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My Boyfriend Killed Himself In Front Of Me.

I just joined this group, so I'm not sure what it's really all about...

I guess  this is the part where I share my story, so here goes...



Two years ago when i was 16, my boyfriend shot himself in front of me. We had been dating on/off for about two and a half years. We were both coming down from an ecstasy binge, but we had both done it once before so I thought he'd be alright at home while I went to work. He had sex with one of his gay friends while being high (he never claimed to be bisexual) and I'm guessing felt really, really disgusted with himself once he came out of his feel-good trance.

I was worried about him, though, and so I kept calling him from work to see if he was okay. Then he told me he had a gun, and to make a long story short, I drove to his house, tried to talk him out of it for about 30 minutes, until he said "Goodbye Julia", and shot himself in the head with his dad's rifle.

I haven't been the same since, even though I guess I'm a lot better than i used to be.

It's made me question everything: God, Heaven and Hell, love, reality...

Actually I don't really believe in any of those things any more.

Things that happened since then: I lost 20 pounds in two months-- a lot for my size... I went on a hydrocodone/xanex/pot binge for about a year, started experimenting with methadone, speed, coke, and others, even though I wasn't that big into drugs before. I attempted suicide a couple of times but never went through and was sent to a mental hospital for two weeks. I haven't been able to get a steady job, I'm bulimic, I sleep around a lot,and I've also started stealing from stores excessively. It's hard to know how all- or any- of this could have happened just because someone died.

I've tried therapy, pills, nothing works.

Well now I'm in college and currently jobless, moneyless, and I know someday I'll have to get out on my own and out my grandparents house... but I have no motivation to try anymore. Something inside of me died that day. The only emotion that seems real to me is sadness. I don't remember who I used to be anymore, because I can't remember feeling anything but this...
I can't even express in words how ****** up it is to have something like that happen. How it ruins every single aspect of your life, how it ruins you inside. Everything you thought you once knew, you don't anymore. Your whole previous reality, past and future, is shattered.

You'd think maybe having an experience like that might change you for the better. Maybe realize how precious life is or something to that. I've waited long enough to know that it doesn't. I don't really give a **** about cliche's: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
I call bullshit.
 Thing about life is, it's breaks you and breaks you until you're dead inside.

Follow up 12/21/13: I wasn't sure how to go about doing a follow up, but decided to go ahead and make a series of YouTube videos with me reading the (very intimate) journals I had written in the past in order to 1) let my watchers know how far down I was vs how I am doing now, and 2) show people how hope can still exist even after you have long stopped believing in it. I am doing really good and have been for about a year and half now. I no longer think of suicide, and rarely experience the flashbacks or nightmares that haunted me for years. Thank you to everyone who supported me through this, and even though I kept silent for a few years I still came back to read the comments from time to time. It was you guys who made me know I was not alone, and now I want to pass that on. Here is my YouTube link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6SBWgQVc6_o&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D6SBWgQVc6_o
jayk09 jayk09 18-21, F 58 Responses Feb 14, 2010

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you think god isnt real

;( I feel like foing the same thing but i know how ****** up it would be I've had like depersonalization for about 6 months i feel like no one gets it and it hurts mad bad to not know how to feel anymore I just want to kill myself because all this made me lost her

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Wow, your story has effected thousands. Reading it brought me to tears to imagine what you have been through, and even accomplished within yourself. Very brave for digging deep, and writing this. Thank you, for sharing your story with me and all of the other people. We aren't alone in the world, there are many like us out there who have been through tradgety.

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Hi there. I'm curious as to how you are doing now? I am a mental health therapist. One of my specialties is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This is THE THERAPY you need!!! Find a therapist immediately if you have not done this form of therapy before. Research it to learn more. It is amazing and hands down the BEST therapy out there for any form of PTSD! Please, please, please find a therapist in your area who is trained in this therapeutic approach! Please! It will save your life. I wish you the best of luck, and I know that you will be forever thankful for this if you follow through with this. Please hang in there and find an EMDR therapist right away! God Bless you kiddo, and grow from this experience. You are alive for a reason.

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I know it's been a while since this post but I've enjoyed relating these stories. It's been 17 years for me- my high school sweetheart, the one I lost my virginity too, we dated a year -prom was coming around - we were going to go- something happened as teenagers do- he kissed another girl. ... I broke up with him. He threatened that he would run his car into a tree full speed if I were to break up with him. I didn't believe he would do it. Some brief time lapsed, he sent me flowers, cards etc- I didn't respond. The report and cops said he lost control of car and ran into a tree. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone but I think the family knew. The 1st arguement we had, he spent an hour in his grandpas bathroom with a. Shotgun. His family had to talk him out. To this day, I've always had trouble breaking up with people. I believe maybe even now I'm in a marriage that is way overdue. Fear.

