Whispers In The Wind

Always there, in the back of my mind for 20 years.
Only today officially diagnosed with PTSD :(

Have had the worst day ever. Feel like a brick has hit me square in the face.

In 1992 I was raped, humiliated, outcast and not believed by my friends and family. Today I relived it 20 years later. A very talented Professor in Fibromyalgia found this to be one of my triggers in causing my fibro.   He took a box of broken bits and in an hour and a half had me back together.
It hit my like pow. Everything he said made sence all of a sudden.

I had never realised I hadn't dealt with the feelings about what happened.  Just marched on oblivious to the long term effects.

I don't forget any bad events and I find it hard to forgive.
I feel deeply about emotional things and take things to heart.
Always seccond guess myself and turn my guilt inwards.
Haven't found a safe place to run to and hide or escape.
Eternally hoping I can find this place/person and heal.
That I can find trust in such a broken condition.

I feel alone. Lost in a dark and frozen place. Dreaming I can hear a distant whisper in the wind, calling me home, to a place of warmth and saftey.
melissamel melissamel
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 5, 2012

I too have been coping with long ago experiences and issues that have come back to me in the form of dissassociation, night mares and physical and emotional symptoms that I face everyday. I find myself enraged by things that should not envokesuch a deep anger in me that are somehow connected to feelings I should have felt long ago but that I stuffed down inside of me. I look around me and intellectually feel that I should be happy and grateful but in reality only make me feel alone and lonely. I HATE having PTSD and I work daily to help my mind release these feelings and images that hold me back and keep me from fullfilling my lifelong dreams and enjoying all the blessing that I have been given.

I hope that you too can find the strength, love and compassion you need to heal and move forward with you life.

Bless you,

Mary

Thank You Mary,
Means a lot to know what I am going through is not unique or crazy. It is just so hard to explain to any one who hasn't experience a great misfortune or horror, just how it makes you change forever in so many ways. I think some things you just can't come back from and never really get over. Perhaps we are just too broken to mend sometimes. I do hope I can get over it one day, I really do. Mel