Not Scars, Medals!!

I wouldn't call them scars because I see them as medals. There's the most obvious one on the neck, the first one, when I was eleven and helplessness drove me off the edge for the first time. There's the shiny skin on the back of my left hand from where I tried to scrape my skin off with a compass after my friend attempted to make my give up everything I had for her, the dark scar on my left wrist from when my mum's accusations hurt me the most. There's the ones on my left leg from where I dug into my flesh with a pocketknife and the scars on my left arm. Thing is I enjoy causing myself pain. I enjoy seeing my blood. I enjoy feeling my cuts sting. So I have countless ear piercings. I believe I deserve punishment but have never understood why. I think because at 40kg and 5"7 I'm fat. Because anorexia is perfection, a life of beauty but I'm too fat. I always will be. So my scars as to scrape away my surface and reveal my corset of bones. The corset I would kill for. Explanatory poem: 

'Thorny Realms Of My Mind' 

I stumble through the thorns of thought
shadowed, clumsy and distraught. 
Sunlight is strangled by hopelessness poisonous boughs 
as I utter countless deadly vows. 
You won't understand me. 
And you really wouldn't believe me
because you don't even know me. 

My heart is a lifeless fish trapped in the cobwebs of my misery. 
And still all you ever do is breathe more agony into me. 
I could try to explain
but I think it's best if I refrain
for if you know what was trapped within my mind
you would join the rest of mankind
and think me mad. 
But I think your confusion would make me glad
that even you feel the throes of confusion sometimes. 
But I will remain trapped in depressions suffocating vines. 

It hurts to see what you do to me,
but I know this is exactly how life would be. 
So many smiles I struggle to force, 
So many frowns try to throw me off course. 
But I will not fall prey to remorse. 
I am too strong to give in to the wrong. 
I am not going to be held back by the throbbing throng. 
No one understands me,
so even after this you will fail to see,
that I am a lot more than you know me to be. 

I want more scars. I'm not a weakling. I want more pain. I want more agony. I like how it feels.
WordHustler1995 WordHustler1995
18-21, F
May 14, 2012