Lost And Broken

I was in an abusive marriage for a long time. It started out ok but out of about 13 year about 10 of those I was extremely emotionally abused. It started out with depression but as time went on I started having anxiety attacks. It really sucked the life out of me and it wasn't until I left him that I fully understood that I was actually suffering with PTSD while still in the relationship.

Some of the time we actually got along great but other times his temper would just snap and he would just be relentlessly in my face, determined to make me see his way. He was so persistent he was literally an inch from my face for hours even days at a time. I would be up all night not able to escape his rants and when I did finally fall asleep, he would be sitting at the edge of the bed waiting for me to wake up so he could keep going. I could never leave his sight when he got that way. I started asking for a divorce about 2 or 3 years in, but whenever I brought it up it would set him off and he couldn't possibly leave me alone until he was sure I would not leave him. If it weren't for the fact that we had kids together I probably would have left sooner but he would pretty much blackmail me with my own kids. I always caved just to keep him civil and protect the kids from drama. When I did finally leave, I was in the middle of an argument and I couldn't take anymore. I was terrified but knew if I had the courage to do it then everything would get better after that first step.

The only problem was I didn't have my kids with me when I left. I knew he would be crazy and cause all kinds of trauma to the kids if I would have attempted to bring them so my thought was that I would get them afterwards. I thought no judge in their right mind would grant him custody. I was so naive and had no idea what I was doing. I tried initially to kick him out so my kids could stay home with me, but of course he wouldn't leave so I did. I was also naive in thinking that I didn't have to worry about custody until the divorce.

It is now about 5 years later and I still have to share custody with this *******. I had to represent myself in court, i don't even know how many times now, all while having anxiety attacks from being in the same room with him. Because of the fact that I didn't have any witnesses or police reports, I couldn't prove the abuse and the judge awarded him custody. I had to endure my son, who was 3 at the time, crying hysterically as he was taken from me. After some time though I was eventually rewarded custody because his temper started showing up when he was dealing with our other son. I actually had to wait and let him screw up on his own. I still have to deal with him occasionally but now that I can finally stop worrying about court, I find myself unable to even remember who I used to be. I still battle with depression, and I have occasional anxiety attacks when faced with things I am scared to do. I have learned that these things are part of my PTSD and different things are triggers for me.

I feel so helpless sometimes and its incredible frustrating not to be able to do things. I am still able to push myself sometimes but not nearly enough. I hardly ever leave my house because I have no car, I cant get a job with no car and even if I did my anxiety attacks would prevent me from leaving the house most days. I had so many episodes where I was kept prisoner in my own home you would think I would be nothing but happy to get out. I was never allowed to walk out the door, and I could never call for help because he hide the phone from me, if I did manage to get my car keys (when I did have a car) he would tackle me and try to take them. If I made it to the car he wouldnt get out and never let me start the car. If I did mange to make it to the car he would sit on the car or try to let the air out of the tires. Leaving the house and driving were always a stressful event and I cant seem to shake it, even years later. Now that I am so screwed up I have trouble finding anyone who can relate. I really do want to get better but I can't without friends to support me. I am hoping that maybe I might find someone who understands how I feel. I always have to try and pretend that I am ok but really I am not. I am tired of living with this. It sucks the life out of me. I don't want to be stuck in my house anymore.

Things are much better but I dont know what to do.I have tried a few different meds with little success. My depression has made me feel like a shell of a person. I cant feel unless its overwhelming despair. I have to ignore it all just to get through my daily routine but I am not any closer to a resolution. My kids need me to be strong so I put on a brave face and push on. I am running out of steam. I know I need a supportive group of friends, but I don't have any friends close enough to help me. I was hopeful when I saw this website and these stories. i thought that maybe I would find at least one person who would say..... I understand.
brokenbunny brokenbunny
36-40, F
Dec 12, 2012