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Been Getting Worse

So I have been getting worse lately.
Lately I sleep in my mom's bed because my room is not safe anymore. In there I keep imagining a really giant big angry man busting down my door and running to me with a saw.
I see a lot of weird dots on my walls and crawling around my ceiling but I can handle those.
Every time I do the dishes I think I see someone watching me. And I feel someone behind me.
My mother's room feels more safe. I see glowy globs in there but they are not threatening.

The thing that messes with me is that in general I feel more like myself than I ever have in my young life. I like to create and I am doing that more. But still the bad creeps up on me now and then like it is right now. And even when I am feeling good I still get scared or paranoid or see things.
I have not heard any voices in a while but I get these very loud thoughts in my head that do not belong to me. That is nothing new to me, they've been there as long as I can remember but one of thwm is an angry one and is more angry lately. Yelling at me and making me feel like stupi garbage. Sometimes I just want to cut up my face because I get so frustrated, overwhelmed and angry.
I started a new pill but it made me feel so wrong and I had to stop it. I was sad to because I had hope for that one.

Another thing is that I am finding it harder and harder to maintain friendships. My only two friends often anger me and I always think one of them is lying to me about everything.
I lost a three year relationship with a guy because I've been getting worse and he cannot deal with it. I wish I could have fixed it but sometimes I go very numb and don't even feel like I'm really there so I didn't even try in the relationship anymore.

On the subway I often panic and imagine bad things happening there, like it blowing up. In the street I think someone is going to kidnap me because I am so small and I imagine ways that I could get away.

None of those things are new, most happening as long as I can remember. But they are happening more often now especially in the last year. I even see things when I close my eyes. Random involuntary images pop up and sometimes they are very violent amd disturbing. But usually not.

It is getting so hard to be me and it takes up so much energy to take care of myself and try to make sure that I stay calm because I get panic attacks.
I feel so lonely.
SwanInTheWater SwanInTheWater 22-25, F Mar 4, 2012

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