Ptsd I Am Glad To Know Finely What Is Wrong With Me.

I am 44 years old and just heard the word PTSD. I thought it was for someone who was in the Services not Me. But when the Doctor told me What it was. It was like opening a window and letting air in. I am not Crazy.
I came from Years of Abuse. The first I remember was When I was 6 years old. and it did not stop till the day before we left my Dad. He knocked me down and was stomping me in the head I was 17. Years of getting hit with what ever My Father had in his hand or was the quickest to get a hold of, Years of Hearing that I was Fat , ugly and stupid "not enough since to go to the road". Year of walking on egg shells and always breaking them. So what did I do. I went strait from My Father to a Man who Loved me so much he had to punish me. I could never do anything right. He hit me, threatened to kill me, took me up on a mountain and was going to cut my throat and leave me there for the animals. So I left that and ran to West Palm Beach and found a C who was not as bad a R. C was never happy with how I did anything I could not cook right, could not clean house right, I was dumb, The hitting started the first week. I stayed with C for 13 Years. We had a Baby Girl. Of course in his site I was not a good Mom. But that was the one thing that gave me courage to leave when she was 3. So I put on a smile and pretended I was ok. Tried to hide the things and pretend they did not happen. I met a My Hubby John. and Live changed. Or I pretended I put on a smile and became a good Wife and Mother. My Hubby John is the best he always tells me how smart I am and how pretty I am. I should be Happy with that but It is like it bounces off a heart that is made of stone. I am just waiting after 14 years of him to come home and say awful things and beat me up. I know in my heart it will not happen but my mind always says something is going to happen. Dad , C, and R are passed but they seem to keep coming into my life Daily. So I went for help. I want to be happy, I want to hear the door slam and not jump out of my skin, I want to here you are smart and pretty and believe it. So in comes PTSD
Now it has a name I can work on it. I am praying there is a way to soften my heart and mind. I but I will save that for group. I am glad I found this group.
RachelLeeT RachelLeeT
41-45, F
Jan 23, 2013