Unchecked Agression Can Be A Bad Thing

I have been going to counseling for the longest time (14 or so till now at least which would be close to 6 years, 3 different counselors) and I will post the same series of events I tell them to this group.

I was molested early in life (Age 5 or so) and that is my first memory I have. I often, when the few relationships I have get to this stage, get freaked out when the girl I am dating wants sex. I cannot seem to trust anyone when it comes to wanting to have my last barrier come down unless I don't know them at all, don't care what they think or am drunk/stoned. Every time I think about sex I have a sort of slight panic attack and remember what that guy did to me. 13 or so years later and it still bothers me.

My second trigger is when people fight in front of me to the point it seems they don't care I am there. This reminds me of my parents and I moved out of their house at age 16 due to this reason alone to live with my Grandmother. Most of the time when I hear people fight I zone out until the end of the fight but the times I don't I get a heavy feeling in my chest and I feel like I cant breathe to the point I almost pass out.

My third trigger and in my mind the biggest happened in the summer of 09. I was in a Frat party (Sophomore than and now) that happened the day before classes began, and my friend gets into an argument with some random kid. The kid is making no sense period and leaves all pissed off. Later on in the party he comes back and tries to murder my friend in front of me with a chainsaw, almost killing myself and a bunch of other people in the process. I cannot express how afraid I was at the time because now I cant seem to care about anything anymore period. Since that event I had a guy pull a knife on me and try and stab me in a fight which I won only because I think he was more afraid that I didn't react to him pulling a knife on me than I was of him doing it.

My fourth trigger and the last I can think of off the top of my head is my Freshman year of high school when I was expelled for something that wasn't my fault and later that was found to be the case and i was readmitted. I lost trust in everyone that day (Parents for not helping me at all, they did everything the school said and blamed me for being kicked out... no one, parents or school included admitted they were wrong when it was found not to be my fault,) and since then I cant trust many people.

That is it off the top of my head. Its been a bumpy ride for my life and honestly it really makes me hate myself for not being able to do something to stop any of it.

MacGreggor MacGreggor
18-21, M
Feb 16, 2010