It Started In The 7th Grade.

I remember, the very first time i cut myself was in the 7th grade. In middle school you think you have the best of friends, you think you fall in love, and your grades and everything start to matter. you go through life and think this is great, then the next day things could completely go down a opposite road, your friends might not be as close as they were , people think you're weird and people start to bully, your grades go down, and you fail , and the one you think you "love"might fall out of love with you. As all of these things started to happen to me, i got depressed, my stress level started to build. I felt not wanted , i felt stupid, i felt like nobody wanted me around and i felt like my life wasn't worth it , at that time i wanted to die.
the first time i cut, i was in my bed room one night, i was crying harder then i have ever cried before thinking over the life situations , about my father and mothers separation, thinking about school, and the stupid people who hurt me in the past. i started scratching at my skin until i felt like the pain on the outside was causing less pain on the inside, i had a welt on my arm once i checked it, so i went into the kitchen, and i got a knife and started cutting on my skin until blood came through. i liked watching the blood come out of my arm , to me it sort of felt like it was releasing the stress from the inside to the outside which i liked. i started doing this for days after days, until it scared over. i told my friend about the cutting, the one friend i really felt i could trust. she told my mom about it. i felt like i was stupid to tell her about it. my mom talked to me about my stress. i was okay for a little while , i stopped cutting, until the next year
the bullying started again. and then i had a few more friends then, and one my best friends was moving away , it killed my inside , she was the best friend anyone could ask for, and i loved her as if she was my sister , i was upset about that. i cut, i was upset about my grades in school again. i cut. i was upset and disgusted about my weight. i thought i was fat. so i cut.. things just started piling up on me, so i was cutting every month ... about 5 times a month.. and i only just stopped this summer.. i was cutting myself for 3 years. and the only thing i got out of it was pain and scars.
as i got to highschool, the bulling stopped , and there was the guy i have talked to , he has helped me out alot, i barly knew him , but he has got me so far in the past year so far, and he means alot to me, he's a good friend,i still have the depression sometimes, and i still have flashbacks to things people have said, and about my past. but now i just block everyone out , and get my schoolwork done, i am passing, but i still hurt sometimes.and i get stressed alot, but it has gotten better now instead of cutting, i listen to music up real loud, i draw. and i do things that help my try and get my mind away from whats bothering me. I have scars and the past memories, but things get better.<3
cherrylover1234 cherrylover1234
18-21, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

That's great that your pulling through <3 I feel and have felt the same way as you have and it hurts...you feel so tired and alone, everyone changes and becomes so distant.

Yes, it do hurt , and its really hard to deal with, after a while people seem to just move on away from your life, and leave you alone, and you feel so hurt. but its okay, cause i sometimes like the space i have from being alone. i love the fact that i'm pulling through, and trying to get better, also, maybe done what i do, listen to my music loud, and doing things i like make me feel better, it might help you too! &lt;3