Note To My Spouse About How He Triggers Ptsd SymptomsI've barely slept a wink all night I'm feeling so triggered. I can't sleep in the same bed as you and I can't fall asleep with Aliyah.
I'm still just as upset as I was when speaking to you many hours ago. Worse.
I don't have any anti-anxiety meds in the house and I obviously need something.
I think I would have been well on my way to being over my PTSD if you were not in my life.
It's detrimental to my psychological well being to have you around me.
I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about what to do because I'm no longer willing to have my health, quality of life compromised.
Even in circumstances where people don't have PTSD it's incredibly challenging to avoid being drawn in and triggered by a close relative like a spouse. Let alone a spouse that has dealt me with some jarring 'shocks' in the past 8 years -- finding out what happened just after adopting our daughter (you seeing prostitutes for 8 yars) was a huge shock and triggered prolonged PTSD symptoms.
I'm not capable in my compromised mental (and physical) condition to weather any more of these triggers.
I need to be in a calm, safe place to heal and care for myself. I don't feel safe with you. I feel 'on the alert', hyper vigilant. I noticed you were drinking again on Friday -- you came home 'feeling sick' -- but not too sick to drink 2 L of apple cider and 6 ounces of my organic vodka. (all on your own - not social drinking with me)
I realize now I'm hyper vigilant about your 'moods' because that's when you start on me like he did today. Doing what you can to wind me up, saying horrible things, then when I respond in anger accusing me of 'abuse'.
I don't want to live waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to get well. It's unlikely this will happen living with you as you are in your current state of mind and me in mine. Because it's soooo precarious. If I'm under stress, (or working during the busy time of my business) and you have to 'knuckle under' and I don't give 'attention, appreciation, etc" in the way that's going to satisfy you (AND God knows this will happen) then the way you act towards me will continue. and it's not only that you did what you did today... it's the state of our relationship (little affection, no sex life, etc.)
I feel hopeless that I'm going to be able to manage the triggers that come my way via you given the state of supports in my life (no family here, no supportive church anyomre, not independently wealthy with a villa in Italy to escape to whenever I need to 're-charge') and given my state of mind/body - PTSD, chronic back pain that flares up from two car accieents, menopausal symptoms, and history of hurtful exchanges and experiences wit hou.
I had no respite this weekend. I worked Saturday, had no re-charging today because of your exchanges with me, no sleep tonight and I'll be working all week.
I'm beside myself to find a way out of this. Analogy: a spider in a sink attempting to crawl out and never reaching the top.
The cost of living this way, with you outweights the benefits because of the toll it takes on my health.
My urge to do you violence (I'm imagining bashing your head in with a rock right now) is a strategy to drive home all of the above.
This is not healthy. And, I'm sad, very upset that I'm going into my 50th year with an environment in my our newly purchase first-ever home that doesn't support my well-being. I don't want violent thoughts.
I tried listening to my meditation tapes (they will be picked up tomorrow so today was my last day to benefit from them) - they didn't help. I took my other meds - no help. I tried drinking goat's milk (it's turned sour and I'm imagining letting you know this because you bought the milk and didn't check the date. I imagined the horrible reaction Id get from you because you'll feel 'devastated' that you 'screwed up' and bought the milk) I can't take this anymore. I thought about killing myself today in order to escape this torture.
Then what is my week going to bring me??? Now that I'm in this state of mind it only makes things worse between you and me and the whole cycle starts again. and it's day after day with more exchanges like this. I wish I had the guts right now to end all of this. I feel I have to get out of this house, be away from you completely, just having you here is torture. I'm having the same feelings of hate that I had for my father who sexually, physically abused me. (no you don't physically abuse me I know)
Your stated desire today about us staying together as a family was initially hopeful to me when I heard it today, but you don't have a clue how to proceed and I don't think you've got the wherewithal and supports for yourself (socially, spiritually, psychologically) to make it happen with someone like me in my state of health, age, and with PTSD etc.
It's all just too much for you to really cope with and I get that.
So maybe it's just time to face the music and say "hey this isn't going to work" -- how on earth are you ever going to dig deep enough in a healthy, constructive way to make it happen? I can't have all the perfect responses you want (need) from me.
I think we need to give up.
I need some peace, calm and rest for my body, mind and soul. Then maybe our relationship could have a chance
.... until I'm under the weather again, triggered, not giving you the 'attention' you want and then the whole thing starts off over again.