My boyfriend shot himself to we had sex and the next day he shot himself I tried to talk to him but he would not listen he said bye and since then I have never had sex agian

On 3/3/13 My friend took his own life in front of me with a rifle, with no warning. He said "what if I do something crazy like this?" & pulled the trigger. . . I saw everything. Now, almost a yr later. . Im haunted every waking second by it. Weird I can still smell gun smoke & blood. I quit drinking & weed helps, somewhat. Like you said. Ive lost myself. . Im also a chef & cooking isnt the same. Really, I want to know how I can deal with the flashbacks. I hate feeling like this.

i kinda know what ur going threw last year i was in an auto accent that took the life of my girlfriend the other driver was on my white line when i turned into her lane to try and avoid it he car ran over my pass side of my car and killed my girlfriend. i dream about it every night all i can remember is looking at her and telling her i love her and holding her hand while i watch the blood run out of her mouth as she gasped of air before she died.i have now been out of work since sept 22 of last year and i am loosing a little bit more than 2k a month in income and starting to lose everything i had. i dont feel like getting out of bed but i have to because i have a 2 year old son who turns 3 in feb. i am hopeless of finding another job at the moment and i dont intent on ever finding someone to replace her.i sustained a major head injury and could not remember anything from the last 2 years for about a week not even my own son now i remember most things except for that week other than watching her die not even the crash itself im very depressed and i wish every day i could have taken her place or gone with her in death but i know that will never happen no matter how bad i want it to because it already happened and im still here so some strange reason unknown to me. the thing that Pi**'s me off the most is that she has yet to be indited or go to jail she still works at my local lowes and im stuck without a job, without the love of my life dispresed everyday and she is at work like nothing ever happened why is life so F**ked up i'll never know.

i witnessed my roommate commit suicide on Thursday. i couldn't find very many other people online that have experienced the same thing.

Hey, this is Julia. You can also type in 91Jaymc on Youtube and you will find all of the posts, including one on my perspective on "getting over" grief and how I feel about it then vs. now.

Love you honey. I went through a similar experience in 1999 with the love of my life who I'd been with for half of my life and had two children with. You do the right things and the right things will happen for you, unimaginable things, I promise. Pick up two cheapo thank you cards and send them to someone, you have to really try, go to the Dr. for bloodwork, I felt like you and when I finally wen tto the Dr. (after 10 years!!!
) turned out my iron was 5 our of two hundred and something, I felt better after getting that fixed, for some reason you are meant to be here, you are loved, wash up and take yourself to al anon or a church service, look outside yourself and keep helping others like you have been, you are such a kind soul I can tell, you are here for a very good reason, this life is so short, like a snap of your fingers, give it all you've got, you were not placed here for him, you were you before that happened, rememeber who you were before you ever met him. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, so very sorry, I know how you feel and I know you are going to have much, much better days ahead, better and more amazing than you have ever dreamed, you ar worthy of a good life.

Hey Iam Maha nd iam 17... just wanted to share my story here. I was 15 years old when i came in relationship with my cousin , he was 2 months younger then me,,,, first it was crush but m sure then it turned into Love... his mother use to hate me because she thought that I keep distracting him from his studies and Iam ruining his career..I just became mentally tensed when he use to tell me that his mother use to abuse me badly at home... I din't use to show him but i knew what I went through when he used to tell me this.. even my Bf got mentally depressed by all the **** his mother use to say about me... it kept hurting me and him from inside, his parents were against me but he was the only one taking my side in his home as it was a big thing for a guy whose just 16 and turned 17 later onwards.. but this kept on happening... i got mentally frustated and it badly effected my Final papers .... when I Was depressed and he din't use to give me his time due to his home fights and issues. I don't know what happened to me and due to this depression of mine i Got involved in another guy oF my high school ..i don't Know how or why did i do that but I Sort of tried to involve myself in him and it worked for a little while and I started cheating on my real Bf, but after two and a half months, I realized i couldn't live without my Old boyfriend :( but when i tried to tell him of what I've been doing behind his back... he already found it out... the jerk with whom i was involved, had already told my boyfriend about what i did ;( My boyfriend , my real love found out before i was going to tell him .. and now he hates me as hell ... I've Lost all my respect in his eyes and i can never regain it back..i can't tell him how sorry Iam... it kills me each day thinking about it.... And now he says that his family was right about me... hearing this feels that sum1 stabbed me in the heart . I Know its all my fault but i torture myself each day ... I've started smoking, i keep on doing cuts on my hand, though all these things hurt but they don't hurt me as much as what i did with my Love... Iam very sorry , I really am very sorry .. he hates me... and i lost my true love due to my stupidness.. i wanted his attention and due to that i made a mistake involving in sum1 else..... it hurts me badly when i think of what i did to him... every single day and every moment i keep on crying, i hide myself from others or else they would think that Iam getting crazy day by day ... i Apologized from God... i hope he and his guy would forgive me... I Love him so much ... and i guess I won't be able to love any guy in my life ever again ... i lost the guy who use to trust me and Love me alot... people like him r hard to find.. i really deserved what he said and did to me... but iam very sorry... i guess torturing and killing myself each day would be nice. what a fool i was !!

There are people with real problems here. The only problem I see you have is the fact your sick in the head! Who ***** their own cousin? Noone gives a damn your a nasty *****. Get a life & get some help.

