It Will Never Heal

 

my father and i had a great relationship, he was open minded , talk reason and willing to discuss things using logic, he was a n avid reader which what i inherited from him , and i was attached to him more than i was to my mom

 

10 years ago, i had a fight with my brother, he picked on me and i called him names , he took the fishing stick and hit me with it with all his might. because i insulted him .

 

yet no body blamed him for it, i was blamed for calling him names to begin with and everyone said i deserved what happened . including my father who was supposed to defend me

he let me down, and they all did, i decided not to speak to my brother ever again

my brother never apologized for what he did, he believed and still believe he did the right thing teaching me a lesson

and he never stopped picking on me

even when my father scolded him. my aunts blamed me for that

he scolded him as he broke a vase

still, my father asked me to make up with my brother

ever since , i have become insecure, angry , not trusting anyone and bitter

and kept reminding my dad how he let me down

and no one was there for me , because they didn't want to cause more problems and make people talk if they knew about it

my bruises were still marked on my body and they asked me to let it go

it took me almost a year till  made up with him

but he kept on mistreating me emotionally and yell at me , he never showed any kind of remorse of what he did

 

so i stopped talking to him again , he kept on calling me names and make fun of anything i said and did , he had been always jealous of me because i was admitted to college and because i speak english better then he does, he would find any fault in me to prove i am not at good at anything as  people think

 

my dad continued asking me make up to him because he is my brother and all

and i was more angry at my father for his attitude and not standing up for me when i needed him the most

my anger blinded me and clouded my vision to see that my father was ill, and he knew his end was near and he wanted to make sure that my brothers and i are in good terms since he will be my guardian when he die, which what happened

after two years since the incident and not talking to my brother, my father passed away due to a heart failure

it took me almost 6 months to believe it

and my mom and aunt blamed me for not making my father's last wish

i realized i was all alone in this world even among my family

no one has been sympathetic or understood how i felt or tried to be in my shoes

 

they believe i made a big deal out of it

whenever i tell this to my friends, they too believe its not a big deal

i almost lost my sanity here, why does everyone see what he did was the right thing?

like( so he hit you, then what?)

i could have reported him but i didn't for the sake of my family who let me down and failed me

because they know what it means a woman being hit here , it mean jail and people will talk

.....

because of him. i lost my father , i regret how i treated my father afterwords , i was bitter and hurt , i was because i trusted my father that he would stand up for me but he didn't because at the time he wasn't in a good health to do anything about it

 

i cant forget what happened, it scarred me so deeply not being hit, but not getting any support or sympathy for the closest people to me

i came to see that i am alone in this world , i never felt that lonely and till this moment it gets worse ......

i miss my father and i wish i can hold him again and tell him that i am sorry for the hurting him

 

lonesomedove80 lonesomedove80
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 18, 2009

the bruises on my body was enough proof of what he did, my other brother saw it, what was i supposed to do and how they were right? did i deserev to be hit like that because i called him names?

It was not right what any one of them did or didn't do to you, but, you haven't always done the right thing either. I am in way defending their actions, but we all make mistakes and we have to except them. These events make us who we are. Good and bad. Maybe, you have not expressed in the right manner to your family on how this event affected you. And maybe you have, but you can not make them think the way you want them to. All you can do is try. Except, and try to recover.

Hi, I feel your pain.<br />
Nobody has the right to hit you so I understand your anger. You felt let down by the one person you thought would protect you. <br />
Please understand and know that your father IS by your side and he knows exactly how you feel.<br />
It hurts him to see how you are hurting inside.<br />
Please forgive yourself, you were understandibly hurt and angry.<br />
Talk to your father and if you are still and quiet you will hear him. Ask him why he did what he did.<br />
Please let me know what happened.<br />
Just call him and tell him you love him and ask him to hold you.<br />
Let it all out, let go, so you can move forward.<br />
Please keep in touch.<br />
Love Solar