Painful Reminder

Hi everyone,

This is my very first post and I am honestly still trying to figure out how this works. I find it weird that I feel comfortable writing my story online for anyone to see, well anyway this is how it goes.

I was 13 when all of "this" started to happen. I started to become depress and what made me so mad is that I didn't know why. I always kept to myself when I was younger and was always quiet around my family. But 13 was just the beginning, I started isolating myself at home and became very distant.

When I was 16 I tried to kill myself. I woke up in a psych ward. I was there for 3 months. It was a horrible experience. I would slice up my arm everyday and I don't know how they expect children to get better in a place like that. In there, I found out I have a major depressive disorder along with borderline Personality Disorder

Anyways, I'm out of that place and now I'm 18. I go to college and have full time job. But, I am still in a constant battle with myself. I feel like I need to cut all the time and it is exhausting. With the personality disorder, it's hard for me to open up to people. I've opened up to friends before but they always end with me not being friends with them any more because I become to attached. It's frustrating because I'm trying to change that about me but no one wants to help me. I feel all alone and all I want is a friend. A best friend. Someone who will understand me and what I'm going through.

I have a lot of family problems going on right now and its hard when I can't even confide in a best friend. It sucks. I have friends but no one that seems like they want to open up to me. Maybe cause I'm so guarded all the time. I have to take the blame for me not opening up to people because its true. But, I'm so scared to open up to people because I'm scared of getting hurt and feeling vulnerable.

My scars on my arm will always be a painful reminder of all of this.

I want to get better but doctors and medicine come with money, which is something I don't have.

All I really want is a best friend.
Mka2012 Mka2012
18-21, M
4 Responses Jan 13, 2013

You can talk to me anytime you need to, I promise I won't walk off on you.

Rough hard yuck and sickly feeling. I know what you mean about trying to open vs trying to guard you emotions. Do you feel like you could open up? I did tell a friend well actually three friends at one time I had bpd and they've done and said nothing. So I think if 'one' does open up it helps if, like you say, they understand where you're coming from.

I can't say I know exactly how you feel. But I I've been in some of the same situations. And it took time but I'm starting to see the bright side of life. You might not think there is one but I promise there is. And like the other person who commented you don't need a friend to tell everything to. You need to be your own best friend, in the end you are the only one who will be there for yourself. Do you write? If not i recommend it. Just write everything you're feeling. It helps. Good luck and I'm here if you need to talk. Stay beautiful. Xx

Don't you think having to be your own best friend all the time gets lonely

Yeah it does but you need to become your own before you go looking. Xx

You are right to not open yourself tp hurt and vulnrability
be your own best friend