Our Ticket To The Dawn: A Madmans Retourt

I figure I would share this manic wave of positivity, however half delusional and confused about things I may be and regardless if I wake up tomarrow hating this or something. I will share my words and story!

So I've been living with this disorder for a while, too long maybe. It was only a few years ago that I was diagnosed but with each passing period of time I've been through, so be it another lifetime to me has passed. In this way I feel streched yet reborn, molded perfectly to this moment, moulding perfectly to the next... I can still breath I should always be happy forever and ever. This is how I would like to see it all the time. If only that were the case but im sure this was all designed with the intent that we somehow learn from our sadnesses too, as well as from where we sit when we're happy. In this way I love God very much, it actually brings a tear or two to my eyes thinking about it, life is so very meaningful... so very obviouse past our confusion.

Music has been my gift and my burdon. I could once play very prolifically, very imaginativly and very expressivaly, I soppose I still can and probably more than ever. But I don't feel it. I don't feel connected with it, although the time I was truly connected it was only a matter of 6 or 8 months before everything crashed down. I feel strange that I knew it was hapening and when and how it would be and where I would end up afterwards. I guess considering what the soul endures it's not all that impossible to see life to vividly to have no other choice but to accept the truth, the termoil in insanity and the only choice but to succumb to it. As life would have it I gave in and am surprised now at how much of it I've enjoyed, although this could just be part of my mania, but I will not subbect my positivity to being so, rather I am correct in saying there is more to be happy about and love in life than to dwell on negativity and be sad, even in the worst of things. I can only say that the human body, the personality and intelect is much harder to control than I think people give credit to. If you really think about it what we "are" is much much less than what we "are" not. I am only so much to turn my head towards a direction and make the coice to speak, If I truly knew what I was going to say, or how I would say it things would be much different. I believe we are to hard on ourselves as humans. How many times have all of us really found ourselves commiting one of the seven deadly sins or breaking one of the commandments, or crossing the other rules or foundations of another religion? How easy is it to loose that control?

I think in my story the events are insignificant. I wish now only to move on, to keep this disorder to myself as socioty would rather see me as a mistake by knowledge of it rather than cultivate from my actions or words what is good and pure. I think what I intend to do is to put an end to the negative thoughts I choose to reviel to people, the all encompossing quest to "fix" whats wrong by only circalling the truth, rather than trusting my sword through it's core and putting an end to it's missrible existence! I will exceed this existence and make home for myself where light truly shines, I will find this place to exist and no one, especially not myself will impede on where I belong. I will fall however many times it may take.

I love you all. Each and every one of you. I love the delusional christians, and the people who spam there idea'ls on what should be cursing and telling us what to do through there comments... I love the people who are positive and the people who are negative, I love the ones who shed light or try and try with the right intentions. I love the buddhist and the doctors, this world really is very interesting, it only bothers me that we are somehow in fight against one another, if only I could see this all the time.. I love the christians who are right in there message and don't strive towards the conversion of other rather strive for the truth in his teachings. I love the few who know compasion is the key and love is the message through the door, it take a lot from life to craft those who know this and practice it so, it is why we are all still here in existence. I hope everyone who has this disorder finds the light in there expieiences and see's too that us crazies are shown far more of what others are questioning, that we are let in on many secrets of life if we choose to see it that way. Maybe someone will find these words true enough to cultivate a meaning from my message. One could only Hope.

My story is my rantings. I strive towards finding some truth I can grow when I'm not bogged down from my symptoms and disease. I need to find a place where I can be myself and feel the freedom in my thoughts again. I wish I could see it here at home with my parents where I'm living, maybe it isnt that simple, yet maybe it is. Wish me luck if you understand, God be with all who are lost, he's much more kind than one could think........
FindItHomeWithin FindItHomeWithin
5 Responses Aug 11, 2010

dear schizominute,<br />
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I am very glad to see that this has helped you in someway, reading it to myself now in a way helps me now too. Unfortunatly there is no real answer to "schizophrenia", it is the same premises as with everyone else in this life where what we feel and what happiness we have is entirely from the inside, an internal process. I've learned that Love is the only real medicine but through that love we have to be understood. But I know from my own expierience how hard that is, maybe accepted is a better word than understood.I have a hard time seeing my schizoaffective disorder the way our western socioty see's it and lean more towards interperting it in the way our anceients did, and how native tribes still do. I do use antipsychotic medications, although I wish I did not, I see them as an anchor rather than a solution. it got to the point for myself where I could do nothing else but take them to return to a sane and rational state of mind, I had drifted too far away, se definatly an anchor. I think people who take them thinking it will fix there problems are decieving themselves, we should all know that love and acceptence is the true medicine we need to have. I see it can only be had if we search through whats inside to find the Love we have as individuals. For myself it is the only quest I have in life, and it really isn't an easy thing to do. It took a lot to get to this point where I could see the pattern in socioty as I see it now, the lack of connection to the human spirit and the great imphases on material things, this happening blocks us from our selves, whats inside and draws us to the surface, to a false reality of flesh, skin. If you look at a person they are composed fo much more than their exterior, they have not only there skin but there skellitan, all of the organs making them, not to mention the dominant color of humans would be red, the color of our blood, the primary force of our make up. Not to mention the very force of life that each of us posess, the very thing animating it, I meen how much do we really think about it, the force inside us letting us move, letting us have the ability to choose where and how we move, it is really awesome to think about if you just sit there and look at your hands moving while you type, isn't this force the single greatest thing we have in life? wouldn't it be amazing if this force was fueled by love rather than some half wittet thought that we are some biological life form, comrpised of this and that? Where does this force come from, why are we given it until it is time to die? why is there this apparent "disorder" in some people, what causes others to reject those with this disorder and what can we do to help? I can't answer those myself but I know there questions I often ask, I think we have to start by accepting we're all not so different from each other, and maybe bring this acceptence into everything we do, otherwise people seem very lost in this world, not ot mention what is happening to our earth, the mother and life barer of our own existence as well as our ansecstors and all the generations to come. None the less, the brighterside is there somewhere.....<br />
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Good luck to you and anyone else that may read this, there truly is hope somewhere.

wow. i'm not in manic mode right now but i can totally relate to the feelings you seem to be expressing. dunno if you were manic or not when writing this, but please do not delete it, it really truly helped me to read it and i think it will help others. i love your love. that's really all i need to say, it sums up each and every thing i feel about your entire story. i'm new here to the site and the group but it already feels like i just found family

I don't think I will, now that I have a fiance, we should be set to live the fairy tale ending happily ever after. Good luck keeping your beliefs under control, I let my beliefs get out of hand spring of 09 and went through 2 months of hell, before it finally tapered off for another 2 months. I used to write a lot of lyrics about it, but i quit for a long time, now I write lyrics about Jamie.

Yeah man Schizo's tough rare or not the effects are devistating, I had to practically die, watch my whole life fall apart before I could see I needed help or that anything was even wrong, I just have to be careful with my beliefs and how I let them shape my life, otherwise my mind will break loose and twist everything away from any sort of foundation into total oblivon like before. Good luck man, I'm glad to hear you have an outlet. Hopefuly you neevr loose touch with that.

Sorry to hear of your "disorder." Great to hear your love of diverse people though. I hope your love of music returns, I would think that your condition would inspire you to write, I have some incredibly rare skitzofrenia and its my inspiration to write lyrics.