It's been 7 yers now since my fianccee killed herself. It did got better over that time in certain ways but not as much as you would hope.
Please, post an update if you can. We all would like to see how you are doing.

Wow, that must be hard. I'm sorry to hear that :\

I understand your story, fully. I do. But know, you cannot let the evils that plauged your boyfriend enter your life. You have to know you have a purpose, and your purpose has not been fulfilled. Don't go down that destructive path. You have to be strong - You boyfriend knows where your heart was that night, and he cared... but he probably just felt as if, He couldn't do it anymore.

It's really hard... to be the same after this. It's only been about 1 1/2 weeks for me. But you know. I feel like... whats supposed to happen will happen. It's starting to bother me that ... my moods are up and down so bad. and that I've been drinking a lot more, but I will not let this get the best of me, as it did my love. I can't, you can't. BE STRONG!

Hello, fellow suicide survivor.
I am much older than you are. My story is I was engaged to a wonderful man full of life and a hidden secret. He had Multiple Sclerosis and Seizures. He was a successful engineer when we met. He did not tell me about his illness until we were three mos. into the relationship.
His pain got worse and seizures more frequent. Back and forth to hospitals etc. He started drinking real heavy, and brought him to AA. together. I loved his so much and we were engaged. I was determined to help him lead a life of less pain and some happiness.
One night he had a terrible seizure and came out violent. I had a call into 911 for a medical emergency. Well the Ambulance comes first and he retaliated and they ended up calling 7 police cars. My poor fiancé was in a post seizure phase and police officers treated him like an abusive criminal. They taizered him 6 times. I kept screaming he has MS stop...a police officer reprimanded me to get into the house.
They put him in jail instead for resisting arrest???? WTF. He lost his sight 3 weeks later got depressed lost control of his bladder etc. They permanently damaged him.

While I was cleaning up after dinner one night he got a shot gun came to me and put the rifle to my chest hard 5 times ...5 bruises I still feel. He stated with glazed eyes. He was going to kill me first. kill the dog and then himself. I pleaded with him not to and mentioned my children s names he stopped pointing at me and shot himself and blew his head off in front of me.

I went into shock, put into a hospital for observation and released. I found comfort with my 92 year old grandma. Did not see my children for a while went to a group therapy outpatient group. Returned to my faith.

It took 2 years for me to back to work, I am now An Associated Director Of Admissions or a college, helping people improve themselves everyday. I come across many student who want to commit suicide or have also gone through what you have. Hang in there everyone, it seems dark for a long time. It is not ever ever your fault, there temporary insanity took the best of them and us. We are Survivors of Suicide. We are a group no one would ever understand, unless they went through it. Stand close to me and one another and we will help the next victims. Help me help them.

Love to all of you, let s get through this... Savannah

hey My name is Maha...u really r a STRONG WOMEN.... loved what u said and supported above, please could u tell me what should i do... my post is above with the name ''Maha17'' please read it and tell me what shoul i do? i've tried everything to forget him but it doesn't work thought its all my fault not his. Iam such a ***** on what i did to him and iam very guilty but i've only loved him, bt the other was just an attraction ;( . tell me what to do. Iam just 17

I get how your feeling tonight my boyfriend tried to kill himself right in front of me reading your story is making me break down in tears bcuz I'm so scared to lose him see I have a bad anger problem n I can't control it I'm also very jealous wen I never used to be n since I never see him I try to be controlling n so bcuz of all tht it makes me accidentally treat him kind of ****** but I still love n care about him n want to marry him. But I'm so scared bcuz he said next time I treat him like tht he's not gonna even listen to me he's just gonna take the sword he has n kill himself. He even told me tonight tht I might want to look away bcuz it'll get bloody. He's my soulmate n if he killed himself I cud never love another I wudnt b myself anymore I'm a happy kind of girl who's very sensitive but loving n caring. So if I was to lose him all I'd ever b is sad n depressed I wudnt eat or drink my grades in school wud drop all I'd even do is sleep so I wudnt feel pain. So I told him I'd do anything just a long as he didn't kill himself. So now he's basically pulling me around now making me do things telling me this n tht so I told him I'd hide my feelings n cut myself n hurt myself but he told me not to but I might still. Thing is ik ill end up screwing things up again soon n I won't have him anymore. So now im just scared so ik what ur going through this was the third time this has happens in the last week!

I lost my boyfriend 11 years ago he hung himself out the back of my 3 year old daughters window and left me a suicide note blaming me. I was 21. I've never been the same either. Since then I've really struggled with depression and drugs and a lot of shame and guilt. I can relate to how you feel. I'm now in pysco therapy, trying to make scence of my traumatic past, I have been on the mend, conquering drugs, I'm now married to a great guy and went on to have 4 kids. We bought our own house and paid off our debts. I still can't hold a job and I still feel a lot if shame because of how he died and that his friends all blamed me. I still live in the same community and have often thought of moving away and starting fresh but this is where I grew up and now I just think **** them all I have every right to be here. It's a constant struggle but I'm making progress, slowly . I hope you get through xoxo

I am so sorry for what you have gone through - maybe Kristen can help you - http://www.reachingyouministries.com/. She had 3 very close friends die and then was raped, she tried to commit suicide by putting herself under a train - she didn't die but her legs were cut off. Years later she found hope and meaning in life, she is now 29 and married with a baby boy. She is a sign that things can change and get better - keep going!

