Trust

I want to be alone, but it also scares me to be alone. I pull away from people, but I also want people around me. Most days I run through my room because I feel someone watching me or following me. Most nights I have to turn around and look over my shoulder to check before I can go to sleep. I repress memories and first now all of my past seems to fall into place... unfortunately. When I was attacked and raped when I was younger, I couldn't connect the dots. It was a vivid dream, not reality. That's what I believed for years. I trusted my friend's older brother until he pinned me to his bed and asked if I liked it. When I shook my head, he laughed. Only a little time went by before a group of older brothers and classmates attacked me at an 'after school club' for kids. They laughed at me when they saw how scared I was. I didn't trust them anymore. Then my cousin, then my best friend, sexually assaulted me. When I came forward with the truth four years later to my family, he denied it all and said I was lying. When he finaly admitted to it, my family was torn apart. People in my own family don't even know how to talk to me or be around me anymore. Some time after that, I was tied up in the back of a van (I don't even remember how I got there), where the drivers drove me to some sort of a construction site. There they pulled out a mattress and raped me repeatedly. When they were done, they went over by the van and started arguing over how to get rid of me. I took that time, to roll off the mattress (my hands were tied in front of me) and run as fast as I could away from the site. Before or after that incident, I had been taken to a basement, I think. I was strapped to a metal table with surgical tools hanging over my head. Someone was screaming as if they knew they were about to die. It came from TV in the corner of the room. It never stopped playing videos of previous girls being tortured to death and screaming. It was by luck that I escaped after only a few hours, I think, and no more than a few cuts on my thighs. But the memory that triggered all of these memories to eventually resurface, was when I was 17 and stranger raped. I ended up pregnant, but miscarried after a while. I remembered that attacked two weeks after. And then the rest of my past slowly came back to me. Now I just feel anxious wherever I go, I still hear screams in my sleep, I have suffered with severe depression for 13 years, and I just can't get myself to trust anyone. That's how it all started anyways.
Brielle18 Brielle18
18-21, F
Jan 18, 2013