How I Found Out

It began when I started freelancing full-time on the Internet. I thought I could hear people talking about me, and I thought it was the neighbors gossiping because I seldom left the house, that they thought I was just a lazy bum. Then I started hearing voices everywhere I went, and thought people were talking about me and laughing at the way I looked and dressed. 


One night I came home and my room smelt like garbage. Except only I could smell it. And only I could hear the neighbors singing kareoke and cursing me between songs for stinking up the entire neighborhood. The next day I cleaned my room. And the day after that. Every day I wiped every surface I could reach with rubbing alcohol, but it wasn't enough for the voices. I ended up emptying my room of furniture and stuff, trying to find the source of the stench that I believed was spreading from the room. I washed clothes and bedding that I hadn't used, thinking they smelled of garbage. I hauled my bed cushion out into the hallway and tried to sleep on the bare board that remained. 


My dad by that time knew something was wrong, but it didn't occur to any of us that I was sick. Then my psychosis escalated. Today I can recall every delusion I experienced in the weeks that followed, and I recognize how impossible they were, but at the time they happened they were completely real and logical to me. I won't recount all of them here - you're probably already bored with me as it is. I'll just say I believed for many days that the whole neighborhood wanted to kill me, that my dad and everyone else in the house was a demon, and that the Apocalyse had already occurred and I was the cause. The voices were nonstop. I eventually stopped eating for fear it would make me stink, and I lost all ability to care for myself - I was that lost in the hallucinations. 


Finally my dad and his housekeeper took me to a mental institution, where a shrink prescribed medication. The first meds only made me sleep long hours, but the next drug they tried broke through the psychosis. I've been on the same medicine since, and the voices are completely gone. I already had an idea what my illness was from researching online, but I only confirmed months later from my psychiatrist that I was a paranoid schizophrenic. Until I actually asked him it was just "my condition".
xryss xryss
31-35, F
4 Responses Mar 9, 2012

after reading your story i can really sympothize with what you heard and how you felt, in a way very similar to my own experiances. my heart goes out to you

I don't know if I am or not. I have been wondering lately because I see things others don't understand. I used to stay up all night because I thought there were cameras everywhere and I did not want any one to watch me sleep... Also when I get anxiety, which happens a lot, some times for no reason with me; I have nightmares and I see things when I am awake. One night I saw rats crawling on my bed and another night I was up for hours talking to my teacher in my dark room, just to realize she was not really there. I also think people are staring at me all the time, or mad at me or judging me. I talk to myself a lot and I am pretty sure that the voice that answers me is me telling myself that I am ugly and cant do things, but I don't know why I tell myself that to the point where I am on my floor crying to shut up. Finally I some times get images in my head that, I feel like I did not really think of. Sick images that I cant get out of my head no matter how hard I try. <br />
No one believes me because some times I say things for attention, but not this time. I just want to know from some one who will listen to what I am saying. Am I Schizophrenic?

Hi Yui88, thanks for reading. I'm glad to hear from someone who's experienced something similar and happy to hear my story helped you in some way. I hope like vitadisgrazia that you find the right dosage of medication for you.<br />
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@vitadisgrazia: Thank you. I'm on the lowest possible dosage so there aren't many side effects, but I do sleep longer than I used to and feel some sluggishness at times, so for those reasons I do wish I could get off the meds. Also it costs something to maintain, so yes, it would be nice not to need them.

I should have been more clear, I was wondering if you ever feel "cured" so you don't need the meds.?

I am glad your finding that medication has resolved all your symptoms. Do you ever get the urge to stop taking the medication?<br />
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Yui88 I also enjoyed your story. I hope they can get you on a proper dose of medications soon.