Thank you for sharing you put into words everything I've been feeling since my ex boyfriends suicide. It's good to know im not alone. U really helped me

I feel really sorry for you...I don't really know what to say :/

My fiance (well ex but we had only been broken up less that two months and were still very close and in everyday contact) killed himself nearly 2 years ago. I have been on a massive roller coaster since then and find that just when I feel I'm doing better, I have a dream or something else triggers off all those feelings again and I just wish I was with him, I wish I wasn't alive anymore. I did come close to attempting suicide after his death but couldn't go through with it but no one around me can understand how it still feels. It's like part of me is moving forward but the other part of me (feels more like the real me) is stuck in the past and belongs with him. I also feel like it was my fault he did what he did and I could have prevented it although I also know that I did save him from other attempts when we were still together. He is my soulmate and now I've lost him and I just feel lost too. It's a truly dreadful feeling. I do think and have had signs of there being more to things that just this life but although that can be comforting at times, sometimes it just confuses me and I wish I knew for sure. Some days/weeks are definitely better than others but you're right it does change you in every single way and no one can get it unless they've been through it, it's like a bomb going off but all the scars are mental, it shatters everything and you're left with massive scars and pain that will get better but never totally heal. I didn't see it happen in front of me, I can imagine that that would bring it to even another level of difficulty to handle. There's much more I could say but I just wanted to write as I can empathize on some level, at least from the perspective of my own personal experience. You're so young and none deserves to go through something like that. I truly hope you are doing better and have been able to move forward with your life.

Thx for sharing I thought I was the only one feeling this way

He wanted me to go pick up pot for him.. he couldn't wouldn't be happy in the least with out the weed .. i agree to get it for him as he sent me out to look for deals in new city's we lived in, i was gone too long on the pick up he was vexed when i got home and accused me of cheating on him while i was out as he cut up the session and smoked and bong, we argued furiously over the accusations , UNTILL SUDDENLY .................
HE GRABED A HUGE KITCHEN KNIFE AND PLUNGED IT DEEP IN HIS NECK immediatly after the verbal threat of doing so !!!!! WE HAD A SLEEPING BABY IN THE CRIB I RAN TO ALL THE NEIBORS ON OUR STREET AND KICKED THE DOORS IN A MAJOR PANIC WHEN I CAME BACK TO THE HOUSE HE WAS GONE BUT POLICE CAME AND TOOK THE STATEMENT S SO I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO SUPPORT HIM THROUGH HIS HARD TIME AND ASKED HIM SHOULD I CALL HIS FAMILY HE SAID NO HE WOULD RATHER JUST TAKE SOME TIME WITH IT and THEM.. SO i tried to support his every want and need in that and more after the action in fear ...his wound was HUGE with ALOT OF STAPLES a CONSTANT REMINDER EVEN YEARS after the physical wounds healed..
we Brushed it under the rug so to speak enough to carry on for YEARS 18 more even though i negged him to talk about his feelings and reasons with a professional .. we went through a long relationship after that of control and entrapment it seemed like eveything he could control me with he would to the fullest money my children promises , we fault over MAJOR MANIPULATION AND PRECEPTION OVER THE SUICIDE ATTEMP THE GOSSIP WAS GETTING BACK TO ME THAT HE IMPLIED TO OTHERS THAT I DID IT AS IF I TRIED TO MURDER HIM I INSISTED THAT WE GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT GOSSIP WITH THE MANIPULATIONS OF CONTEXT/FACTS , AS WELL AS OTHERS BUT INSTEAD WE FAULT ON AND OFF AND THAT REFLECTED IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH LACK OF COMMITMENT AND MANY OTHER AVOIDING EXPLAINIONS TO MANY OTHER FOULS & FACTORS ON HIS BEHALF. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND TRYS TO KILL HIMSELF IN FRONT OF YOU LIKE SERIOUSLY NOT JUST A CRY FOR HELP DUMP HIM ON THE SPOT OR SUFFER A LONG ROAD OF CONFUSION MANIPULATION AND PTSD LIKE I DID AS MUCH AS YOU MAY LOVE HIM LOVE YOURSELF MORE ! NO ONE DESERVES TO BE MANIPULATED AND CONTROLLED!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT A WOMAN! .. .

threats of harming animals is another SURE sign ladies BTW

in the end everytime we broke up he was dumping me over the insisting on facing truth with the gossip and other violations with out a resolution kept telling me to find someone else but when i did he kept begging for another chance so we have nearly 18 yr old a 14 yr old and a nother baby she is only 2 this time we broke up and i refuse to get in ANY relationship what so ever untill its really processed AND OVER IN COURT :) in fear of the relapsing cycle.. its very manic and confusing to be in it .. this time i just keep confronting the issue persistantly and quite assertive , That works well with adapting to the boundries finally as well as keep him far away from wanting to "talk" lead'n in to a relapse of false kiss and make up KEEP CONFRONTING its a KEY FOR ME about it as he doesn't have the bravery or capacity to face that problem and/or other serious ones i take concern with.. if someone is.n't ready to face truth be honest and come to terms resolutions that revolve around honest facts if they insist on living a manipulation they are worth a damned relationship and are a risk in all regards.. mentally unstable much aggravation & stress is caused enough to make you yourself unstable SO BEWARE AND CAREFUL .. i now work and focus on family violence and violence against woman as suicide attempts are very scary and violent for woman and the whole family..

other creepy things would include driving super fast when kids are in the car or even just the woman and refusing to slow down only speed up after requests ..

