Surviving

This is kind of hard to admit to myself. I guess it would be for anyone. It's time that I stop being a victim and start being a survivor. I was raped multiple times and tortured. I repressed the memories for years, but slowly they worked their way back up to the surface. I don't have anyone to confide in, so I chose to confess to my past here. When I was 8-9 years old, my friend's older brother took me to his room and raped me while my friend was out for a few minutes. I don't know how long it went on for. When I was 9, I was gang raped by some classmates and older brothers of my classmates. When I was 12, my cousin sexually assaulted me. At 14 or 15 I was kidnapped and tossed into the back of a van where the drivers drove me to an abandoned construction site, where they repeatedly raped me. I escaped while they were arguing over how to kill/get rid of me. At some point before or after that time, I had somehow ended up in what I think was a basement. I was strapped to a metal table with surgical tools hanging over my head. A TV was in the corner of the room, playing endless videos of previous girls being tortured. Their screams never stopped. I have scars from the torture still, but I am grateful that I do not remember what he did to me. It was a miracle. When they screams became too much and my screams started to scare me, I threw myself around to get out of the straps holding me to the table. Since I wasn't wearing clothes, I became sweaty and realized I could slide out of the straps with much effort. I ran to the door to get away from the endless screams on the TV. I heard someone yell at me as I ran down a hall towards a door I had spotted at the end. I don't remember what happened after. After seeing what happened to those girls before me, I knew it was a true miracle that I escaped. When I was 17, I was attacked and raped by a stranger and became pregnant. I miscarried 2 months or so into the pregnancy. Since I first now feel memories resurfacing, I am shocked by the darkness of my past. Who do I talk to? What do I do with myself? I don't know. I hear sounds and screams still. I see shadows moving towards me out of the corner of my eye. I move away from anyone who stand in the same aisle as me in a store. I wake up and double and triple check my room for intruders multiple times a night. I needed to confess to someone else as well as myself that this has happened and that I have PTSD. And I need help. I can't dwell on the things those men did to me, because I might never know why. I can't go down the road of 'what ifs' and 'I should'ves'. That'll only destroy me. And I need to survive.
Brielle18 Brielle18
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

You need a good counselor, yeah.
You HAVE survived, now you get to heal.
...I'm glad you made it.