Ptsd? I Don't Know Anymore...

I have been in a broken home for my whole life. I'm 15, and I feel I have severe PTSD.

I've been picking my mother off of the floor, after she was running around like a loop on sleeping meds boosted with alcohol, since I was 4. One of my earliest memories was her cutting open her head against the counter (yes, she needed lots of stitches). She'd sometimes hurt me or verbally abuse me with the intent of hurting. Other days she'd tell me that I was going to hell and that demons posessed me (and meant it).

She'd sometimes attack me and tear up my room over the drugs. No drugs that were too crazy in name, but she acted very crazy on it.

She did not ever drive me to an event or activity, and I trained horses for 10 years. I got into nationals. It was a huge deal. My mom drank through it and made me look horrible. No one wanted to be around me. I got offered jobs with TOP trainers. I won placements and made it on TV> She made them fall away after promising, and promising...

At age 12, I became locked in my house. My horses were sold; the only part of my life I had was killed. The verbal abuse went out of control at this point. I went out of the house once a week to none because she wouldn't let me leave nor drive me. I had to watch my pet snakes starve because she wouldn't let me buy the rodents. I had to kill my own pet hamstera once. Everything I loved or tried just died. The pain became so unbearable that I soon became numb.

I started to fall in love with another hobbie, dog showing, but then left for a week and came back to see she had sent them all away. I was crushed. They were my new life.

So, I tried other hobbies, tried to get back into academics (I taught myself calculus)... Once again crushed down hard - my mom thought it isn't worth her time.

My mom has attacked me and tried to break my arms. And her verbal abuse is aimed to kill.

I can't get over these traumatic events. I feel so scared and helpless. Like no matter how many times I get up, I'll just get pushed down harder. My memory is so oppressed I feel like a zombie. I can't get near anything that reminds me slightly of the trauma. It hurts me to be around animals. If I see my mom, I just panic. I can't sleep, and I'm so anxious it kills me.

The worse part is no one believes me because she acts so perfect. She looked right into my eyes with a lethal state, and said how I knew that no one would believe me, and that she was such a good speaker that it would never fall through.

So, I have no help. None. Child services would not work out, I promise you.

But I'm drowning in this PTSD. Every dream is a nightmare of me fighting some war, trying to figure my way out of problems that are near impossible. I'm staying awake for 24 hours straight then sleeping 14 or sleeping 3 and awake 10.

How do you get over the pain? How do you get your emotional state back?
maratila maratila
13-15, F
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

Sounds like a tough situation. Who diagnosed this as PTSD? Why would you avoid child services? If you don't try to get into a calmer situation, you can only blame yourself.
I do not mean to sound un-kind, but you need to sometimes do things outside your comfort zone to improve your well being. I would love to hear your Mom's side of this! "Her verbal abuse is aimed to kill".....what?? In life...we seldom get our own way. You are so young and really need to fix the relationship with Mom. In a few short years you will be 18 years old and can leave, til then your parents have control.

But you see, if I wait until I'm 18, then I will be so ill prepared for life that I will be forced to live in whatever work I can find for I won't have a high school degree nor be able to get into my dream university. Also, I'm not sure where I will be in a mental state after not seeing other people on a common basis for 3 years.

When I say she aims to kill verbally, I mean she tries to emotionally belittle me to the point where I crack into nothing. She wants to me break down. That is the goal of the conversation, to cause pain because she is angry with me and that is her way of dominating me.

I cannot go to child services because they will not help. Simple as that. I am trying to get into a calmer situation, desperately, but I have no one in this world, yet I am reaching out to those who will listen.

And I understand what you must be thinking, for the average teen greatly exaggerates, but I can only tell you I am not nor do I.