I Was Just Diagnosed With Ptsd

Oh man, how should I begin this. I'm a nineteen year old guy whos an open major at college, and I had a horrible childhood, my mother was neglectful and my father was abusive. I feel like my entire life I've been anxious, but it wasn't until I left for college last year that my troubles started getting the better of me. I began having flashbacks, though at the time I thought they were more like very alive daydreams, that would make me so ******* anxious. I didn't start seeing a therapist until recently, and soon after I was diagnosed. Its hard for me to go to classes and even focus on school, it always seems like PTSD is taking me over, like no one understands me. Tomorrow I'm talking to my advisor about taking this semester off and beginning again next year until I can get my mental state figured out.

It feels like anxiety can hit me at anytime, like I have absolutely no control. I have horrible thoughts when I'm alone.

 

Oh wow, my mom just called me, and I went off on that *****. Shes the one who let my dad do all those things to me. While he would beat the ******* **** outta me she would just turn up the music and pretend nothing was happening. I always had to explain black eyes and bruises to elementary school teachers. I would beg her to divorce him, and she would act like NOTHING was happening. I'm so tired of this. I think I'm gonna check myself into a psych ward. I have suicidal thoughts constantly. I'm so close to the edge, and I feel like no one gets it. Like no one understands me, or what goes on inside my head. All the disturbing thoughts and memories. Thats why I'm leaving this, thats why I made an account on this website. I dont want to feel like I'm alone. But I do feel so alone. I ******* hate my dad. I have dreams of murdering my family. My mom may have rarely hit me but she didnt do anything when my dad did. Its like all these memories are coming back to haunt me. They never leave me alone.

 

I just want to get better.

Jgillard Jgillard
18-21, M
2 Responses Feb 11, 2010

People DO become well again, in time. If you've been diagnosed with PTSD (which seems highly likely), then please do not allow your consultant (counsellor) to use the CBT program, which could exacerbate your problems. The best program to use is NLP. Ask any veteran who has had PTSD and he'll tell you the same. CBT is NO GOOD, and can make you worse. Hope this helps.

Wow, I'm really sorry all that happened..... Some people really deserve to be murdered; unfortunately that would mean you might go to jail (okay, not so great of a time to joke). It's totally normal to feel alone, because you basically are, in that no one can really understand what it's like to go through something like that unless they've been through it personally. <br />
And memories like that are horrible; overplayed movies that you can't just get up and press the power button. I don't know if anything ever gets better, but I feel like we are a little in the same boat, I've lived in home after home... hopefully it does, or else we're both destined to be prisoners of our past.