Ptsd Is A Bastard

PTSD seems to rule my life. Lately all I feel is fear. Fear of the neighbors intruding, fear of my own fear, my anger, my mind never resting really, all fear and anxiety. I am overwhelmed every day of my life. I got a book called Waking the Tiger and it's sort of helpful by somebody named Levine, explaining how our nervous systems get overwhelmed and are on a state of high alert. Today I am just going to walk a little, read a little, get sunshine. I have been writing a book and feel if I slack off for one day the ******* world will cave in or something. I want to go to the city and I want a break. I want more humans to talk to. I want a real family, not the filth beast world I come from where fathers can ******* molest daughters and their selfish **** of a mother does nothing to stop it. Years of pain and agony rule my ******* mind and NOBODY understands, therapists least of all, they are more afraid of your feelings than you are, therapy is too controlled and run by the therapist's little fragile ego. So that is all there is to say. Life is all about trauma. I do find listening to music helps so I put on Beethoven's Fifth. I feel I will end up dead relatively soon if this keeps on. I never found anyone to love me b/c I could never trust a man, and now that I want to trust there is no one around. I am honest, but I am tired of flashbacks. Having little money is a trap. Life is a nasty thing, and if someone tells me to "think positive" I swear I might cold **** them. I am a tough *****, I have dealt with a lot, and nobody is going to underestimate my strength or my intelligence in this world that treats children like ******* ****. **** you, world, is how I feel today. I will keep on. WATCH ME. And **** the pedophiles and child molesters most of all.
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Dec 14, 2012