12 Years Of ....

I was bound in marriage, bound in maternal interest, bound in fear. Fear of loosing the little family I had been given. Fear that when something good happens something comes to take it away. I quietly lived my little life. I gathered my babies in close. I delt with whatever my husband threw my way. A lost job, another move, women... It seemed like the girl I was faded away. I was so lost in my life.
I used to see hope. I saw a future. No more. Now as I looked in the mirror I saw an withered young woman. I lost 30-40 lbs, my hair was falling out. But I still got up and took care of my babies. Some days I wanted to die. Others I spent in bed; feeling so guilty that I couldn't get up and show my love to my kids. Worried that somehow fate would see and steal the only joy I had.
Many days I forced my body up. I was weak from hunger, depression, to many babies- too close together. UP, UP.. That was my self help talk. I had no family. No friends. I closed the door to my past. So nobody anywhere. I was lost. People who knew me didn't understand. My husband had emotionaly and mentally drained me of all I had. What saved me?? Not a divorce, my children are still young enough to be home; ( so it wasn't kids) I prayed. A little at first. A lot later. I am still in the same place in my life in every way. The only thing that changed was what was in me.
I still have days when I leave work to check on my kids. I still battle fear that I will 1 day wake up without the only thing I care about. I love my husband and would hate to loose him... But if I lost my kids I would be a dangerous person.
IamGreenEyes IamGreenEyes
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 17, 2013

I think you looked in the right place for relief.I hope your life continues to get better.Hang in there.

Thank you. It feels so good to get up knowing I have God to lean on. :)

Yes He says He is there to lean on always.

** Huge smile ** Exactly!