How Did I Let This Happen??

      Started an affair with a close friend a year ago- he is attached- not married, but may as well be. He's been with his gf for 17 years, & they have 3 kids. It had been obvious, long before the affair started, that we were very attracted to each other, & were constantly flirting. The flirting became more intense over time, then one day, he just grabbed me, & started kissing me. 
       At the time, I was with another man, but whom I was leaving in less than a week. My heart was no longer in my present relationship. When my attached guy kissed me, & started running his hands all over me, I was more turned on than I had ever been in my life. I had already really liked him as a friend, really liked who he was as a person, & to tell the entire truth, I was 1000% into his advances.
       We ended up in bed very quickly, & have continued the affair over the last year. I have never, EVER , in my life been a ****, I could not believe this was happening, but I just did not care!! Very quickly, I realized I was in love with him, & that he IS the man I have been waiting for, the love of my life- the depth of love I feel for him, few people are  fortunate enough to EVER experience.. I have never loved anyone this deeply- for anyone out there who feels like getting judgmental on me- let me tell you a hard fact- You CANNOT help who you fall in love with, you simply can't.
        I know I should feel guilty, but I just don't. Don't get me wrong- I'm not proud of the fact I am having an affair, but I cannot just let it go- I have been trying, very hard, to convince to leave his GF, & have us try too be together. He has made it very clear that he has no intention of leaving the "life it took so long to build"- You know, the house, the cars, the family , the whole (supposed) American, white picket fence dream...
         He has told me, so many times, that I have no idea how badly he wishes things were different,  & wishes we had met a long time ago.. Well, I wish I had a time machine, but that just aint gonna happen, y'know???
          I REALLY would like to talk to people- women & men ( I would like perspectives from both sexes) who are going through this- I am absolutely heartbroken, WRECKED, knowing that we will never truly be together- He has ,so many times, told me how guilty he feels, & in the last year, we have "broken it off" 7 or 8 times, only to start back up again We are drawn to each other like magnets- he trys to break it off because of the guilt, but , again I just do not care about anything but him, & when I can see him again!!.
         I have been very open with him, & told him how crazy in love with him I am- whenever I express this to him, he just melts...
         This crap is killing me- I really need to talk to other people who have been or are going through this.

Btloml4ever Btloml4ever
41-45, F
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

I too am in a relationship with a married woman. She loves me and I love her. The sex is hot. The emotional connection is strong. We love each others company. Her husband knows about us and is good with it. He doesnt want any thing physical to do with her. They have an agreement that she will never leave him. So she will never be mine. I dont want to spend my life alone. I have to break this bond that we have. I have to move on and find another woman. But it hurts so much I dont think I can. I really dont know what to do.