I am so sorry. It's been two years since you posted this story. Are you still in school? Have you got a job? Please let us know how you're getting along. We're all cheering for you. The Earth is cruel, but something we all love to see is the human triumph over fate, whether or not it's deserved or perfect or real. About not believing in reality and stuff...and that heavy sadness...I understand how you feel. That kind of pain that does not yet have a name...the closest word we know is "death." Maybe that feeling will never go away. Probably, at least, for the next 50 years. But maybe it will get quieter. Please make goals. Please find something to love.

I know exactly how you feel and most everything you did after so did I. I feel like my life will never be the same again. PTSD has cost me practically everything. My family couldn't handle me at all and just abandoned me. I don't believe in a god anymore coz how could a loving god allow me to find the woman I was in love with in a pond in her car drowned and then my family left me to grieve alone. It's one minute at a time now, screw day by day.

To be honest it wil never get better for us. I feel so empty and lonely without my kids father here, we had major ups and downs but we was never going to give up on are family. He was only 20 years old he was just killed on 1/5/13. I'm devasted we just had are Son on 12/22/12. We was so excited we had the perfect family a boy and girl. Now I feel like I have nothing. Yea it's easy for everyone say be strong for your babies which Iam. But they will never understand or care about the situation like I do. Kingsley was my world. When his murder killed him he killed me too. Imagine having your 11 month old saying Da Da all day. Her birthday was coming up 2/3/13. And he won't even be here Amelia was his princess. I know how you could be upset with God because I was too. And I pray he forgives me. However we still have to ace judgement day. So we have to keep living right. But God knows are heart Nd are pain, this is just too much for me. I know it's too much for u the way you seem, sounds exactly like me. I feel so empty and lonely. Idk what I'm going to do. I'm just ready for God to come save me and my kids from this living hell

I'm sorry that that happened to you. It probably had to do with others things other than just sleeping with another guy.

I had an experience were a bf called me on the phone hysterical and carrying on about this and that, and I could hear him throwing and breaking stuff at his apartment. He kept talking and talking, and his voice was getting weaker. He'd cut himself by punching glass, or whatever it was. I called 911 and gave them his address, then called him back. I soon heard the EMTs over there saying that he needed to go to the hospital cuz of all the blood loss.

I saved that psycho guy from bleeding to death, but guess what, he's the one that caused me to have ptsd and anxiety cuz of all of his violent bs. Just can't win no matter what ya do...

Try to keep your head up sweetheart. I know it's hard. :-/

7months ago my daughter shot her self in the head in front of me, she was my only child. suicide is the most destructive of deaths and the loved ones left behind are destroyed. in our case we also have to live with what we had to see, serious life changing trauma. dont expect to ever be the person you was before, yur life is forever changed now. find the positive aspact of why god and yur boyfriend had you there. you was the one he felt it important to be with him. also understand that no one that takes their own life are in their right mind when they choose this, its usually not an all of a sudden choice, most likely theyve wanted to do this for a long time. pleas know...... everyone has a day and way and it was supposed to happen or it wouldnt have. theres nothing no one could say or do to change it. what ifs, if i had of, i wish..... dont do it, it will only destroy you. he made a choice about his life that was out of anyones control. dont drink, take pills or drugs they will only darken yur world and confuse you more. iv never takin anything in my life, when my daughter died thats the first thing everyone tried to do, i knew there was no pill gonna help me....... only god could, he exist sweetie so pray and pray, stay positive. dont expect people to understand how you feel, they cant begin to wrap their mind around what has happened to you. you can survive this:-)

My ex boyfriend threatened to kill himself and blame me publicly for it... I wish he did because it would have saved me a year of torture and total humiliation. Think of it - your druggie boyfriend didn't love you - he was gay and self-hating and you caught him in the act (thought absolutely nothing wrong with being gay... Unless you're raised a homophobe and have sex with a bunh of guys.) He could have gone on a killing spree with that rifle so thank your lucky stars you're done with that nonsense. Do you thonk he loved you if he allowed you to see something so disturbing? No, he's a selfish tool who used your love as a crutch and contributed absolutely nothing to your life. As for the drugs- you need to stop because you'll turn into a drugged out loser who needs to threaten suicide to get attention instead of setting life goals and accomplishing them.

