A Gift?

i've been to two psychiatrist's within the last two months; and finally that is, after waiting my whole life to come out and say something. i have routines that i do to avoid being scared. when i say scared; i mean i panic.. and freak out kindof? i like to call it "episodes", sometimes i just get so confused and i get confused thoughts (delusions) and i feel like a whole bunch of people are just staring at me, gawking at me. not just any people; their dead. but i dont see them with my own two eyes, it's close enough though. i like to put it as "i dont see them, but they're right behind me eyes". i feel them so much that i turn my head when i'm picturing them. some have names, some dont. some i can only picture certain parts of their body. but its scary. then, looking around me i wonder if whats going on is real.

a few examples of me "panicing" and being scared are these.

-i needed to go downstairs and get my phone charger, but i couldnt even walk the 3 feet to turn on the light past the bedroom that i pictured the little boy in. i tried numerous times, and i told myself outloud "you can do it. how the hell hard can i be to walk downstairs, are you kidding me!?" and i'd get mad at myself.. then try again, and again, then i'd get disappointed that i couldnt do it. my phone was dead that night; i couldnt do it.

-theres this one girl i visualize, im not sure if its appropriate to get into detail so i'll keep it soft; she's skinny, pale, brown hair, covered in dry blood, and she's always raging mad. this is the one that comes to my head most often. in the backseat of my car, in my heater vents, under my bed, army crawling down my hallway, sliding out from around my counter, rolling down my stairs.. and the list goes on. when i get in my paranoid state of mind, i sit there and try to figure out why shes "here", if she lived in this house before me, if she was like me when she was alive, or im the person she wanted to be like when she was alive, i dont know. then i snap back into reality and realize.. shes not real. im saying this now, and yet again when i get in my car tonight i'll drive like a loony trying to get home quick because i'll be picturing her in my backseat.

many people didnt believe me about my disorder when it first came out; so i thought. although i think my familys getting the hint now, because im slowly getting worse everyday. (counselor says this tends to happen at my age, 17). it's not an easy disorder to live with. it affects the rate of everything. it takes me forever to get ready, waiting for my mom to go downstairs first just so i can follow right behind her to go wash my face and brush my teeth. for some reason though, i always felt really safe in my room. its like the "safe zone", or something. its such a relief when i lock my door. the door in which, you will never find open. i wont sit in a room with the door open, i can picture people walking by.. and feel their presence.

im pretty much the bipolar type of schizoaffective. one minute i'm laughing wildly and making people smile and laugh, the next i want everybody out of my way. thats how i discovered i have this disorder, because at heart im a veryy humorous person.. always smiling and laughing, making jokes, making others laugh. i love doing that, but something went wrong. (although ive always had a wide imagination and always pictured the people, it worsened).. i just want it all cleared up.

i could go on forever. if anybody wants some more examples of the things i do, see, feel, visualize, whatever.. comment on this or something (if you can i dont really know how this site works yet). cuz i wanna meet more people with this, so i can relate.


amberrr amberrr
18-21, F
11 Responses Dec 11, 2007

Hi I have schizoaffective bipolar type with mostly religiously themed. Those dead you are seeing I think are best described as archetypes; ultra terrestrial. Anyway it's important to be able to navigate through your experiences which quite often requires a certain type of authoritative attitude. So we made you an offer you can't refuse, a long time ago.
It always starts out like a blazing wildfire what we do is focus it until it turns into a fine highly condensed blue flame then we incorporate it into our "body". Yes! It's A gift! Ask me any questions and tell me anything anytime.

you encouraged me to create my own account and share my story. I would love to be friends :) Good luck with treatment

Hello, I can definitely relate to everything said. Sometimes when I'm driving I imagine huge blades rising from the ground and slicing me in half as I drive through them. In the shower sometimes I imagine I am falling into hell and being sliced in half as I fall. Sometimes I think I'm going to fall off the planet because it's just a big ball and I'm upside down in a way.<br />
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It's been a really hard illness for me to handle and even though there are some people in my life saying how good I'm doing I don't always believe them. I can go from super optimistic and fun to be around to super dark and even angry. I've been yelling a lot lately and I'm afraid the neighbors will call the police.<br />
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Thanks for your story

My brother is schizoaffective. He doesnt have many friends or companions. He's young, 30, is there a website for people with that disorder to meet others?

Look inside the bible..find where it says..and its awesome right at the bottom right corner of the page it reads .."God is...then you turn the page and it says "truth".! This sc<x>ripture helped heal me and gave me such strength I cried with joy after not knowing for so long what was real and what wasn't.Please and I'm in no way a good Christian yet but that bible baby..it IS Powerful and such a refuge and strong tower to run to. Psychiatrist put sin in intelligent terms. Your very beautiful...that can be incredibly tough on a person for so many reasons. You make your habits or they make you. My best advice is to fight back using God's word. God IS love. Nothing to it but to do it and I can do it cause I'm used to it. LOL Thats how I get on with my life and enjoy the things I enjoy.Music sex..movies food because Gods word destroyed the demons.

Are you married?

This happens to me when I take a shower. When I close my eyes to wash my hair I feel like a dead woman appears in the shower with me or just out side the shower. And I am scared to death to open my eyes. I have now learned to wash my hair with the shower curten open and my eyes open plus I lock my dog in the bathroom with me for safety.

you will win! i have a friend who grew up i homes due to this disorder..... she now is 33 mother of 4. you can do it. i think you are a amazing girl. xxxxx<br />
have u seen a psychic????

i don't see them anymore but I still hear voices. I've struggled with what the hell they are <br />
and I still don't have an answer that makes me say, "Ok, so that's what it is."<br />
<br />
Spirits, ghosts, demons, angels? I haven't a clue. Maybe there is some truth to it.

nice story im the bipolar type too. Do you have extreme paranoia around regular people. <br />
Every time Im near other people besides my mother and grandparents I get constant racing thoughts which confuses me and I begin to panic. I have kind of what you have. I used to believe i saw ghosts as a kid and throughout my teenage years. scared the hell out of me. lateley i have constant nightmares about dont laugh now (lol) about chuckie and i wake up and i hear him literally and i envision him like on my wall or something. I dont see him i just imagine him. It's hella scary.

thanks for your story.<br />
i've got the bipolar type too :[.

so you think you have ghosts in your house?