In Darkness

Everyday feels like a constant battle with myself.

Waking up either to the restless rollercoaster of thoughts, unshakeable agitation, or hopeless menlancholy.
It's not just mood fluctuations alone that plagues me. There is another string of depressiong features that dissapate as well; such as simple pleasures of life that we take for granted. Like enjoying a video game, a movie in my own home without thinking the neighbors are out to agitate me by playing music on a level that only I can seem to hear. Sex, and social get togethers with those I love.

The caution button gets pushed on people we know and love due to paranoid suspision, and I end up being on the defensive almost consistently. Then come the lack of responses. Emotional and physical.

You just don't care anymore...

Eventually the feelings of one, two, or simultaneous varieties of both escalation,(grandoise and agitation in mania) and decent. (Deep depression) The nonstop agitation at the world around you, and constant judgement. Hallucinations of all senses, delusional deterioration, paranoia, thought deterioration, lack in hygiene, emotional responses the list goes on and on and on..

The subtance abuse to hide the pain inside, but not the shame it holds. But take it, they say. The pain will go away this time...I shouldn't take advice from ones who do not exist..

Someday I wanna become a psychiatrist. I wanna help other people get out of hiding In Darkness.

Once I can see the light that is...
DistortedPerceptions DistortedPerceptions
22-25, F
Jan 23, 2013