Living On The Event Horizon

A couple of years ago i woke up one morning and had a massive panic attack. Nothing like that had happened to me before so convinced i was going to die i went to the student health center feeling i was barely able to breathe and my heart would soon stop. The doctor quickly sorted things out and i left figuring it was just some sort of fluke. My mental state seemed perfectly solid, always had. My mood started to climb, quickly. i developed delusions of granduer, hallucinated intermittedly, and was having intrusive thoughts by the time i was under treatment. that whole first episode is a blur, i was slapped with the bipolar I with psychosis label. Panic was common as i slowed down from that insane high and some time later i had a massive depressive crash. when i came out of that i figured i would get a break but alas twas not to be. i started feeling odd. there was no mood componant and it wasnt exactly psychosis but it was also absolutely miserable, as if i was watching my life from some observation tower and what i was watching wasnt real anyway. depersonalisation, dissociation, whatever you want to call it, is awful, kind of a forced nihilism thats thudding dully in the back of your mind. i was convinced it was permenant and the docs ignored my complaints of it anyway so all there was to do was deal with it. we're now about a year from the beggining of all of this and i start hallucinating (voices, which is pretty uncommon for me), and im diagnosed schizophrenic instead because i seemed emotionally flat. i try to explain that my reactions are gone because i cant concentrate on anything, my thought process would regularly just start falling to peices. We upped the invega to 12mg and things got better. at this point they had taken me off of depakote and lithium and a month or so later i go manic and wind up in the hospital. Rediagnosed as bipolar and sent home. i start neglecting to mention things to my doc(psychiatrist, not psychologist hes awesome) cuz im sick of changing meds etc. I wound up having two paranoid delusions about which i can remember almost nothing. anyway my psychiatrist decides that im schizoaffective woohoo. My social life has pretty much been destroyed over the course of all of this even my closest friends have (reasonably so) become exhausted with my crap. I also managed to throw away a full ride to purdue along with 2 years of biomedical engineering training.It will take some time to turn things around and the thing thats frustrating me the most at the moment is that even when im at my best i have massive concentration issues. theyre bad enough that im going to have to fix them before i ever get back into classes.
genuineblockhead genuineblockhead
18-21
2 Responses Jul 21, 2010

I empathize. I couldn't finish my bachelors degree because of my schizo-episodes. I withdrew from college and now I spend my days trying to not think about suicide and try not to be so depressed.

I've had this since I was a little boy, however it wasnt diagnosed until I was 17 or so, bipolar when I was 15 and im 21 now. I've been through a lot in that time, just recently got out of jail and through that expieirence finly got the meds I needed. I ended up loosing my mind in short and left home and broke some windows so I could figure things out in jail rather than living with my mom and dad whom I was afraid of at the time.<br />
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The only thing i can suggest is when your going through a fit, try and gain from the expieirience an understanding of what your going through and try to formulate some knowledge that may help you in the future. Also when you are in a more rational state, avoid looking back at what you've been through, it's over and thinking back on it will only make that happen again and again. The best thing you can do is to erase negativity from your speach and stay away from anyone who gets angry often, trust the meds and the doctors and eventually (sometimes through more trial and error necessary such as in my own case...) you will find something that works, It's taken me my whole life to be where im at now, I couldnt feel better. But from dealing with it from a kid I was able to gain an understanding early on how to deal with myself, and that fidning an understanding through even the worst states of mind was the only way to survive it.<br />
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You'll be okay, I hope you can find the adventure in being different, I do hope you find people who can be friends with you. It's nice having friends im sure, I am kind of without any at the moment too though. so same to both of us and anyone else!