that under the same circumstances a lot of others would have completely crumbled a long time ago.
I feel like I'm crumbling now. I am afraid that if I don't stop I am going to lose everybody I care for. It's not easy for them either.
I know that if I talk to a regular doctor they will just throw me on Lexapro and tell me good luck. I am not against medication. I'm against a quick fix. I know that it will help for just a little while and I will be right back where I started.
I miss my old psychiatrist. He's the only doctor that ever got what was going on with me at all. He was "public" so I didn't get the help I could have from him either, though he genuinely tried.

I so need to move on from these feelings, but no matter what I do they stick. i try to relax and all I do is think. I try to keep busy and all I do is tire out. I try to write ideas of how I can make it better and it just jumbles in my head. I want to sleep so badly, but I'm too awake. I will lay around and think more which just makes me want to hurt myself. I really need help.
l0c0 l0c0
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

I just happened on your post. My name is Scott, I live in Florida. I moved here 2 years ago at the urging of my sister. I was very ill. I had some very traumatic events occur in Mobile, AL where i had lived for 7 years. I was in a very abusive relationship with a guy (I;m Gay) that involved drugs. I also bought several rental properties with inhertance in Mobile and that started to fall apart. i became very ill, was hospitalized repeatedly, attempted suicide. i had uncontrollable anxiety and fear, was depressed and agitated. I felt detached from everything. i had a suicide 'stash' that I hid as it was comforting for me to know I had that out if things did not get better. I came to see my sister for Thanksgiving in 2010 and she urged me to come and stay with her. i left everything, walked away from debt, allowed foreclosure of the properties, the relationship, lost everything but did it to try to save myself.
Doctors had put me on very strong med, Seroquel and neurontin but nothing helped. I see a therapist who has diagnosed me from Bi Polar to Ptsd as the 'scene' in mobile was terryfying for me. My doctor put me on a medication called Remeron which is an old timey trycyclic antidepressant that has a bit of a sedative quality. I have come a long way. I felt so bad when i read your post as you were me a year or so ago. I just want to reassure you that it is possible to feel better. My anxiety is so much more manageable now. Do some reading on Remeron it is the only thing that has worked for me and i am on the lower dose. It can cause weight gain but not in my case. Good luck to you, I hope you feel better. Scott

Thank you Scott. I'm Alabamian. I think this stuff is in the water here. I started taking my neurontin again because I had a stockpile of it. It's the only thing I have to help but it not only makes my mind slow down from bad thoughts, it makes me unable to concentrate on things I need to also. I am bipolar and have PTSD as well from something that happened 2 years ago that I am supposed to "Just get over already" and therapy around here, even for someone on disability, is difficult if not impossible to find. I had hoped so much that medicaid would cover a therapist when I got disability a few months ago, but the ones that take it are all out of town and I do not drive. Hell, I have only left the house alone (in a cab) once in 2 years and it was chaotic at best. I hope that your move helped you. I wish I had the option to leave this area because there are so many hard, bad memories associated with it.