i've been to two psychiatrist's within the last two months; and finally that is, after waiting my whole life to come out and say something. i have routines that i do to avoid being scared. when i say scared; i mean i panic.. and freak out kindof? i like to call it "episodes", sometimes i just get so confused and i get confused thoughts (delusions) and i feel like a whole bunch of people are just staring at me, gawking at me. not just any people; their dead. but i dont see them with my own two eyes, it's close enough though. i like to put it as "i dont see them, but they're right behind me eyes". i feel them so much that i turn my head when i'm picturing them. some have names, some dont. some i can only picture certain parts of their body. but its scary. then, looking around me i wonder if whats going on is real.
a few examples of me "panicing" and being scared are these.
-i needed to go downstairs and get my phone charger, but i couldnt even walk the 3 feet to turn on the light past the bedroom that i pictured the little boy in. i tried numerous times, and i told myself outloud "you can do it. how the hell hard can i be to walk downstairs, are you kidding me!?" and i'd get mad at myself.. then try again, and again, then i'd get disappointed that i couldnt do it. my phone was dead that night; i couldnt do it.
-theres this one girl i visualize, im not sure if its appropriate to get into detail so i'll keep it soft; she's skinny, pale, brown hair, covered in dry blood, and she's always raging mad. this is the one that comes to my head most often. in the backseat of my car, in my heater vents, under my bed, army crawling down my hallway, sliding out from around my counter, rolling down my stairs.. and the list goes on. when i get in my paranoid state of mind, i sit there and try to figure out why shes "here", if she lived in this house before me, if she was like me when she was alive, or im the person she wanted to be like when she was alive, i dont know. then i snap back into reality and realize.. shes not real. im saying this now, and yet again when i get in my car tonight i'll drive like a loony trying to get home quick because i'll be picturing her in my backseat.
many people didnt believe me about my disorder when it first came out; so i thought. although i think my familys getting the hint now, because im slowly getting worse everyday. (counselor says this tends to happen at my age, 17). it's not an easy disorder to live with. it affects the rate of everything. it takes me forever to get ready, waiting for my mom to go downstairs first just so i can follow right behind her to go wash my face and brush my teeth. for some reason though, i always felt really safe in my room. its like the "safe zone", or something. its such a relief when i lock my door. the door in which, you will never find open. i wont sit in a room with the door open, i can picture people walking by.. and feel their presence.
im pretty much the bipolar type of schizoaffective. one minute i'm laughing wildly and making people smile and laugh, the next i want everybody out of my way. thats how i discovered i have this disorder, because at heart im a veryy humorous person.. always smiling and laughing, making jokes, making others laugh. i love doing that, but something went wrong. (although ive always had a wide imagination and always pictured the people, it worsened).. i just want it all cleared up.
i could go on forever. if anybody wants some more examples of the things i do, see, feel, visualize, whatever.. comment on this or something (if you can i dont really know how this site works yet). cuz i wanna meet more people with this, so i can relate.