Looking Into Recovery From Ptsd

I am now 49 years old, almost 50 this month I guess. When I was a youth in western Colorado my parents, who had adopted me at birth, divorced when I was about 11. During that confusing time my mother, not knowing what she was doing, made me spend time with a catholic priest who sexually abused me. The confusion and drug abuse that followed ended me up in a confrontational therapy situation at an experimental drug program at the State Hospital. It has taken me all of these years to finally nail down that I have been struggling with symptoms of PTSD from these experiences, particularly the drug rehab, and I am now working specifically to address the situation. I managed to raise 2 kids of my own and 4 step kids. They are all relatively successful - they did a lot better than I - and now my youngest is 16 and pretty much doing his own thing. I am a musician, writer and I have had a real estate license for over 20 years now. I never fit into the real estate thing very well and am not very active that way anymore. I am however, a working musician and song writer. We've had some decent success at it locally. The problem is that I spent 21 years sober in AA and in the last year realized that, being in AA,  I had been somewhat caught in another cult-like situation which I have come to believe I was vulnerable to as a result of my earlier experiences in the catholic church, sex abuse, mind control in the drug program and generally just being young. I worked the steps diligently for years and was a very dedicated member. I am confident that my dissatisfaction was not due to lack of effort or committment. I didn't drink for 21 years! Furthermore, I spent over 10 years in therapy off and on. As I began to realize that I needed to change something I determined to attempt a very conscious and controlled experiment and returned to drinking alcohol. It has been over 6 months now and I am convinced, as I suspected, that I am not alcoholic. I think there might be such a thing, but at the least, I can say that I no longer behave like one. Who knows? Anyway, what happened as I got back into alcohol is I discovered that the booze enabled me to put down unconscious defenses enough that I began to remember and understand why I feel like I do and have discovered this long-term PTSD. Therapists in the past had brought it up as likely but I couldn't really see it myself at the time. So, here I am and I am researching the issues and looking for others who might relate to this. I am particularly interested in hearing from others who may have discovered or suspected that the "treatment game" in many cases is just that, a game. I know a lot of AA and abstinence people will be skeptical, as was I for many years, but I have made a committment to true personal responsibility and I am totally willing to accept the consequences. I am done living according to other's theories and will be living a truly authentic life from here on out. I would like to learn more about what I have come to know as "floating." I have recurring thoughts of failure and self-loathing that I have come to call my demons, that I can now tell are nothing more than an old tape and are not mine. They are however, vivid and convincing and it takes quite a bit of force and focus to overcome them. I had all of that going before I resumed drinking and can now tell that alcohol had very little to do with my situation all along. I abused it seriously as a kid and brought on all the booze B.S. that can be expected but that is no longer the case and the depression and floating stuff remains just like it was 22 years ago. If anyone wants to correspond about this, have at it!

pdaddy59 pdaddy59
Mar 6, 2009