My Struggle With Self HarmI'm kassie, I'm 14 years old, and I never imagined I would end up like this. I used to look down on people who self harm, but now I'm one of them. I started self harming when I was 13. I don't remember exactly what made me do it, though. something just triggered me, and I felt like I had no where to turn except to a blade, and I had seen/read things about self harm and I decided to try it.. biggest mistake of my life.
I honestly wish I had a better reason to self harm, (ex. bad family life, sexual/physical abuse, etc.) but nothing tragic had ever happened to me. I really do have a great life. my family is wonderful, I have a roof over my head, food in the kitchen, expensive clothing, hell, I'm typing this on my iPhone!
I hate myself. (that's the reason I self harm, I guess.) every aspect about me, I hate. I feel so alone- only a few friends know, but not anyone else. I'm a 14 year old girl, I should be happy, I should be at the beach with my friends, I should be playing sports, I shouldn't be contemplating whether to slice into my skin or not. it's disgusting.
I have never seen a therapist, counselor, etc., so I really haven't been diagnosed with anything professionally. I would consider myself depressed, and I would also consider myself to be bulimic. over time, everything has gotten worse. I purge everything I eat, and self harm daily.
I started out with just using some scissors, and now I take the blades out of pencil sharpeners. I also took the blades out of my fathers knives he uses for work. terrible, right? seeing the blood trickle down my skin is just.. a release. I don't ever feel guilty about it afterwards, either. I fear that the next cut I make will be the one that is "too deep". I desperately need help, but I don't know how to get it. as much as I hate self harming; I cannot live without it.
kzndr 13-15, F 6 Responses 1 Aug 9, 2012