Not Just Cuts But Battle Wounds

I have been struggling with cutting for the past five years, I cut my left shoulder mainly and i have built up so much scar tissue over the years that I can hardly feel it anymore, and it takes real effort to bleed. I've been having terrible urges for the past couple days even though i havent cut in weeks.
Thats how it always goes though, i decide that enough is enough and decide to quit but thats when the battle starts. The urges start on my skin and then sink into my muscle and finaly resonate in my bones, I am the only warrior in my war and I am generally defeated. But the war wages on battle after battle, and loss after loss, its loss of blood, loss of emotion, and loss of humanity. Sometimes im sure that i will never recover but here I am still fighting on. Its ironic that my armor is my scars, and my sword is my enemy, that a few crimson lines can turn friends into strangers and strangers into "friends".
The only friend that understood said she found God and got over it except that Gods name is Maryjane and Niccotine, replacing one bad thing with another which brings me to this.. Smokers are excepted and all they're doing is ripping themselves apart from the inside out... Im just ripping myself apart from the outside in and yet I am the monster? My cuts only directly effect me, while smoke directly effects everyone, and yet im the one in need of change?
My scars are what keep me clued into reality, give me a reason to be aware. They ***** away my emotion and my physical senses sharpen. I can observe easier, I see them staring at me and i tug at my sleeves, my skin is on fire, my softest shirts feel like sandpaper, and everything tastes like blood. My entire existence is tainted red until they heal.
And when they heal i wear the scars with pride, i lost a battle, but im still breathing. I AM still Breathing! I am still fighting, and i will never stop fighting!
AuroraMariah AuroraMariah
18-21
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Hey I've been struggling with cutting for 8 years now and some weeks I do well then there are other weeks when I cut constantly. I have a suggestion for you, you should do other things instead of cutting. Have you ever used the rubber trick. Flicking yourself with rubber bands can help take the edge off or even holding ice cubes.

Even calling a friend or writing can help. I know its hard to try different coping skills because cutting is so easy but in the long run trying alternatives to cutting will be helpful

Thank you so much for the advice, i will try the rubber band thing :)