I am 65 and watched my fiancé die in an auto accident. Age has nothing to do with trauma - it's devastating for all ages. Luckily I was diagnosed with PTSD and received a new kind of therapy - EMDR (eye movement disassociation reorganization). It sounds bizarre, but it's approved by the Veterans Admin for soldiers returning from combat and is approved by most insurance companies. Be sure to get someone who is trained and certified in this technique. There are some professional associations on the web which are good resources. It really does help - the drugs won't. You have a lot of life to live - please give yourself the best shot possible.

FAITH. What you have experienced is terrible but the bottom line is only YOU have the power to choose where you end up in life and how rewarding it will be. Having faith in yourself and all that you do is where it lays. Grow up and be the beautiful successful woman you can be. God Bless and Step up And start living Life.

My girlfriend was hit on the hwy after we were out drinking for her bday. She got hit by a drunk driver and I pulled her body out of the hwy before the 3rd car could hit her. I remember her face and leg being gone. I don't know how you get over anything like this ever it haunts me everyday and it's been 3 years now.

I also saw my boyfriend kill himself and he also used a gun. A lot of the stuff u feel i also feel. The last statment u made i dunno if it is true but it sure does feel like it.

i'm sorry

I was born and my mom died in childbirth. My dad was the only person I had. When I was 11 he said he missed my mom. I asked him can you tell me about mom. He told me she had red hair and freckels like me. She was tall and they have been best friends all their life. Then he said go get the phone. I said why. He said go get it now and I want you to know I love you. I went to get the phone came back and he said Im going to be with your mother now. His last words were I love you. Then he shot himself in the head. I remember falling to the ground screaming saying daddy come back please. I remember calling 911 saying my daddy just shot himself in front of me. I was sent to child care services . I the word I love you still haunts me.

Kk426, I am 18 years into my father killing himself in front of me, my pregnant sister,grandma and mother. My grandmother passed last year..and I have no relationship with my mother or sister. I was so angry for years..I pushed everyone away. I hope that one day god or whomever you believe in sends you an angel. God sent mine 3 yrs later and we had a child a year later. I used to think the only person you can count on is you. And it took me a long to let love in completely. But....somehow..someway..you find yourself again..it took me 16 years to wake up..even with a husband and child..but I am alive again. It took so long..but if I had stopped living..I would be missing out on today..and my life has just begun.

Hey, whats your email address? Mine is susanainmiami@gmail.com <br />
Drop me a line, its important.

Hey, whats your email address? Mine is susanainmiami@gmail.com <br />
Drop me a line, its important.

Hey, whats your email address? Mine is susanainmiami@gmail.com <br />
Drop me a line, its important.

not a lot i can say<br />
i did lose the more i loved that way but i was not there i was in a coma for 6 months<br />
<br />
and it should have never happened<br />
but stuiped goverment people do in a job theyhad been there the day before to tell her i wasin a plane crash and thought to be dead<br />
<br />
the next morning as my wife wlked to work in siagon she was killed in a bomb blast<br />
<br />
the people that went to the house were the same ones that had been there the day before and they said afterwards they knew from the report i was alive and in a coma but it was not there job to tell her<br />
our mother from the story ask to be excused as she walked in to her room and opened her purse and took out her gun andlaced it by her ear andpulled the trigger

I had a fiance of 2 years, he 19and I 17, and he jumped off a building in front of me. I tried keeping him from jumping but it ended in a fist fight and obviously I lost.. I can't over it. I was the only person hbe had, after he lost his family job friends and home. I live with guilt everyday because I have 'everything' (a home great job college education family and friends and even money) but he had nothing. He threatened suicide before and I should have told someoone. Ill I can say is that if someone you know thretens it, better be safe than sorry and tell someone, even the cops

My boyfriend he has some pretty deep memories and bad past and when I came along he was so happy and thank full that I came he told me he attempted suicide once and his mother came over and saw that he was trying to hang himself and got stopped. Today he attempted and Im in another state to visit family. He scares me and says the only reason why I am alive is because how much I love you.. I get scared because he is my soul mate and me losing him makes me have crazy thoughts Im am so worried and scared that he will kill himself and i will have<br />
To find out from the cops . I'm afraid of that day.

Suicide attempts, successful or not, can be impulsive things...try to help him get help, so that his past isn't a threat to you both.

my best frind and i got married on aug 1 2011...and we knew each other for 23 years. we were the best friends ever..we could tell each other everything...so i thought...he had a daughter who was 16 years old. she lived with us and her and i got along great...well on Jan 9 2011 his daughter and I were just talking and she told me tha her father my husband has been touching her...so i took her to her real moms and went back home...when i confronted him about this he grabbed a gun and shot himself in the head...i blame myself everyday...the smell of the gun, all the blood...i cant get over it. i yelled at him and was so hurt by everything. I never meant for him to kill himself, I loved him every much..now his whole family blames me that he is dead and that makes it worse for me. how can you get over something like this?

you did the right thing, kittiecats... so sorry it turned out the way it did... that girl may miss her father and the family may very well want to push their hurt onto someone, but she will be thankful years later when she is still suffering with the memories of his abuse that he is now gone. so sorry.

