Like Tripping On LSD.

Mania feels like a really good trip that’s too easy to take too far. The “Schizo”-affective in me feels like a really bad trip lasting too long, losing all control of everything around you and yourself. At least that’s how I perceive it.
Everything is beautiful and bright, the world a universe of opportunity and seemingly good choices in the moment; mania likes impulsivity. High, infinitely creative and everything’s a good idea because it all feels so good. Floating, ecstatic, bouncing and buzzing; and finding everything exciting and exhilarating… but ultimately unproductive and not a good place to be. Regardless of how good it feels.
Versus dark, dismal, and incredibly sensitive. Emotional, painful, and dreadful to get through each minute of each hour of the day. Voices, faces, sounds, and strange tactile hallucinations attacking your senses from imaginary dimensions beyond the world you know. Anger, depression, confusion, and frustration. That’s schizoaffective to me at this time in my life.
Coming from a history of being so chill and healthy and highly intellectual; happy and satisfied – enthralled, in fact – with life, it was completely unexpected to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 1, to quickly realize upon diligent introspection and self-observation/analysis that I realized that I have schizoaffective disorder.
What a trip.
My last manic episode I related these feelings to being on a very powerful acid trip – everything beautiful and open and free and happy and vibing just the way I like. Psychedelically pleasing.
In a similar way, I can relate my episodic misery to an acid trip as well – like when I freaked out and thought everyone was laughing at me and that I had shrunk to the size of a mouse on the side of a swimming pool. Shrieking at the melting, crashing reality around me. That was in the summer of ’07 when I was the ripe ol’ age of 16.
That’s schizoaffective to me.
What has helped me make it through this shift? I can touch on a few things here I think...
Perception is reality. This is one life lesson I learned even before, and have used as a tool to help me through this. All the tripping my mind is doing to me is opposed by my fight for happiness, sanctity and adequate perception reality, consistently reminding myself to remember that it’s just a perception messing with me. It’s just my mind. “We can get through it.” I say. For whether you believe it’s a good day or not (good moment, good thing…), it is what you believe it is. This I know is true.
I am intelligent, wise, and I can make it through this. Remembering that I am a highly intelligent and capable characteristically successful and relentlessly persevering individual, it helps to renew my faith when I am feeling down or defeated. I know that I am enough to get through this and I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. Especially with the undying ethic and optimism I have, and with working with support groups and my treatment team. Positive self talk is also a number one priority – without that and reminding myself how awesome I am for getting through this by myself independently with such strength at such a young age is really inspiring to me.
Take it one day, one step at a time. Things are going to be and feel ****** sometimes. Yeah, that’s just how it goes. But take it with a grain of salt and let it flow through you, it’s just an experience, just a moment, just a day, just a feeling, etc. You can make it through this successfully. I promise that you can. <3
I am going through quite a struggle with this right now, but I can see the light at the end. I know it’s there – it’s just a matter of remembering that.
I love you all, thank you guys for listening. Message me if you want to talk.
Good luck.
Blessings,
Kate.

http://kschultz824.tumblr.com/

moleculeus moleculeus
26-30, F
5 Responses Nov 22, 2013

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a few years back. Talking about tripping I was tripping for almost a month, everyday felt like a year no joke. While I was in the mental institute I was hallucinating things on my walls and hallucinating things in the wavy trees outside, viewing them out my window. I talked to this teenager guy and he told me if I didn't stare out this window he was going to kill me, so I started to stare out the window for hours on end. People were trying to get me to move but I was scared I was going to seriously get killed. I don't know if I hallucinated that teenager guy telling me to stare out this window or not I don't remember things very well on what really happened. I really felt like a zombie or a ghost because I didn't have control on what I was going to do. I thought if I took off all my clothes that I could what through walls. I was just out of control and was strapped down to this gurney board. When I was on this board all strapped up not being able to move, it felt terrible. That's why days felt like years. I'm 29 now but feel like I'm 40 because of this experience I had!

I would agree with that, I just found out my schizoaffective diagnosis today and am just kinda looking around for a place to connect with other people that share this gift. That is the way I am going to look at it not as a "disorder". If anything I should get a scholarship out of it so I can finish my psych degree LOL.

Thanks so much for writing this, I am also schizoaffective and tend to have a negative point of view on it. However, this was uber inspiring!!!

I couldn't have asked for anything else. :)

i know how you feel, i too have been searching for someone "ANYONE" for 2 1/2 yrs that could actually really truly relate with & understand me and again here i am staring at my screen like a deer in headlights and i cant for the life of me find the right place to start, what to say, i have so many questions but i'll start with this,... Yes i feel you & not only do i think were on the same page, i think were on the same paragraph even and i truly look forward to talking to you :-) also feel free to add me on fb aswell if you like it's merrigandave818 @hotmail.com
i am really excited and see good things come from this new found friendship, have a wonderful day, Your Amazing!! Never stop smiling :-D

feel free to message me on here! :-)))

WOW...Thank You!!! I am sooo deeply inspired and moved by what you had to say that i have been staring at my keyboard for 25min. trying to figure out how to even say hi =-P "this is a good thing" =-) i too am schizoaffective (among other things) and would love to talk to someone else similar to myself

Dude if you feel me, please, let's! I've been searching for someone who's on my same page too! <3

I am surprised to see the amount of males who have replied to this. The stats that I have seen said 2/3 women make up the bulk of the diagnosis distribution. Maybe the males are just more outgoing about the whole thing. Anyway I have always been a happy go lucky guy and honestly was hoping for a Schizoaffective diagnosis over a run of the mill bipolar diagnosis. So now I get to be known as that crazy guy who's always drawing instead of taking notes in class.