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I Release Myself

When I was eight years old my male babysitter climbed in my bed and began to touch me. I knew it was wrong and I still remember the fear. It was the same fear I felt when the downstairs neighbor made me reach out and touch his private parts. I escaped to the bathroom where I remained, locked in safety until my mother returned. He was very mad that I would not come out.
I said nothing until the next time I realized my mother was going to call that babysitter again. I broke down, crying and begging my mother not to call that boy. Once I told her what had happened she began yelling at me because I had not told her right away.
I felt guity somehow. I felt like I was a bad person because these men could do that to me. It made me a victim. When I was eighteen I was raped in a campus dorm room. It was long before the term date rape was coined. He was a stranger who offered me a ride home. When I finally escaped, barefoot on the campus of Ohio State University, I had no idea where I was or how to get home. I called my mother who had me call a cab and after I made it home, we went to the hospital. They called the police who wanted to know where this person was and the doctors gave me pill to prevent pregnancy. My mother waited until we were alone in the room and told me we would not be pursuing the matter legally because it would be embarrassing and time consuming. She said that if I had not been in the bar it would not have happened and that I just needed to move on. I spent my entire life thinking I had, until I found out that the thought that I was bad person was very deeply ingrained and it repeated itself over and over in a great many different contexts.
So back to present day. After learning that we get back in this life what we are actively dwelling on, you would think I would see that beating myself up about my sexual history and picturing all the horrible things that could happen would be self defeating but you cannot change something about yourself that is your normal, because you do not even know that it is wrong.
I have always been hard headed but the events that occurred last week brought it home in all of its glory. What you actively fear will come to you and there is no other outcome.
My sons mother in law was harboring a great deal of resentment against me of which I knew nothing about. I had a better relationship with her daughters than she did, I had daily access to my granddaughter because we lived with my son and his wife. I am a painter, a guitar player, a song writer, an unpublished author of two books. I have been married forever and my relationship with my children is on solid ground. These were all things in hindsight that she must have hated about me. I am not sure of the motivation behind what happened but long story short, she called Children's Services and reported that my husband and I had abused our three year old grandchild.. I had never had a panic attack before but the experience is not want I want to repeat. The charges of course were unfounded and the knowledge came to me hard and fast that if I want to keep beating myself up over things that I had no control over then it was all well and good, but that I would get exactly what I was unconsciously holding myself responsible for.
After my initial horror of this mind blowing experience, I settled down to understand that there must have been alot of pain and unhappiness in this person to want to reach out and try to ruin my life. The whole experience had the opposite effect that she would have wished. I view this as a gift because she allowed me to finally see that I am a good person and I hold no responsibility for the poor decisions of others.
If we tell our children they are less than, they will believe us. If we tell our children that it is their fault, they will believe us, if we tell our children that they will never amount to anything, they will believe us and then set out to make it fact.
In this illusion of what we call life, we are nothing but unconscious players in someone else's drama. When we wake up to see that things are not the way we were taught to believe, the puzzle seems to solve itself, until we reach the next layer of dysfunction and it begins anew.
lorilogic lorilogic 46-50 Aug 17, 2012

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