Ptsd And My Experience With It...I wasn't diagnosed until 2010, yet researching PTSD and looking back over my life I have begun to understand it's beginnings (nightmares and panic attacks that started at the age of 7 yrs. old). I was sexually assaulted by a male teenage babysitter at the age of 4 yrs old which I don't doubt was the initial cause, and subsequent abuse and neglect by family members and a sexual assault by a coworker have added and strengthened it's grip on me. I understand that chances of recovering or completely healing are less for victims that have PTSD for a great length of time. I couldn't say enough how awful and tragic PTSD is, I suppose it's impact is different for each person. I have triggers (sexual harassment, verbal abuse...some triggers I'm still trying to figure out). My psychiatrist asked if I ever get angry...I had to laugh...not nearly enough. When PTSD is triggered in me I feel fear, terror, sadness...I feel very much like that terrified little girl again. I have to leave, escape, feeling like no place in the world is safe. The only way I can describe it, is feeling like the floor beneath my feet just gave way, or trapped in a building and the walls are crumbling and caving in...my natural instinct is to run and leave wherever it is that I'm at, struggling and clamoring to find some safe place or steady ground. I get angry sometimes, angry that this could have been prevented if people had the common sense not to abuse me, angry that I didn't deserve this, angry that my perpetrators walk free, angry that it's not their nightmare, burden and baggage to carry. I can only push to find justice, and push for education on abuse and sexual assault so other children and women aren't diagnosed with a lifetime of misery, which essentially is what PTSD is. Doctors push more and more medication, although I went forty years with PTSD without any medication, I went through all the abuse without medication; which says something about the life I'm currently living and how devastatingly hurtful it's been. If we as a world respected human life, all human life, we'd all be in a much better place.
blueeyesshine 41-45, F 1 Response 2 May 6, 2012