New Years Resolution? Not
Been struggling for a while and it's not getting better. I've been incapacitated in my bed for a few days now. If I move it's to go to the bathroom or sit alone in another room. Husband was told his work shift has been changed. I feel as if one of my major support systems is gone. Been there done that don't want to do it again. I don't like the feeling I have that it's useless getting up. But it's not a conscious decision to say hey I'm just gonna stay in bed. It's just kinda happening. I tell myself today will be different. Getting up being productive. Trying to believe it will make a difference. But staying close to that little ball comforted by a lot of blankets... I feel safe. Doesn't make me numb though. My mind is working overtime. When I fall down and can't get up again I say ok I'm at a low, can only get better. And I'm wrong. Things can and do get worse I've never felt so desperate to just do nothing. So why the title resolutions. I don't make them. I could rant about why but for now I think they're just stupid. It doesn't take one magic? day to change stuff. Because once the rose colored glasses come off you're screwed. I can't make promises to myself. Hell it seems I can't make promises any day of the year....it just ain't happening. But I could wish things for myself. And those wishes, those dreams are things I want to and have quantified for such a long time. I yearn for hope not just the...everything's gonna be ok. I yearn for peace. I need to accept things as they are. I strive for control, only in and of itself to do the things I need to do. I want to live not just survive...survival is not enough. I need...I need.... Damn I don't want to appear needy. Ive got to be though, in the sense of being straight in saying: help me. God knows how many people in my life that I've helped. Uh it's my turn now .... Don't know if I can do that. But I don't want the feeling of being so alone that I fade into the background. I want to start believing in myself. I want to quit struggling so much. If I'm on medication I know there are no magic pills out there...but I can only hope that there is something out there that will get me out if myself and make me feel that my coping skills are still there somewhere under the **** I endure. I don't want people to say everything will be ok. Cause nobody knows that for sure. I don't want someone telling me to just "do it". Cause it ain't easy. My med nurse tells me I'm lonely and need to get out and have fun. Fun? Sure. I'll try. And did it so why am I in bed right now. Cause trying to have fun didn't work. And I'm not lonely. I don't have to be alone. It's my choice to call people. My counselor tells me to do the things I need to do and everything will follow and be ok. Yup basic stuff...eating showering sleeping, exercising, the basic stuff of survival. Well I'm still here so yeah I'm surviving. But that doesn't explain how that all is to help me live. Some days I can do this stuff but right now I feel a weight closing in in me. Seems when it comes to other people I can and do help them. Sometimes I talk a good talk walk a good walk. I sometimes give suggestions which people are thankful for but as to my listening to what I say... not happening. People saying I'm courageous? Yeah some do. But I'm not. I'm a coward. Cause at times when I get out of myself and things seem ok I jump back now because of fear of being knocked down again. So how low can I go? Obviously low. My counselor told me weeks ago to find a chat room where I could talk to people who share my interests of running..or triathlons. And I found this site. And it's a good one. It makes me see that I am not alone in the way I think. I could hope that I make a difference in someone's life. As some of you make in mine. But nobody can change what's inside of me. God knows I've tried many things to change the "outside" stuff hoping it would change the inside stuff, one being being on this site. So. Resolutions? No. Promises? No. Hope? Sort of. If I don't have an inkling of hope than I have absolutely nothing. So as I lay here in solitude I hope that I'm able to get up and do one thing to help myself. I don't like this feeling at all and to just say ok than change it... You all know it's not that easy. I have to fight fight and fight some more. And the more I fight, when something goes wrong as life does, I give up. Then I fight some more. Then give up. Sound familiar? The vicious circle I endure. Same as you guys. Thanks for letting me share.