I Told My Mom, Finally

I told my mom about my nightmares. I haven't really posted about them, though and I kinda want to talk about them.

So, I'm a major cutter. I have 508 scars at the moment and I'm trying to quit, but I always go back to it. I have PTSD from that and then from the cutting in general, I guess ? That's what the psychiatrist told me. And I have this one nightmare that I had been keeping to myself where I'm sitting in my room, up against my bed, like usual, with my blade in my hand, but this time I'm shaking so bad and crying so hard that I can't control the cutting enough to even try. Then, my mom walks in, takes the blade from my hands, grabs my arm, looks my dead in the eye and cuts me so deep that it penetrates my vein like it did the night of my suicide attempt. All the way up and down my arm like I did, but she starts to peel the skin off my arm and the bleeding just gets worse and worse and for some reason, every time, I can't wake up. I just sit there and I watch. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. I know it's not real or anything like that, but it's still awful. I've taken three different types of meds for nightmares and sleeping, but they can't seem to help. And I've always tried thinking positively before I go to bed and I've tried reading and I've tried upbeat music and I just can't seem to find anything that will work. I just get scared of sleeping now and it's exhausting.
Kthnxbai Kthnxbai
13-15, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

Keep it positive darling.

Life is confusing when your young and don't understand yourself. But things will get better.

There was a time when I was in such a place where I tried to kill myself but couldn't imagine doing it now. Upbeat music and being positive is great but you might want to try other things like self hypnosis (which was great for me), change in diet (obviously not a solution but will really help) etc.

It may even help to find interests and hobby's to try and distract yourself a little. As important as it is to talk about things honestly it's also great to be able to calm your mind and/or distract your thoughts from over thinking things. The thinking can often make things worse as you work your way into a bad head state.

Keep it positive darling.