I Know It's Not Real, Yet I Still Believe..

I have been dealing with schizoaffective disorder for 10 years now. What seems like out of the blue, it happened. There was no warning signs, no lead up to it, it was just like boom. I remember waking up a few days before my 21st birthday and going "crazy." I thought I was getting old and would die at any moment and it went down from there.

For months I went on and on with theses thoughts. It got to the point where I thought someone was trying to kill me. I believed that people were watching me, could hear what I was thinking, and wanted to do something to me. I also saw and heard things that I referred to as "them" I knew I needed help when I stopped going to work because I was up all night watching to make sure they didn't get me while I slept. But what really made me realize I needed help is when I had my 2 year old staying up with me as well as helping me check the house for "them"

I know my husband is just about at his wits end with me. He has been there for me since I was 20 and I know he loves my daughter and she's the reason he deals with me. I feel so bad for putting him through this. Sometimes he says I'm not the person he met and I know that. I try so hard to be normal (whatever that is) and I just can't shake it.

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I know that what I see and hear is not real, yet I believe it so much it scares me and keeps me up at night. On top of that I have OCD, great, right?

This is just some of the things I go through everyday...
I really don't sleep at night only doing the day. Why? Because I believe that most things and killings that happen to people is in the night time. If I have to go to the bathroom and it's at night I peek out of my room door and if I don't see them I run to the bathroom. If I do see them I immediately wake my hubby to look and he never see's them. They could be right there bringing me to tears because they taunt me and still he see's nothing. It's really frustrating. So he walks me to the bathroom and wait until I'm done. I NEVER close the door or any doors so that I won't open it up and get attacked.

I have to sleep with my back to the wall and it kills me sleeping on only one side each night. I do this because if the come I want to be ready and see them so I can be prepared. I know this is bad but I use to sleep with a knife for protection. My husband doesn't allow that anymore because I accidently stabbed myself and had to get 6 stitches. But because he knows that I need to be able to defend myself when I'm alone we have no silverware in the house. Only plastic utensils. That way they can't use anything to hurt me.

I check the house all day long when I'm alone. I start in the front of the house until I get to my room. Checking behind and under the couch the closets and I walk backwards out of each room so that nothing can get pass me and come into my room. Then I have to repeat this 3 or 4 times before I feel it's safe. I look for camera's that could have been planted in the house.

When I go in public it's really hard for me. When there is a large crowd of people, men especially, I get so nervous that sometimes my entire body locks. This comes from being molested several times by several different men starting when I was 10 until i was 15 and moved with my god mother. I think that the people I pass can hear my thoughts, so I try to be quiet and not think anything. I also get really nervous believing they would harm me.

When I see and hear these things and act in these weird ways I just don't understand it. I know none of this makes any sense but I can't figure out why it's so real to me. I could go on and on but I just wanted to get a little of the frustration off my chest. I can't express how hard it is for me to deal with this every single day for the last 10 years. It hurts so much because no one in my family knows what I deal with every single day except my husband. He helps me to hide it from everyone.
Orjohe Orjohe
26-30, F
4 Responses May 16, 2012

I read your post and saw no mention of medication. Are you on any meds? Have you evergone to talk therapy? You shouldn't have to suffer like this.

I have been dating a guy with schizoaffective disorder for eight months, hadn't seen anything too abnormal from him up until about a month ago, he went to a party and I stayed the night, I went to bed at 11:30 and he agreed to be back by one because we had plans in the morning. He came back at 5 in my morning and started screaming and nothing he said made since, he threw his nightstand and gave me a bear hug squeezing the air out of me, more went on but I won't get into it. Eventually I gave him his medicine, he told me which ones to get and he came back into reality. He has no memory of it. He thinks he smoked some laced tobacco or something, I think stress may have caused it (a lot was going on before this). Ever since then I decided to do some more research. You're article is bringing back memories of when I was little and had extreme fears of things similar to what you're describing. I always heard things too, like one loud scream or a pop sound, every now and then I still hear them. It's never continual though. I never thought reading about it to understand what he is going through would cause me to take a look at myself.

Thank you for sharing that. I don't have so many of the OCD symptoms but the paranoia, thought broadcast, programming, etc. are a painful part of my reality. I feel for you, and thanks again for sharing so I don't feel so alienated.

I'm glad theres other people that understand. Thank you..

i hav the same problem with people reading my thoughts even from afar, and im paranoid about people hating me or something being around a corner. just try to understand that your brain cant completely control you. so try not to listen to your thoughts telling u to check everything. just relax and occasionally listen to relaxing and positive music or speakers. clear ur mind.

I've tried listening to relaxing music. It helps for a couple of hours but that's all. When I try not to listen to my thoughts to check the OCD only manifest into another obsession.