It has been about four months since my boyfriend of one year committed suicide in front of me. It started in the morning he had already started drinking. I went to work at 12 and he came up to my work and was drunk I had to ask him to go home because he couldn't be at my work drunk. He went home and I was thinking about him throughout the entire day. He came to my work to pick me up and we walked to the gas station to get a six pack for the night. He accidentally hit my arm and he felt so bad he tried to split his throat. I stopped him and calmed him down. We went inside got the beer then walked to his apartment. We went upstairs when we got there and cracked open some beers. He started talking about my family (did not like them at all). And I said I didn't want to talk about my family because I knew it would start a fight. He got angry because I said that he started yelling at me saying how could you stick up for them when they treat me like crap. I started crying and ran into the closet trying to find some shoes to go on a walk. He followed me, pushed me on the ground and started ripping my clothes out of the closet and throwing them at me. I got out of the closet and ran to the bathroom and locked the door crying in the bathtub he broke open the door and yelled in my face saying that the fight was all my fault. I couldnt stop crying he went into the bedroom and paced the floor I climbed out of the bathtub and was kneeling on the floor he put the barrel of a .22 rifle to the back of my head and said "if I kill you, you will go to heaven and I will go to hell for suicide." I begged him crying and so scared. I sat in a chair trying to calm down and all I heard was "this is reality" and then bang he shot himself in the temple and landed at my feet. I was in shock I ran down the stairs and went to the neighbors house barely able to tell her to call 911. To this day I feel empty. I don't really feel as happy as I used to be. I feel like I can't talk to my parents or anyone in my family because they just don't know how to talk to me. I have thought about suicide every single day. I drink every day and I smoke pot constantly. I still have nightmares every single day I've lost 45lbs in a month. I couldn't eat for two weeks after he passed away
kathytrip kathytrip
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

I have lost a lot of weight also up and down all the time and I take prescription pills just to numb myself. I got beat on a lot and am currently in a bad relationship idk what's worse the beating or belittling.

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry :( you are stronger than you think Hun you are so much better than me because I don't think I would have made it as far as you did. I've been suicidal also I still do think about it so I know how you feel on that aspect of it but wow you are a strong individual you just don't know it yet but you truly are.

thank you so much, ive just been through so much throughout my entire life. and that was the worst thing that couldve happened to me. i just loved him so much. and thank you for saying that im strong. i dont feel like it sometimes. ive been suicidal pretty much my whole life. my grandmother thinks that i cover it with how happy i seem all the time
but thank you so much if you wanna talk you can message me

Im the exact same way I've been suicidal most of my life also it's horrible and most ppl in my family think it's something you can snap out of or it's like being sad. Little do they know that something very deep down inside that's so awful that makes you feel like taking your own life. Ppl don't understand me or even wanna attempt to and I feel by myself in it all the time. And you are very welcome :-) you can add me to your circle if you want and I'll do the same. I'm new here so it's very nice to meet you :-D

Very nice to meet you too. My parents always thought that I was just wanting attention I've felt like a black sheep in my family for most of my life. If you absolutely need someone to talk to I'm always here :)