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To Continue....

I am spending a lot of time in bed these days. It scares me to know how good it feels to feel safe. I've put serious thought into why i don't have the capability to get going. Fear. Scared that if I get up things will just be swept out from under my feet. It's easier just to not have any expectations... then what can go wrong? it's safer this way. I say if I get up I will.... whatever. And some of those thoughts are not pleasant. So yeah I'm keeping myself safe from myself. But I can't get too comfortable in this reality. Because the real world expects me to be a mother, wife, and worker as I return to work on Wednesday. I can't live in the safety of my bed. Others have expectations of, from me. How long can I tell people I'm in bed cause I don't feel well...even though that's true to a degree. I can't listen to my husband, my daughter ask me when I'm getting up day after day. But in my mind I can't but help think what are my expectations? Screw everybody else... My expectations follow what my other story new years resolutions not does. I want...I want... I want... but how can I deal with getting wiped out again by what's out there in the real world. I can't hide from it forever. I know I really need to work on my coping skills so I don't have to hide under blankets soft warm comfortable and safe....very safe.
ilove2tri ilove2tri 51-55, F 2 Responses Dec 30, 2012

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you need to identify specific things through your day to day issue's that you cant solve. Identify on "this specific day" what your "specific" issue is. Dont think of the next day, or month or year, or the past, think of what your doing right now. And what you can change. Then solve it, and move on to the next problem.

If its a hard day, take small steps, if your feeling confident, start to look at the big picture and try to solve what needs to be solved in the big scheme of things.

but if your in your bed feeling down, and you face your past present and future BIG problems, you wont get anywhere. believe me.

take it a step at a time.

You are very much correct. I'm in the middle of the see saw right now. One of my meds was changed to Effexor a few weeks back. I can't say for sure that hey this works. But I can say that I'm glad it was changed because its helping clear some muck in my head. But it's also the fact that I've been journaling about things that bother me and cause me to slip and fall into never never land. My therapist and I have been going over each issue one by one in depth. It's good to have it written down so I don't "forget" stuff. So yeah I am taking things one small step at a time with her help. My big issue for this weeks session is how can I fall so deeply where nothing at all matters and totally give up, contemplating things unheard of if I thought more clearly. She may not have all the answers but she's usually right on target. And she too tells me to focus on the baby steps and basic stuff like eat shower and exercise and everything else will fall into place. So, so far this is what I'm doing. Thanks for your comments. Jeez I didn't think I'd reply back with sooo much.

i understand the safety of the bed....i used to love the night time, i felt like i could venture outside and not be seen...it's been awhile since you wrote this..how are things for you now?

I'm doing ok taking things one at a time. My med was changed two weeks ago. I don't feel like I'm dying inside right now. Kinda riding the middle of the road. Thanks for asking.