Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia. Most people don't truly understand what schizophrenia is. When I was diagnosed in August 2011, it was a huge shock to everyone but me.

I think I was eleven when I had my first schizophrenic episode (psychotic episode). Like most people around that age, I had the walls in my room covered in posters. I don't remember the first time it happened, but I became convinced that the people in my posters were watching everything I was doing. 

It's hard to explain. ITS 'LIKE' you KNOW that they can't see you because it physically impossible, but you BELIEVE that they can see you. Confused? Me too. I started acting differently when I was in bedroom because I was convinced that I was being watched. I couldn't even get dressed in my own room.

Then they started to talk to me. I wasn't freaked out. IT FELT NORMAL. They would always be commenting on my every move and asking me what I was doing and why. Of course, I replied to them. To me, it seemed that they were my friends. I knew them and they knew me. I found myself at school WAITING to get home to talk to them. I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn't want to think about it.

Then the anxiety and paranoia kicked in. I suddenly believed that EVERYONE EVERYWHERE was watching me. Ever seen the Truman Show? I felt like I was being studied. Was I an alien? Was I God? "I don't know, but I'm better than everyone here", that's how I was thinking. It felt good, but then I became so paranoid that one of my 'fans' or 'followers' was going to kidnap or KILL ME. I couldn't leave the house without my mum. She didn't know why. No one did. People started to think that my stepdad was touching me, but this wasn't the case. I simply felt that I needed a body guard. I would have anxiety attacks when I felt people were watching me. I couldn't go shopping, couldn't go out with friends and I couldn't eat in front of ANYONE.

My mum took me to the doctors and he made an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist. She took me to see a doctor because I wasn't going anywhere without her. NO ONE KNEW about the voices or strange delusions.

This went on for a year. I started to really think that something was wrong. "But why would they (the voices from my posters) tell me I was better than everyone if I wasn't?" I knew something was wrong with this thought. I HAD TO GET RID OF THE VOICES. I took down ALL of the posters in my room. I took out everything that had a picture on it. DVD's, CD's.. EVERYTHING. Sitting in what seemed like my first moments silence in over a year, I realized that they were gone. They weren't watching me anymore. The people outside still were though.

My anxiety improved and I was able to go outside by myself. I still felt like AN ALIEN BEING WATCHED. My delusion then changed to "the closest five people to me are my body guards. Sent to protect me". 

I started to research online to see what type of a problem I had. After reading through many pages and doing many mental illness quizzes, I decided that I was schizophrenic. This didn't scare me. I felt relieved. LOTS OF PEOLE HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA. 

When I was 16, I started to see demon spirits attached to people. I believed that the demons were after me. I believed that my seeing demons was a gift from God.

My next psychotic episode was when I turned 17. Feeling like I had gotten over the people in pictures watching me, I put some new posters up in my room. They began watching and talking immediately. They made me feel safe. I wasn't an alien this time. THIS TIME I WAS A VAMPIRE. I started to act like I was a vampire. I would talk to them like I was a vampire. They were only watching so they could study me and my kind. "VAMPIRES ARE ANYONE WITH BLUE EYES". 

It quickly became difficult for me to go anywhere. I felt like I was going to be attacked. I FELT AFRAID. I started to fail at school. I had never failed anything before. I WAS A STRAIGHT A STUDENT. Now I'm a straight D student. I found it hard to go to school because I had to catch the bus there. Buses and trains are dangerous places for vampires. I was also finding it hard to concentrate, memorize the work or even hear the teacher over the voices I'm my head. This was the first time I heard voices outside of my room. 

Remember, this whole time I KNEW they couldn't see me. I KNEW the voices weren't real. But they felt real and I acted like they were.

One night I snapped. I don't really remember what happened, but I lashed out at my mum for something stupid (getting my little brother a hermit crab). It was then that I decided to tell her about the voices. She seemed calm and she made me an appointment to see a doctor the next day. I explained SOME of my symptoms to the doctor (voices commentating, not eating in front of people and that SOMETIMES i felt people were looking at me. What an understatement, "sometimes", more like "always") and I was diagnosed with SIMPLE PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA.

My family seemed to be shocked by the diagnosis. I wasn't. I had known for over a year. The only difference was that now it was official.

I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet, but I will in a month and I PLAN TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING. Talking to my mum and telling her that i had a problem was hard, but I WILL NEVER regret it. 

Right now I'm sitting in my room, feeling stupid. I'm being TOLD that I'm stupid, that no one will believe me and I am endangering all vampires. I am failing at school and my faith has crumbled. The career that I had chosen is now an impossibility. HAVING A MENTAL ILLNESS MAKES IT HARDER TO GET A JOB. I have destroyed friendships and I feel so alone. I am being told that I'm alone.