My Boyfriend Killed Himself In Front Of Me.
I just joined this group, so I'm not sure what it's really all about...
I guess this is the part where I share my story, so here goes...
Two years ago when i was 16, my boyfriend shot himself in front of me. We had been dating on/off for about two and a half years. We were both coming down from an ecstasy binge, but we had both done it once before so I thought he'd be alright at home while I went to work. He had sex with one of his gay friends while being high (he never claimed to be bisexual) and I'm guessing felt really, really disgusted with himself once he came out of his feel-good trance.
I was worried about him, though, and so I kept calling him from work to see if he was okay. Then he told me he had a gun, and to make a long story short, I drove to his house, tried to talk him out of it for about 30 minutes, until he said "Goodbye Julia", and shot himself in the head with his dad's rifle.
I haven't been the same since, even though I guess I'm a lot better than i used to be.
It's made me question everything: God, Heaven and Hell, love, reality...
Actually I don't really believe in any of those things any more.
Things that happened since then: I lost 20 pounds in two months-- a lot for my size... I went on a hydrocodone/xanex/pot binge for about a year, started experimenting with methadone, speed, coke, and others, even though I wasn't that big into drugs before. I attempted suicide a couple of times but never went through and was sent to a mental hospital for two weeks. I haven't been able to get a steady job, I'm bulimic, I sleep around a lot,and I've also started stealing from stores excessively. It's hard to know how all- or any- of this could have happened just because someone died.
I've tried therapy, pills, nothing works.
Well now I'm in college and currently jobless, moneyless, and I know someday I'll have to get out on my own and out my grandparents house... but I have no motivation to try anymore. Something inside of me died that day. The only emotion that seems real to me is sadness. I don't remember who I used to be anymore, because I can't remember feeling anything but this...
I can't even express in words how ****** up it is to have something like that happen. How it ruins every single aspect of your life, how it ruins you inside. Everything you thought you once knew, you don't anymore. Your whole previous reality, past and future, is shattered.
You'd think maybe having an experience like that might change you for the better. Maybe realize how precious life is or something to that. I've waited long enough to know that it doesn't. I don't really give a **** about cliche's: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
I call bullshit.
Thing about life is, it's breaks you and breaks you until you're dead inside.