Messed Up

I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know anything of myself and I prefer not to know myself. I know I have people who care but I always ask, " why do they always have it better than me?" It makes me want to not be there for other people.

I get angry, really quick. It's not to say I get angry at just different things, I get angry when certain people tell me what to do. I get angry when people tell me that I'm incapable of doing something.

The early years of when it first started arising, I felt like I was just hostile for no reason. My sister would be on the computer and I would start punching her because she didn't let me go on. I would go upstairs and cry because I didn't want to hurt people like that. I would go upstairs and just feel so angry towards myself, like a loss of my own identity.

Then their comes high school. That was a blur. That was a messy, f*cked up blur. I had tried to kill myself more than I could even count. It was nothing but time after time, drama after drama and I really did want to do it, I just felt hesitant. I knew people cared but in my own mind I wasn't allowing that. I just wanted to end my life and that was that. Sometimes I wish I would've. Sometimes, Not.

I don't really have anything in my life. I don't go to college or have a job. I'm basically stuck in my own depression, fantasies, hate..I had lost my government pay for two years. I thought that would bring me happiness but when it came through, it didn't change anything. It didn't make me happy, I didn't wasn't anything to me, personally. The meds they've given me, I have chosen to go off of on my own because they've made me gain a lot of weight. I now sit at 320 lbs when I shouldn't and it's been eating at me slowly.

I know that with meds I would be completely fine. Nothing wrong at all but I couldn't gain anymore weight. I've tried asking my doctor to give me something new and he's told me no. I don't even care if I can't drink on it, alcohol isn't important to me. I just want to be healthy and I have been struggling with that.

I know that it's a lifelong illness but I know that i can be better with simple medication. I just don't know when that's going to ever happen for me.
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Jan 13, 2013