Well, it almost sounds sick! Yet, I'm happy to finally have found others who share my haunting!<br />
I went to the SOS groups, but none there actually witnessed the suicide of there loved one. Not that their pain is any less than mine or yours, just a different demon. <br />
My boyfriend shot himself in front of me with a 22, two years ago. I was 5 weeks from graduating nursing school!' I'll never know how I graduated<br />
Two years out and I too find myself at times doing reckless things, unable to sleep, unable to enjoy the laughter at times. My emotions are labile. One day I hate him and want to forget I ever knew him, other days I wish I had one more minute with him. It's Definetly changed me, I've lost people I thought were my friends, my family thinks I'm crazy and ****** up! Such a taboo topic.. Funny because those that say you need to talk about it, don't want to hear it. I don't blame myself anymore, I feel he was going to do it regardless of my pleas. I too no longer believe in god, or trust many with my heart. The PTSD has eased up a bit, not ******* all the time or having to close my eyes to try and squish the horrific image that replays. I did a lot of reading on mental disorders and NDE..it helped me! I'm obsessed now with ghost stories, mediums, NDE ect...I guess it gives me some peace there is something better than here. And that I can see him again to beat his ***, for ******* me up!! Ive never seen a shrink, though I do take Xanax to sleep. I know the ability they have to be addicting so I only take them to sleep, when I have to work. I think each of us deal in are own way and what works best for us...the first year I drank nightly. The first year is a blur. Family and friends don't know the anguish you really face daily. And eventually one will be ignorant and tell you to get over it lol. Gee I didn't just bury my cat.. I watch a life of someone i was deeply in love with blow their brains out, hell of a break up!

I have just experienced what you did only he used a 45. It has only been 5 weeks ago today. I am so numb and empty I don't think I will make it. The guilt will kill me if only I would have seen him grab the gun. I had just turned around to pick up my shirt and just the quick words I am just going to take my gun and shoot myself then pop...2 seconds and our lives our ruined forever. I have tried to stay living in the house we were living in together but I just can't. I don't sleep, eat or anything else.

Its so weird, except for some of the details, i feel like i could have written this

Same here....12 years ago. I would love to chat with you sometime - I just don't like writing about it on a blog. I also have PTSD - and can understand how you are feeling. I was on disability for 5 years I was so messed up. I did therapy for 8, I think I'm as fixed as I'm gonna get. It does get a little better eventually, kind of like cycles, you feel good for a little while, but it's always in the back of your mind - you can't escape it. I spent years just trying to figure it out - 12 years later and I am still obviously thinking about it enough to find you here. I'm on a down cycle right now... Anniversary' dates are really hard. You just have to get out of bed every morning, try to get yourself out of the house and keep going - that's my best advice. You will be different forever, other people don't get it, and sometimes you hurt so much you just don't know what to do, but you can't off yourself because you saw what that does to others and if you ever cared for anyone in your life you wouldn't wish it on them. So just keep going - and you will find happiness and a life that feels normal again even though right now it's kind of hard to believe.

Sorrow<br />
<br />
Sorrow is a word that I never knew<br />
till I thought about the gun, the trigger you<br />
placed at your temple as you defied strife.<br />
Steadily pulling the trigger, you ended your life.<br />
I wish Shane, as you'd marched tall to die<br />
that you'd stopped for a moment to whisper "goodbye."<br />
'Cause sometimes when I'm lonely and missing you most<br />
an agonizing feeling seems to clutch at my throat.<br />
This feeling that I speak of is quite common now...<br />
breathing becomes difficult as I think about how<br />
much sorrow it took for you to choose death.<br />
Are you peaceful now Shane, are you finally at rest?<br />
Has the land of the dead made up for your pain?<br />
Did the sacrifice of living prove more of a gain?<br />
Or, as the bullet of death fiercely slammed through your head<br />
did you whimper and beg to be living instead?<br />
These are where my feelings of agony dwell<br />
As I wonder if death wasn't more of a hell.<br />
Not only for you, but also for me<br />
'cause I couldn't help you and I'll never be free...<br />
I'll never be free of this feeling which haunts<br />
Which clutches my throat and constantly taunts<br />
that I couldn't help you enough just to give<br />
you faith in tomorrow - give you faith just to live.<br />
I'll pray that the angels have now taken you home<br />
And have found you true happiness, true peace<br />
of your own.<br />
And I'll pray I'll find peace - so that one day I'll be<br />
set free of the haunting of your memory

Sorrow<br />
<br />
Sorrow is a word that I never knew<br />
till I thought about the gun, the trigger you<br />
placed at your temple as you defied strife.<br />
Steadily pulling the trigger, you ended your life.<br />
I wish Shane, as you'd marched tall to die<br />
that you'd stopped for a moment to whisper "goodbye."<br />
'Cause sometimes when I'm lonely and missing you most<br />
an agonizing feeling seems to clutch at my throat.<br />
This feeling that I speak of is quite common now...<br />
breathing becomes difficult as I think about how<br />
much sorrow it took for you to choose death.<br />
Are you peaceful now Shane, are you finally at rest?<br />
Has the land of the dead made up for your pain?<br />
Did the sacrifice of living prove more of a gain?<br />
Or, as the bullet of death fiercely slammed through your head<br />
did you whimper and beg to be living instead?<br />
These are where my feelings of agony dwell<br />
As I wonder if death wasn't more of a hell.<br />
Not only for you, but also for me<br />
'cause I couldn't help you and I'll never be free...<br />
I'll never be free of this feeling which haunts<br />
Which clutches my throat and constantly taunts<br />
that I couldn't help you enough just to give<br />
you faith in tomorrow - give you faith just to live.<br />
I'll pray that the angels have now taken you home<br />
And have found you true happiness, true peace<br />
of your own.<br />
And I'll pray I'll find peace - so that one day I'll be<br />
set free of the haunting of your memory

4yrs ago the father of my kids killed him self in front of me we broke up for about two weeks and we were fighting he called me and told me to come get the kids I was working I left work and went there he kept trying to get me to come inside I wouldn't go and he said fine I love you so much and reached behind the front door and said I ******* love you don't you get it and shot him self in the head I wrapped a towel around his head he was still breathing then went out I did chest compressions and mouth to mouth telling him why did you do this I need you! coverd in blood I stood up he was dead the ambulance took him away that was the last day I ever spoke to him and miss him so much...... It's so hard to move on from these types of thing but I have to hold my head up and go in for my children! I know he's shunning down on us from heaven and eventually we will be together.. God works in crazy ways!

I shot myself about 8 months ago in front of my husband. He is the reason I am here. I didn't do it in the head but I did do it on my left side of my chest. Some how I survived. IT was a millimeter from my heart. I have constant reminders of this with the repercussions of my accident. By the grace of something my husband stayed with me. I can't fathom how yall feel or him. We are both having alot of trouble getting past it. We really can't talk about it, I mean friends I can some i should say but it isn't the same I want us back before everything got bad and than went to that. I am very sorry any of you had to witness something like that. I am very ashamed of what I did and the harm I caused. I have changed alot from then and doing better mentally but no where near enough better with him. I don't know how to fix the damage......<br />
For some reason I got lucky and glad that I did but yall have every right to feel and do what you do in my opinion, it is hard to deal with on both sides. I don't even remember grabbing the gun or pulling the trigger it is so far fetched to me that I did it. I can't believe I hurt so many people when all I wanted was everyone to be happy and felt that it would be better without me. I don't feel that way now ..... I do feel responsible for alot of hate toward people who have attempted suicide or succeed. I am sorry again yall have to deal with this. But your not alone as you can see.

the same thing did*

the same thing almost happened to me two days ago. My boyfriend and i were arguing. I threatened to kill myself and i picked up our gun cocked it and put it to my head. I couldn't go through with it and i put it down on our coffe table and asked him to uncock it. He pointed it at me, I thought he was going to shoot me... he said I should have shot myself it would have made it easier for him and that he wasn't afraid of blood. When i heard the shot I actually thought he had shot me, he had been pointing it at me... when i opened my eyes he was falling on our living room sofa... with blood covering all our family photos and out baby monitor... I watched his brain spill all over the place and tried to roll him out of his blood because he was still breathing and vomiting up blood and I was trying to save him. He died in the ER shortly after that. He had been drinking heavily that night and maybe using drugs why on earth would I have asked him to pick up the gun and uncock it? Why would I have even grabbed it? Because I'm a horribly over dramatic person with no regard for human life who should have been the one to get shot that night.

welcome to the horrible club we call PTSD survival. i'm so damn sorry for you sweetheart, i mean that sincerely, i've been through near-death experience and am still suffering a decade later. my ex husband attempted to murder me on many occasions... i know some people call this domestic violence but there is nothing domestic about trying to kill someone, no matter how related or domestic you appear to be. i went through 4 years of being treated like dirt was worth more than me. it changed everything about how i look at people now and i can say i know how you feel. it has ruined my life so much i am now suffering an identity crisis/existential crisis and i can't fix it. sounds like all of us here could benefit from some really good therapy.

After hearing ur story I'm now more scared than ever. I rececently just lost the love of my life. 20 days ago my boyfriend shot himself in front of me to. scared the hell out of me. Sadest thing is I could of saved him, I said all the wrong things that morning and all the right words to late. I didnt take him serious enough. He died not knowing the truth. trying to cope. nobody could even begin to understand, so i havent even bothered to explain. Until i read ur posting. U were describing some of the same feelings im having.

thats too sad

Do you have close friends right now? I had been bulimic for about 5 years....then a pothead, then an alcoholic...then....couldn't open up to anyone....and one day I broke down and told my messed up life story and my addictions to a teacher....after that, because I couldn't believe what I had told her....I went through PTSD (I later diagnosed myself-1 year later)and dropped out of college a semester before graduating as a dental hygienist .....II kept thinking I should be kicked out...or I was going to be kicked out because of what I told her....and as things went....all downhill after that into severe depression, and disassociation.....had been sent to a mental hospital twice....sad, I felt like I was the most ****** up one in there. If you ever want to chat hit me up....still trying to fight alcohlism right now....and the alcohol is winning.